The End, But in the Best Way Possible

                     

Tomorrow, I change my name                  

                     Well hello again friends! Man has it been a long time since I wrote something brand spanking new! I have had the most fun sharing my dating nightmares, my struggle with finding inner peace, and my quest to become happy in my love life. I have had many triumphs along the way, from calling out creeps, to finally meeting the man I had been waiting so long for. In order to reach those however, I certainly had to pay my dues. You guys, some of those dates I went on... fuck me those were HORRIBLE! I met some people that should never be allowed to interact with other humans! I made it as a single mother for 7 years and I never thought I could make it through 7 days! To all my single parent friends, I applaud you, seriously, you guys are so fucking awesome you deserve ALL the things. Not only was I welcomed with open arms into that little sub community of parents, we all had similar stories and problems, we all had insane stresses and heart breaks, yet we all relied on each other to keep our sanity. We shared ideas and offered help, we traded hand me downs and child care. We are all in the same village, helping each other out, thank you for being my people. 

For my best friends, my squad, my people... If it weren't for you all, I would not have become the woman I am today, My closest friends and family, you have supported me, held me up when I had nothing left, and you were all my cheerleaders along the way. I will love you all until the day I die. If I could have had the biggest damned wedding my little heart desired, I would have had the biggest wedding party ever! 

                    Wedding... Yeah... I got fucking MARRIED! AGAIN! What the HELL is wrong with me! Well, at least that is what I imagine some of you may be yelling, or maybe that is what was ringing through my head when I said yes to Tony. The thing is, that I knew he was the man I wanted to be with long before he asked me. Granted, this is me we are talking about and I kept that titanium wall locked tight for a long time. I did not want to fall for him the way I did, I tried to keep him at arm's length, but dammit, he just stuck around anyway. There was no pushing Tony away because he was right there reminding me that I am enough, I am a good person, and I deserved his love. He never wavered, never set unrealistic expectations, and he always, always made up anytime he caused me any sort of hurt and emotional pain. He does these things because he too is a broken human. Broken by the one person he trusted with his heart, same as me. We went through such similar pain, that it was so easy to help each other along the way. Each one of us being wiser, from our learned experiences, and being able to see and communicate any tiny issues before they become something larger than life. We have the power of hindsight on our side, being able to look back at our own mistakes and doing our part to try and do better this time around. So why am I suddenly having this hard time grasping that I am now becoming Mrs. Florence. 

                    Identity crisis? I mean that seems to make the most sense, I am having an identity crisis. Perhaps it isn't a crisis though, maybe a small bump in life? I didn't have a hard time changing my name the first time around, so excited to learn my new signature and initials, I couldn't wait until people asked my name and I would proudly give them my new name. I had the same general excitement, until I started to actually begin the process, shit, I forgot how much of a pain in the ass this is. Calling every company you do business with to give them the new name. Changing bank accounts, loans, credit cards, filling out name change paperwork for every damned thing under the sun! I had to do this twice already, this is the third time... and it will be the LAST time. I do not want anyone else by my side, Tony is the one for me. He doesn't always understand me, but he tries. This man is simply the best person I have met, he has so much patience that it is hard to believe. Florence, Leigh-Ann Marie Florence. I will get used to saying it, and signing it. 

                    So today is my final blog entry, a final toast to all the crazy antics, and a big middle finger to my ex's that made this journey so messed up. They never deserved me, and I never deserved the garbage they dumped on me. I know that, I also know that they can no longer control my life. I have let that shit go, so a great big fuck off to the emotional roller coaster that was my life for 8 long years. When we finally get to the point in our lives, when we start making decisions for ourselves and not for other people, that is when we can most easily walk away from those people that no longer serve a valuable place in our head space. They don't pay rent here, they are gone from my brain. I have a new life, a new family, and a new husband to love me in the best way he knows how. Like the tide pulling the ocean in and out, I have sent that past out into the sea. This chapter of my life has been life changing, eye opening, and made me so, so humble. 

I cannot wait to see what life has to bring me in the future. My kids are all lined up to begin their next chapter's too, with my beautiful daughter starting them off by graduating next June. This is usually where I sign off until next time, but here, this is the end of my journey. So goodbye friends, keep moving forward, and always choose kindness. The world needs more of that shit. 

                    

Toxic Relationships and Recovery

     Hey friends! It has been WAY too long! Shit, it's been almost a year since I have graced this blog with my presence. So, what's up! Hope all of you have had a great year! I know I have! It's been a whirlwind of amazing! I am truly, madly, deeply in love! (Only my 90's friends will get that reference) So if I am so in love, why am I writing about toxic relationships? Read on guys and gals, shit is about to get real.

     Many of you know how my past relationships went, I met a man, he was sweet until he wasn't. Things always seemed fine at first, no major issues, until little red flags started popping up, and because I didn't want to believe I was getting myself into yet another shitty relationship, I ignored them or told myself that the issues weren't that bad. It was an endless cycle, bad relationship after another. Men who said they liked me, or loved me, then they cheated on me, dumped me for seemingly no reason, or my all time fave... GHOSTED the FUCK out of me. For those that don't know that dating term, it means they literally disappear. No texts, no calls, zilch! Like they vanish into thin air. The one thing that most of these men had in common was the fact that they really believe they are "Good" guys. They always had a crazy ex, they always seemed down on their luck and just looking for a decent woman in their life for once... I fell for it, over and over. Always second guessing myself, apologizing for everything, feeling like I was the one losing control when all along they were manipulating me. Gas lighting me at every emotional turn, again, if you don't know that term, look it up. Basically making me feel like I was crazy for having a perfectly normal reaction to whatever asshole thing they did, like cheating on me, or belittling me.

     So why am I revisiting all this? Well, to make you understand why I have such a hard time accepting the fact that I have someone who is really, truly decent. He respects me, he loves me, accepts me and my kids, and he cares for me. Yet with all those wonderful qualities, I had the hardest time trusting that he was sincere. You see, it was so difficult to decipher if he was real or not. He treated me like all the others at first, hooking me reeling me in... I was waiting for the nightmare to start. Waiting for him to start chatting with other women, making me believe that they were just his friends. Expecting him to start having more and more "guys night out" all the while his "guys" are not with him. Finding out from one of my girl friends that he has been secretly sending her inappropriate messages asking her out for drinks.
     I got deeper into this relationship and he wasn't doing any of this, I was shocked, I was leery, and I was really struggling to believe that this was all real. It felt too good to be true. How could a man this good, fall for me? He has treated me with such compassion, he has listened to me, and done his very best to understand why I apologize for everything. He reassures me when I start to worry about the stability of our relationship. He holds me when I can't stop crying because my anxiety is sky high over the thought of him leaving, only because I overthink every thing. I immediately think that the worst is about to happen, when in reality, nothing is happening. I am broken, flawed and sometimes just a fucking mess... and he loves me through it all.

     I think that Toxic Relationship Syndrome should be a real thing, and I am a survivor. I have learned that trusting is something so hard, only because for other men that have been with me, it has been so easy for them to break that trust. My current relationship will be my last, if I have anything to say about it. He feels the same way. He was also in a pretty toxic relationship. One that was full of one sided love, and filled with resentment and lies. For him, being with someone completely honest is refreshing, it makes him want to be completely honest, and work through our differences. When before, both of us would shy away from discussing those differences because we feared the other person in that relationship would try and force us to change to their will. Having someone that embraces you as you are is so unheard of that we begin to wonder if it's even out there. It can be terrifying to let little bits of yourself out to someone, in fear that they will reject the person that you are. Letting someone in on those little quirks you have, and seeing them not only accept them, but to laugh and applaud you for them because they too have a similar quirk. It takes something very raw, very real, and very powerful to pull you out of "Toxic Relationship Syndrome". For me, it took over a year of loving and truly being loved in return. I am still learning, still growing and slowly letting go of my fears.

     For any of my friends that have had toxic relationships, or are in one, or think they are in one and need help recognizing the signs. I am here for you. I will help you in any way I can. Even if that means giving you a place to stay for a while. Helping you with a way out, directing you to a counselor or just being a sounding board for you. I am here. I have been through it, and I will help you navigate your way out. I will help you find your feet, find your strength, and mostly just let you know that you are NOT alone. The biggest step is recognizing that the relationship is bad for you, and then accepting the help when it is offered. 

     Real love exists, it took me 5 years to wake up and find it, and I only wish I had found it many, many years ago. However, knowing what I know now... I wouldn't have my beautiful babies, and I also wouldn't have become such a strong person. One doesn't become strong until the world you know falls apart, and strength is the only thing you have left. Believe that you are worth loving, because everyone is.

Until Next Time My Friends.

Real Life Love

     Hey guys, it's been a hell of a long time. I seem to have fallen off the blogging wagon. Well, maybe less fall and more leap... you see I have finally met someone that I feel comfortable enough talking about. That is, comfortable enough to tell the world, aka like 15 of you who actually ready this, that I am completely in love with this man, and I am scared to death. Read on.... 

       Most of you are fully aware of the dating nightmares I have endured. Some pitiful, disgusting, and downright awful humans, have met me at coffee shops, beaches, toy stores (that one was particularly bad), and restaurants. I have been laughed at, ignored, told to lose weight, gain weight, and been made to feel like a nuisance. Until now... Here is the story about how I met my current man. If you follow me on Facebook you already know his name, but for privacy's sake, this is a public blog after all, I will call him "Dean". 

     Yes, I met Dean online, we hit things off on that fucking horrible cesspool called POF. Many of you know that dating site, and it's not the greatest, but it's also not the worst. Dean adhered to my first, and frankly most important rule, DON'T leave me a one word or poorly written message. He took the time to read through my entire profile, and he left me a thought out, albeit lengthy, message about karaoke and how much he would love to meet up with me and sing together sometime. Now I love to sing, I have my favorite karaoke bar, and I absolutely love to watch a man make a fool of himself. I might be a little evil, but I digress. So Dean and I start chatting about karaoke and bars and how much fun we will have. I felt like I could trust him pretty quickly, which is VERY unlike me, and we exchanged phone numbers on day 1! Wow, I know, I'm fucking insane. 

     Things are going well, we had made a plan to go out and sing on a weekend I didn't have my kids. Then schedules started conflicting, my work load got to be tough to juggle with any sort of social life. Pretty soon it was 2 weeks later and we still hadn't met! Yet we were texting every single day, strangely enough, as much as we wanted to hear the other's voice, we decided to leave that bit a mystery. Dean was very attractive, very well spoken, and he seemed very kind. I was beginning to worry that he would be snapped up off the market very quickly. So I finally found an opening in my schedule to meet on a Tuesday night, late. It was after 9 pm in this little town, on a warm, yet still chilled night late in June. Most businesses hadn't gotten their swing of summer tourists yet, so things were very quiet, and very few places still had their doors open. I didn't want to get lost in the crowd of a bar, and it was much too late for dinner. So we settled on taking a little walk on a trail near Sand Creek, and found a bench to sit on and talk. 

     Dean was just as attractive in person as he was online, he spoke with a smooth baritone in his voice, not over powering like most men. He was shy and confident at the same time, he had a way about him that was charming and casual, yet slightly off hand and naive to some of the ways of this new dating lifestyle. I quickly learned that Dean had not been on the scene nearly as long as I had. The hairs on the back of my neck tingled, I worried that this would be an issue. The longer we talked the more I was feeling like this would be the last time I saw him. As much as I liked him, I worried that my experiences might be too much for him to handle.  I learned that he had been on other dates, which wasn't a surprise to me at all, I mean... LOOK AT HIM! He's the whole package! He admitted that I, however, had been the woman he most looked forward to meeting. That did surprise me. Why me? My looks are average, my personality is fucking awesome, but I am certainly not without my flaws. I just couldn't see how everything I had been searching for in a man was standing right here in front of me, yet felt so far out of reach. 

     Dean and I talked for hours, it was nearly 1 am by the time he headed for home. I hugged him and drove the 5 mins back to my place... then my phone rang. It was Dean. I was shaking, I figured this was it, this was him calling me to tell me that he had fun, but that he didn't want to see me again. There was something about him that struck me as the kind of guy to at least give a woman that information over the phone, and not a lousy text. So I answered that call, and much to my surprise, he was asking me life advice. DATING advice.... FUCK. He was telling me more about these other two women than I cared to know. But I did the only thing I knew how to do, dish out the good, friendly advise that I am pretty well known for. I figured if I can't have this guy as my boyfriend, he seemed cool enough to hang out with from time to time. And who knows, maybe this friendship could lead me to connect with more people and broaden my dating pool. So we talked on the phone for 2 more hours. By the time I hung up I thought I might still have a shot! He wasn't telling me to get bent, he was telling me how awesome I was! Maybe he is just as bonkers as I am. Shit... maybe he is just as bonkers as I am. 

     So the next morning he texts me, wanting me to know he is looking forward to when we can meet again. Knowing my schedule is a total crap shoot, I let him know that I have to figure that out, and let him know as soon as I do when that can be. I have already worked it out in my head that if I want to have a chance here, it needs to be soon! Dean is a total catch!  So I tell him that if he wants to see me again before my kids come home, that is has to be later in the week. So we decide on dinner that coming Friday, this time I would drive to his town, which is about 45 mins from my place. It was a bit of an aggressive move on my part, but I truly felt the risk was worth it. He seemed a bit taken aback by the haste, but he rolled with it. 

     So we met for dinner at one of his favorite places. Talked for another hour or more, ate dinner and decided on heading back to his temporary home, an RV, for a night cap and a movie. As much as we had hit it off the first night, it was all over the second date. He was just as much me as I am. It's totally weird to see myself as a man, but I have to say, I'm happy with the result. We are different enough that I knew it would be interesting, but similar enough that I knew we would be on the same wavelength for many things. 

    Like I typically do, in total "me" fashion, I tried to wall myself off to him. I kept him close enough to get to know me, but kept him far enough away to keep most of my heart intact if he decided that I wasn't worth the trouble. About another week later he officially asked me to be his girlfriend, and about 2 weeks after that we both deleted our online profiles. 

     This last six months has been a roller coaster ride for me. I was at a very low, lonely spot in my life when I met him. He has been so kind and caring, helping me through my anxieties about being in a relationship. Showing me that compassion still exists in this world. Dean is calm, steady, and unwavering. All the things that I lack walking into this. He sees how broken I am, how broken I was. He has helped me pull down those walls I took so long to build. He is a man of integrity, and I for one am completely beside myself that he chose me. Most of you know what a damned mess I can be, how abrasive I can get, and just how fucking great I have gotten at pushing people away. Dean sees it too, and he calls me out on it. He doesn't let me get away with it, he has a way with communicating with me, working through it so I can get to the heart of what is really concerning me. He gives me space when I am getting annoyed, and he pours in just as much love as I do. We speak the same language when it comes to that. We finally found something in each other that we had been missing so much in our lives. 

     So this is me, shedding my single girl attitude. Embracing the new adventure I have embarked on, and wishing and hoping that the best is yet to come. 

.... Until next time my friends   




  

Don't Ever Lower Your Standards

     Hello all, it has been a hell of a long time, huh!? Well I have been insanely busy with work, and of course as the kids get older, they become more social, but they still can't drive themselves around, so it's Momma's Free Uber service for the time being. Soon that will change however, as Adrienne is quickly approaching driving age! YIIKES! How did I get this old!? Shit... someone rewind the clock a few years, I am not sure if I am quite ready for that. She is a great kid, intelligent and witty, but I can't help but wonder what kind of teenage bullshit she is going to pull with me. So for now all I can do is offer her my advice and wisdom and hope that she keeps her standards high. I have wavered on mine from time to time, Lord knows I need help pulling my head out sometimes. So my hope for her is that she learns from my mistakes, makes a few minor ones on her own, and walks out into the world with her head tightly fastened to her shoulders. 

     Having high standards in life is very important, it gives you a self guide on the things you wish to achieve in life, the things you wish to better, and how you present yourself to the world. I have no idea how many times in my life I have been told that my standards are too high. Whether that is with a career choice, my love life, or just my day to day living. You see, I don't have a college degree, so applying for jobs that I know I possess the skills for, yet lack the piece of paper with some fancy letters on it, I get told to "set my sights lower". Fuck you, just because I don't have a BA in Office Management, doesn't mean I can't answer phones and make appointments Mr. Can't-Tie-His-Own-Tie. 

Same goes for my love life... I see an attractive man and lose all courage to speak to him because all those voices telling me he is "out of my league" are stitching my mouth shut. I know what I have to offer, and I know I am not the best looking woman out there. Does that really mean that I can't have my cake and eat it too? 

     I have had a checklist of sorts for the things I wish to find in a man. Since my divorce I have dated many that haven't quite fit the bill. Some were way off the mark, others were close, but missed a few important ones. I have been holding tight to that list though, determined to find this man who fit me, who made me smile from the inside out, and who took the time to show me every single day how much he cares for me and my kids. In my mind, this man is kind, loving, and considerate. He can sing, or at least carry a tune here and there. He is attractive and has done well for himself in life, not "rich", just comfortable. This man would put me at the top of his priorities list, and also have a spot in his heart for my children. He would embrace my weirdness and love me for me, not who he thinks I might become. In his eyes my flaws are just facets to my shining personality, his heart beats for me and only me. Now I know that there are some weirdly specific things on that list, and I don't really care what you think about that! It's my bizarre list and I am sticking to it! And it's a damned good thing that I did! Because I have met that man! 

     WHAT! No way! She must have finally snapped and thinks she has met this insanely specific man.... I know that's what you're thinking. Don't call the nice young men with the long white coats to take me just yet! He exists! I am so happy, and not in the "floating on cloud nine" kind of feeling. It's more like, I am finally grounded, feet firmly planted and for the first time in a long time I have a vision of what my future looks like. Yes I know how that sounds, and no, I am not crazy... well, maybe just a little... but I am still me after all. I am cautiously optimistic, and excited for what this may bring. 

     I see changes in my life ahead, and those changes will affect many areas. Housing, job, love, children, all these things will need to be re-evaluated and adjusted. You see that is the tricky part with dating and having kids. So many things have to come together perfectly. It's not easy, and I truly believe it can be done. It will take time and patience on all parts, and when it all comes together, I hope with all my heart that I will have my happily ever after. My life has been nothing but chaos these last 5 years. I have had moments where the chaos has controlled me, and where I have somewhat controlled it... nonetheless, it has still been a mess. If anyone deserves a happily ever after, it's me. So I am going to take it.

Until Next Time Friends

 

Life is a Trip

     I just came back from a week of vacation. Now I know that most people will say, "So what!" Well, shut up, I'm going to tell you what. I just came back from a week of vacation that I am very proud of. It was a milestone for me, because for the first time in the history of me, I not only afforded a trip all on my own, I took my family with me. It was magical.

     This year will mark five years since my life dramatically changed, in fact, this year would have been 16 years of marriage. It's strange for me to even think about how much my life has changed in this short amount of time. My married life feels like a lifetime ago, yet I still catch myself fiddling for a wedding band that's not there, yearning for a spouse that is living in another place, and wondering what might have been. Then I snap myself back into reality and I can't help but feel satisfied with where I am today. I look at how much I have accomplished on my own, at the goals I have set for myself and reached. Those goals I set for myself that I am so very close to getting, and the satisfaction of knowing that I not only did it on my own, but that I had the courage to seek help when I needed. We all get lost along the way and need a hand, it's those that are too proud to admit that, that struggle. I accepted help when it was offered, I offered help to others when I could, and I know the meaning of hard work. Those things have gotten me to here, to this place of peace, this place of accomplishment, this place where I can save up for and follow through with a vacation for my family. So, I get to be proud of myself, and I am, so your opinion doesn't much matter.

     As I begin to take a foothold into this new life I have been dealt, I have found some bits of myself that I never knew were there. I have found an inner strength that has pulled me from the flames more than once, hell, it's pulled me out more times than I might care to admit. Knowing it's there, gives me hope for the future, confidence in myself that I can endure all that life has to throw my way. I am trying to teach my kids the value in that, the courage it takes to just say to yourself, "I am strong, and I can get through this." I cannot sit idle and watch my life pass me by. I will make my own path, I will find my own way, and I will not look back on a life of "What could have been". To have that kind of strength is only something that you can find when you have no other choice, when falling apart is the only way you can come together.

     So I am making it on my own, I am pushing forward and I hope that as my life grows into something beautiful, I will too. I want to make a difference in my life, for myself and my kids. Perhaps someday, for others too. I have big dreams, and big goals, I will keep working for them and keep inspiring myself to do the things that scare me, the things that make you want to step back are usually the things that make life worth living. So my advice to you is live fearlessly, do the things that make you feel alive, and take the trip.

Until Next Time...

Post Break-up Revelations

     Hey guys, it's been a while since I have written anything down. Seems that I have been on a bit of an adventure in dating these last 4 months.... And well, I think that by now you may have guessed, that adventure has ended. Many of you didn't even know I was seeing someone exclusively, and for good reason. You see, there is this phenomenon that happens when people know their single friend is seeing someone. First they ask the million questions about how you met and why you like them and blah, blah, shut up for fucks sake, blah... Then comes the highly inappropriate questions... When are you getting married!? Do you want kids with them!? (if you want the answer to that last one read my previous blog entries.) I don't know why this happens, but I can tell you, as a person with other single friends I also find myself asking these questions. Well, not the inappropriate ones, but I do tend to grill my other single friends when they find someone new. Part of me believes that this is because we want to get an impression of said person before they are formally introduced, and we need to know if they will fit into our close knit group. The other part of me knows it's pure morbid curiosity. So yeah... that is the biggest reason I never really told many people that I was seeing anyone seriously.

     So back to it, my adventure with this man ended last night. It was hard, I hate that conversation, and I especially hate when you know it's coming and don't want it to end. When something like this sneaks up on you and hits you by surprise, it's devastating, but when you know that it's coming for at least 24 hours ahead of time... It's like being strapped to the front of a train that is barreling towards a blown up bridge... 20 miles out... being pelted with gravel... I suppose that feeling would be impending doom. It's the worst. The thing about this break up, it was both of those things wrapped into one.  
Not only did I know this conversation needed to be had a full day before it did, I had been completely happy with this man only 2 days before this. Talk about a punch in the gut...

     I really need to touch on the revelation that I got from this relationship's end. Don't hold onto your past so hard that you allow it to affect your future relationships. I know that your past shapes you into the person that you are, and to some extent will have some effect on how you care for the next person you fall for. However, you cannot expect to move forward with your life and find true happiness, if you keep the mindset that you have always had. There are reasons why people grow and change over time, it is so we can learn from our mistakes and not make them over and over again. They say that the definition of insanity, is doing the same thing over and over again, while expecting different results. I have done an awful lot of soul searching over the last two years, and I can honestly say that keeping the same baggage from past relationships is very difficult to unpack. With each person that comes and goes, you gain another little bit of self doubt, trust issues and perhaps even another insecurity or two depending on how they treated you. Those things should be tended to as they come up, and your new potential partner should be made aware of what they may be walking into. In my experience, talking about ex's is ok as long as it's not beaten to death. So that means that before you start trying to date seriously, you need to make sure that you are over your last ex.
     You will begin to notice that the baggage you carry will shift and change as you move forward. Some of the things I have held onto from my ex husband have lessened quite a bit. Now don't get me wrong, I will still be aware of red flags and I keep my guard up before allowing someone to get too close to me. But trying to drag the issues I found with men in my past, into a new relationship with a completely different person... that is crazy.
   
     In the same way that you love your friends for their very different personalities, you will find the same thing in the men you date. At least I have. I know that I have a type, well, I have noticed a pattern to the men I have found myself attracted to. It still doesn't mean that they are all similar in personality. So when dating, one of the biggest mistakes you can make, is expecting that your new person will react to things in the same way your ex, or ex's, did. I am absolutely learning this myself as I go on, and trying to interpret some people is much harder than others. I suppose my point here is that you should always give someone a chance if you feel like there is potential there. Just because you had an ex react badly to something, doesn't mean that the next person will.

     I don't want any of you to change who you are as a person, if that is what you took away from this, then you are mistaken. I want everyone to find happiness, love, and I want you to find all that in yourselves. Never expect someone to bring that into your life. Those are things that you will need to come already prepared with. You will find that when you show up to your next life step, all whole and happy... it will make the next adventure that much sweeter.

Until Next Time My Friends.    

Online Dating Profiles

     Hey guys, can we just talk for a minute about online dating profiles? In theory the concept seems pretty fucking simple. You take about 15 to 20 minutes to write down a few interests and describe yourself. Upload a few flattering images of yourself to highlight your best features, and then send it off into the abyss of the internet.... WRONG! Here's how it really goes. First you browse through your hundreds of selfies, trying to find the perfect one to be the main image, the first impression. Fuck me, that is a lot harder than it should be! I mean come on, I'm not a terrible looking woman, so why is it, that I can look at an image of myself and rip it to shreds in about 3 seconds!? Dammit, I ended up going off my facebook likes and comments. That's right, an impromptu popularity contest. I scrolled through my profile pics and chose the best 3 or 4 that my friends and family liked the most. Phew... that only took.... 2 hours!? Are you shitting me!? Fuck... ok, now I need to fill the rest of this godforsaken thing out. Height, body type, religion, kids, job.... fuck is this a dating site or an FBI interrogation? Alright, now I just need to type in some hobbies... What do I do in my spare time? I'm drawing a blank... crap... ummmm... should I put on here that I blog randomly and binge watch Netflix until I pass out every night? No, dammit, I need to sound fun. Ok, basics, camping, hiking, fishing, ok that is a few things. Now I have to write a damned paragraph about myself!? You know what, fuck it, I have been doing this shit way too long. I am not going to be nice anymore. I'll spare you all the details, but this thing is about 3 paragraphs long. Bet that not one of these fools reads a damned word.

     OK, so I have spent... wait... is that right? 4 mother fucking hours on this shit!? Why did I waste so much time? I could have been doing something more productive, like finding out who dies this week on Supernatural. Those guys are always dying. Crap, focus, you're supposed to go browse through men's profiles now. Here we go, click, click, is that a fucking dolphin? Where the hell did he read that posing with a dolphin would help pick up chicks? Moron, click, click, whoah, that is the biggest unibrow I have ever seen.... Ok, moving on. I have probably clicked through dozens of profiles and I have to wonder, where did these guys get so many dogs? Is there a site somewhere that is telling these guys to pose with a dog to get dates? Oh... there is? Well, that explains a lot. Why are these morons posting group pics? Hey! Douche nozzle! I don't want to play the guessing game, you all look like you fucked an entire sorority house. Wanna know how I can tell? The fohawk and the beer bong totally gives you away. Also posing with 3 or 4 random guys, and making me figure out which one of you is in all the pictures, is a real fast way to make me click the fucking X. Congratulations, you win the dip shit award.
 
     Can we pause a moment to talk about the guys posting pics of themselves from 5 or 10 years ago? Here is a news flash for you, if I like what I see, then I see how you look now and it's not even a little bit the same... I am not going to keep talking to you. Especially if you from 5 years ago looks good, and you now looks like the stay puff marshmallow man fucked Shrek and gave birth to your ass. I'm not typically one to get hung up on looks, but seriously, there has to be some kind of attraction there or this is going nowhere fast. Also, don't expect me to drive 2 hours to where you live for a first date. We meet in the middle, that is only fair. Hell you don't even have to pay for my lunch sweetheart, just don't be a dick.

     That brings me to another irritating thing I have noticed on these profiles. You get to select what kind of relationship you are searching for, you know, let people know how serious you are about all this. If you don't know what the fuck you want, then just select the "Just dating, noting serious" box. Do not go advertising that you want a relationship, or that you are putting serious effort into finding someone when you have no idea what you want. Especially if you have just broken up with someone. I'm not in here to be your rebound girl. Also, the casual dating/no commitment group. Give me a break, go to Tinder, that selection may as well read, "I'm emotionally constipated, but your vagina sounds neat!" Get the fuck out of my inbox with your hook up bullshit. Most of these guys are muscle built meat heads, they have no interest in carrying on a conversation, they just want to roll in the sack and peace out.

     Then we have the inspirational quote guys, shoot me now... These guys post one picture of themselves, and it's with terrible back lighting and you can't make out their face. Then the rest of the pics on their profile are lovey-dovey romance quotes. Give me a break, you are a level 10 clinger and you more than likely look like a gremlin that ate after midnight. Don't get me wrong, a little romance is great, but 5 romantic love quotes and then sending me a message that is straight out of some Victorian romance novel!? Overkill man, overkill. Dial it down about 20 notches, you are approaching "it puts the lotion on its skin" creepy. Also, don't fucking tell me that it looks like I smell nice. That kind of shit makes a woman want to send your profile information into crime stoppers. We are pretty sure you have your last girlfriend locked in your basement.

     Still clicking through these guys, I swear most of them need lessons on selfies. Holding your phone on your beer gut and then looking down at it does not help there Hoss. You look like the cattle you herd. Car selfies, so many car selfies. Ok, I get it, you can drive, awesome. Can you cook a meal? Can you hold down a job? Is that really your grandma's car? On a scale of 1 to 10, how insane are you? With women that last one is easy to determine, the more make up she wears, the crazier she is. Men are a mystery, he's cute, but is he going to make our waiter cry because he is a total dick? Yes, yes he is.

     Remind me why I keep doing this? Life long partner found online? I know it happens, I know people that this has worked for. I may be a different story, perhaps I am supposed to keep doing this shit so I can have writing material. I will keep on keeping on for you guys, my friends, my family. You all can take joy in reading about my disasters.
Until next time my friends.