The End, But in the Best Way Possible

                     

Tomorrow, I change my name                  

                     Well hello again friends! Man has it been a long time since I wrote something brand spanking new! I have had the most fun sharing my dating nightmares, my struggle with finding inner peace, and my quest to become happy in my love life. I have had many triumphs along the way, from calling out creeps, to finally meeting the man I had been waiting so long for. In order to reach those however, I certainly had to pay my dues. You guys, some of those dates I went on... fuck me those were HORRIBLE! I met some people that should never be allowed to interact with other humans! I made it as a single mother for 7 years and I never thought I could make it through 7 days! To all my single parent friends, I applaud you, seriously, you guys are so fucking awesome you deserve ALL the things. Not only was I welcomed with open arms into that little sub community of parents, we all had similar stories and problems, we all had insane stresses and heart breaks, yet we all relied on each other to keep our sanity. We shared ideas and offered help, we traded hand me downs and child care. We are all in the same village, helping each other out, thank you for being my people. 

For my best friends, my squad, my people... If it weren't for you all, I would not have become the woman I am today, My closest friends and family, you have supported me, held me up when I had nothing left, and you were all my cheerleaders along the way. I will love you all until the day I die. If I could have had the biggest damned wedding my little heart desired, I would have had the biggest wedding party ever! 

                    Wedding... Yeah... I got fucking MARRIED! AGAIN! What the HELL is wrong with me! Well, at least that is what I imagine some of you may be yelling, or maybe that is what was ringing through my head when I said yes to Tony. The thing is, that I knew he was the man I wanted to be with long before he asked me. Granted, this is me we are talking about and I kept that titanium wall locked tight for a long time. I did not want to fall for him the way I did, I tried to keep him at arm's length, but dammit, he just stuck around anyway. There was no pushing Tony away because he was right there reminding me that I am enough, I am a good person, and I deserved his love. He never wavered, never set unrealistic expectations, and he always, always made up anytime he caused me any sort of hurt and emotional pain. He does these things because he too is a broken human. Broken by the one person he trusted with his heart, same as me. We went through such similar pain, that it was so easy to help each other along the way. Each one of us being wiser, from our learned experiences, and being able to see and communicate any tiny issues before they become something larger than life. We have the power of hindsight on our side, being able to look back at our own mistakes and doing our part to try and do better this time around. So why am I suddenly having this hard time grasping that I am now becoming Mrs. Florence. 

                    Identity crisis? I mean that seems to make the most sense, I am having an identity crisis. Perhaps it isn't a crisis though, maybe a small bump in life? I didn't have a hard time changing my name the first time around, so excited to learn my new signature and initials, I couldn't wait until people asked my name and I would proudly give them my new name. I had the same general excitement, until I started to actually begin the process, shit, I forgot how much of a pain in the ass this is. Calling every company you do business with to give them the new name. Changing bank accounts, loans, credit cards, filling out name change paperwork for every damned thing under the sun! I had to do this twice already, this is the third time... and it will be the LAST time. I do not want anyone else by my side, Tony is the one for me. He doesn't always understand me, but he tries. This man is simply the best person I have met, he has so much patience that it is hard to believe. Florence, Leigh-Ann Marie Florence. I will get used to saying it, and signing it. 

                    So today is my final blog entry, a final toast to all the crazy antics, and a big middle finger to my ex's that made this journey so messed up. They never deserved me, and I never deserved the garbage they dumped on me. I know that, I also know that they can no longer control my life. I have let that shit go, so a great big fuck off to the emotional roller coaster that was my life for 8 long years. When we finally get to the point in our lives, when we start making decisions for ourselves and not for other people, that is when we can most easily walk away from those people that no longer serve a valuable place in our head space. They don't pay rent here, they are gone from my brain. I have a new life, a new family, and a new husband to love me in the best way he knows how. Like the tide pulling the ocean in and out, I have sent that past out into the sea. This chapter of my life has been life changing, eye opening, and made me so, so humble. 

I cannot wait to see what life has to bring me in the future. My kids are all lined up to begin their next chapter's too, with my beautiful daughter starting them off by graduating next June. This is usually where I sign off until next time, but here, this is the end of my journey. So goodbye friends, keep moving forward, and always choose kindness. The world needs more of that shit. 

                    

Toxic Relationships and Recovery

     Hey friends! It has been WAY too long! Shit, it's been almost a year since I have graced this blog with my presence. So, what's up! Hope all of you have had a great year! I know I have! It's been a whirlwind of amazing! I am truly, madly, deeply in love! (Only my 90's friends will get that reference) So if I am so in love, why am I writing about toxic relationships? Read on guys and gals, shit is about to get real.

     Many of you know how my past relationships went, I met a man, he was sweet until he wasn't. Things always seemed fine at first, no major issues, until little red flags started popping up, and because I didn't want to believe I was getting myself into yet another shitty relationship, I ignored them or told myself that the issues weren't that bad. It was an endless cycle, bad relationship after another. Men who said they liked me, or loved me, then they cheated on me, dumped me for seemingly no reason, or my all time fave... GHOSTED the FUCK out of me. For those that don't know that dating term, it means they literally disappear. No texts, no calls, zilch! Like they vanish into thin air. The one thing that most of these men had in common was the fact that they really believe they are "Good" guys. They always had a crazy ex, they always seemed down on their luck and just looking for a decent woman in their life for once... I fell for it, over and over. Always second guessing myself, apologizing for everything, feeling like I was the one losing control when all along they were manipulating me. Gas lighting me at every emotional turn, again, if you don't know that term, look it up. Basically making me feel like I was crazy for having a perfectly normal reaction to whatever asshole thing they did, like cheating on me, or belittling me.

     So why am I revisiting all this? Well, to make you understand why I have such a hard time accepting the fact that I have someone who is really, truly decent. He respects me, he loves me, accepts me and my kids, and he cares for me. Yet with all those wonderful qualities, I had the hardest time trusting that he was sincere. You see, it was so difficult to decipher if he was real or not. He treated me like all the others at first, hooking me reeling me in... I was waiting for the nightmare to start. Waiting for him to start chatting with other women, making me believe that they were just his friends. Expecting him to start having more and more "guys night out" all the while his "guys" are not with him. Finding out from one of my girl friends that he has been secretly sending her inappropriate messages asking her out for drinks.
     I got deeper into this relationship and he wasn't doing any of this, I was shocked, I was leery, and I was really struggling to believe that this was all real. It felt too good to be true. How could a man this good, fall for me? He has treated me with such compassion, he has listened to me, and done his very best to understand why I apologize for everything. He reassures me when I start to worry about the stability of our relationship. He holds me when I can't stop crying because my anxiety is sky high over the thought of him leaving, only because I overthink every thing. I immediately think that the worst is about to happen, when in reality, nothing is happening. I am broken, flawed and sometimes just a fucking mess... and he loves me through it all.

     I think that Toxic Relationship Syndrome should be a real thing, and I am a survivor. I have learned that trusting is something so hard, only because for other men that have been with me, it has been so easy for them to break that trust. My current relationship will be my last, if I have anything to say about it. He feels the same way. He was also in a pretty toxic relationship. One that was full of one sided love, and filled with resentment and lies. For him, being with someone completely honest is refreshing, it makes him want to be completely honest, and work through our differences. When before, both of us would shy away from discussing those differences because we feared the other person in that relationship would try and force us to change to their will. Having someone that embraces you as you are is so unheard of that we begin to wonder if it's even out there. It can be terrifying to let little bits of yourself out to someone, in fear that they will reject the person that you are. Letting someone in on those little quirks you have, and seeing them not only accept them, but to laugh and applaud you for them because they too have a similar quirk. It takes something very raw, very real, and very powerful to pull you out of "Toxic Relationship Syndrome". For me, it took over a year of loving and truly being loved in return. I am still learning, still growing and slowly letting go of my fears.

     For any of my friends that have had toxic relationships, or are in one, or think they are in one and need help recognizing the signs. I am here for you. I will help you in any way I can. Even if that means giving you a place to stay for a while. Helping you with a way out, directing you to a counselor or just being a sounding board for you. I am here. I have been through it, and I will help you navigate your way out. I will help you find your feet, find your strength, and mostly just let you know that you are NOT alone. The biggest step is recognizing that the relationship is bad for you, and then accepting the help when it is offered. 

     Real love exists, it took me 5 years to wake up and find it, and I only wish I had found it many, many years ago. However, knowing what I know now... I wouldn't have my beautiful babies, and I also wouldn't have become such a strong person. One doesn't become strong until the world you know falls apart, and strength is the only thing you have left. Believe that you are worth loving, because everyone is.

Until Next Time My Friends.

Real Life Love

     Hey guys, it's been a hell of a long time. I seem to have fallen off the blogging wagon. Well, maybe less fall and more leap... you see I have finally met someone that I feel comfortable enough talking about. That is, comfortable enough to tell the world, aka like 15 of you who actually ready this, that I am completely in love with this man, and I am scared to death. Read on.... 

       Most of you are fully aware of the dating nightmares I have endured. Some pitiful, disgusting, and downright awful humans, have met me at coffee shops, beaches, toy stores (that one was particularly bad), and restaurants. I have been laughed at, ignored, told to lose weight, gain weight, and been made to feel like a nuisance. Until now... Here is the story about how I met my current man. If you follow me on Facebook you already know his name, but for privacy's sake, this is a public blog after all, I will call him "Dean". 

     Yes, I met Dean online, we hit things off on that fucking horrible cesspool called POF. Many of you know that dating site, and it's not the greatest, but it's also not the worst. Dean adhered to my first, and frankly most important rule, DON'T leave me a one word or poorly written message. He took the time to read through my entire profile, and he left me a thought out, albeit lengthy, message about karaoke and how much he would love to meet up with me and sing together sometime. Now I love to sing, I have my favorite karaoke bar, and I absolutely love to watch a man make a fool of himself. I might be a little evil, but I digress. So Dean and I start chatting about karaoke and bars and how much fun we will have. I felt like I could trust him pretty quickly, which is VERY unlike me, and we exchanged phone numbers on day 1! Wow, I know, I'm fucking insane. 

     Things are going well, we had made a plan to go out and sing on a weekend I didn't have my kids. Then schedules started conflicting, my work load got to be tough to juggle with any sort of social life. Pretty soon it was 2 weeks later and we still hadn't met! Yet we were texting every single day, strangely enough, as much as we wanted to hear the other's voice, we decided to leave that bit a mystery. Dean was very attractive, very well spoken, and he seemed very kind. I was beginning to worry that he would be snapped up off the market very quickly. So I finally found an opening in my schedule to meet on a Tuesday night, late. It was after 9 pm in this little town, on a warm, yet still chilled night late in June. Most businesses hadn't gotten their swing of summer tourists yet, so things were very quiet, and very few places still had their doors open. I didn't want to get lost in the crowd of a bar, and it was much too late for dinner. So we settled on taking a little walk on a trail near Sand Creek, and found a bench to sit on and talk. 

     Dean was just as attractive in person as he was online, he spoke with a smooth baritone in his voice, not over powering like most men. He was shy and confident at the same time, he had a way about him that was charming and casual, yet slightly off hand and naive to some of the ways of this new dating lifestyle. I quickly learned that Dean had not been on the scene nearly as long as I had. The hairs on the back of my neck tingled, I worried that this would be an issue. The longer we talked the more I was feeling like this would be the last time I saw him. As much as I liked him, I worried that my experiences might be too much for him to handle.  I learned that he had been on other dates, which wasn't a surprise to me at all, I mean... LOOK AT HIM! He's the whole package! He admitted that I, however, had been the woman he most looked forward to meeting. That did surprise me. Why me? My looks are average, my personality is fucking awesome, but I am certainly not without my flaws. I just couldn't see how everything I had been searching for in a man was standing right here in front of me, yet felt so far out of reach. 

     Dean and I talked for hours, it was nearly 1 am by the time he headed for home. I hugged him and drove the 5 mins back to my place... then my phone rang. It was Dean. I was shaking, I figured this was it, this was him calling me to tell me that he had fun, but that he didn't want to see me again. There was something about him that struck me as the kind of guy to at least give a woman that information over the phone, and not a lousy text. So I answered that call, and much to my surprise, he was asking me life advice. DATING advice.... FUCK. He was telling me more about these other two women than I cared to know. But I did the only thing I knew how to do, dish out the good, friendly advise that I am pretty well known for. I figured if I can't have this guy as my boyfriend, he seemed cool enough to hang out with from time to time. And who knows, maybe this friendship could lead me to connect with more people and broaden my dating pool. So we talked on the phone for 2 more hours. By the time I hung up I thought I might still have a shot! He wasn't telling me to get bent, he was telling me how awesome I was! Maybe he is just as bonkers as I am. Shit... maybe he is just as bonkers as I am. 

     So the next morning he texts me, wanting me to know he is looking forward to when we can meet again. Knowing my schedule is a total crap shoot, I let him know that I have to figure that out, and let him know as soon as I do when that can be. I have already worked it out in my head that if I want to have a chance here, it needs to be soon! Dean is a total catch!  So I tell him that if he wants to see me again before my kids come home, that is has to be later in the week. So we decide on dinner that coming Friday, this time I would drive to his town, which is about 45 mins from my place. It was a bit of an aggressive move on my part, but I truly felt the risk was worth it. He seemed a bit taken aback by the haste, but he rolled with it. 

     So we met for dinner at one of his favorite places. Talked for another hour or more, ate dinner and decided on heading back to his temporary home, an RV, for a night cap and a movie. As much as we had hit it off the first night, it was all over the second date. He was just as much me as I am. It's totally weird to see myself as a man, but I have to say, I'm happy with the result. We are different enough that I knew it would be interesting, but similar enough that I knew we would be on the same wavelength for many things. 

    Like I typically do, in total "me" fashion, I tried to wall myself off to him. I kept him close enough to get to know me, but kept him far enough away to keep most of my heart intact if he decided that I wasn't worth the trouble. About another week later he officially asked me to be his girlfriend, and about 2 weeks after that we both deleted our online profiles. 

     This last six months has been a roller coaster ride for me. I was at a very low, lonely spot in my life when I met him. He has been so kind and caring, helping me through my anxieties about being in a relationship. Showing me that compassion still exists in this world. Dean is calm, steady, and unwavering. All the things that I lack walking into this. He sees how broken I am, how broken I was. He has helped me pull down those walls I took so long to build. He is a man of integrity, and I for one am completely beside myself that he chose me. Most of you know what a damned mess I can be, how abrasive I can get, and just how fucking great I have gotten at pushing people away. Dean sees it too, and he calls me out on it. He doesn't let me get away with it, he has a way with communicating with me, working through it so I can get to the heart of what is really concerning me. He gives me space when I am getting annoyed, and he pours in just as much love as I do. We speak the same language when it comes to that. We finally found something in each other that we had been missing so much in our lives. 

     So this is me, shedding my single girl attitude. Embracing the new adventure I have embarked on, and wishing and hoping that the best is yet to come. 

.... Until next time my friends   




  

Don't Ever Lower Your Standards

     Hello all, it has been a hell of a long time, huh!? Well I have been insanely busy with work, and of course as the kids get older, they become more social, but they still can't drive themselves around, so it's Momma's Free Uber service for the time being. Soon that will change however, as Adrienne is quickly approaching driving age! YIIKES! How did I get this old!? Shit... someone rewind the clock a few years, I am not sure if I am quite ready for that. She is a great kid, intelligent and witty, but I can't help but wonder what kind of teenage bullshit she is going to pull with me. So for now all I can do is offer her my advice and wisdom and hope that she keeps her standards high. I have wavered on mine from time to time, Lord knows I need help pulling my head out sometimes. So my hope for her is that she learns from my mistakes, makes a few minor ones on her own, and walks out into the world with her head tightly fastened to her shoulders. 

     Having high standards in life is very important, it gives you a self guide on the things you wish to achieve in life, the things you wish to better, and how you present yourself to the world. I have no idea how many times in my life I have been told that my standards are too high. Whether that is with a career choice, my love life, or just my day to day living. You see, I don't have a college degree, so applying for jobs that I know I possess the skills for, yet lack the piece of paper with some fancy letters on it, I get told to "set my sights lower". Fuck you, just because I don't have a BA in Office Management, doesn't mean I can't answer phones and make appointments Mr. Can't-Tie-His-Own-Tie. 

Same goes for my love life... I see an attractive man and lose all courage to speak to him because all those voices telling me he is "out of my league" are stitching my mouth shut. I know what I have to offer, and I know I am not the best looking woman out there. Does that really mean that I can't have my cake and eat it too? 

     I have had a checklist of sorts for the things I wish to find in a man. Since my divorce I have dated many that haven't quite fit the bill. Some were way off the mark, others were close, but missed a few important ones. I have been holding tight to that list though, determined to find this man who fit me, who made me smile from the inside out, and who took the time to show me every single day how much he cares for me and my kids. In my mind, this man is kind, loving, and considerate. He can sing, or at least carry a tune here and there. He is attractive and has done well for himself in life, not "rich", just comfortable. This man would put me at the top of his priorities list, and also have a spot in his heart for my children. He would embrace my weirdness and love me for me, not who he thinks I might become. In his eyes my flaws are just facets to my shining personality, his heart beats for me and only me. Now I know that there are some weirdly specific things on that list, and I don't really care what you think about that! It's my bizarre list and I am sticking to it! And it's a damned good thing that I did! Because I have met that man! 

     WHAT! No way! She must have finally snapped and thinks she has met this insanely specific man.... I know that's what you're thinking. Don't call the nice young men with the long white coats to take me just yet! He exists! I am so happy, and not in the "floating on cloud nine" kind of feeling. It's more like, I am finally grounded, feet firmly planted and for the first time in a long time I have a vision of what my future looks like. Yes I know how that sounds, and no, I am not crazy... well, maybe just a little... but I am still me after all. I am cautiously optimistic, and excited for what this may bring. 

     I see changes in my life ahead, and those changes will affect many areas. Housing, job, love, children, all these things will need to be re-evaluated and adjusted. You see that is the tricky part with dating and having kids. So many things have to come together perfectly. It's not easy, and I truly believe it can be done. It will take time and patience on all parts, and when it all comes together, I hope with all my heart that I will have my happily ever after. My life has been nothing but chaos these last 5 years. I have had moments where the chaos has controlled me, and where I have somewhat controlled it... nonetheless, it has still been a mess. If anyone deserves a happily ever after, it's me. So I am going to take it.

Until Next Time Friends

 

Life is a Trip

     I just came back from a week of vacation. Now I know that most people will say, "So what!" Well, shut up, I'm going to tell you what. I just came back from a week of vacation that I am very proud of. It was a milestone for me, because for the first time in the history of me, I not only afforded a trip all on my own, I took my family with me. It was magical.

     This year will mark five years since my life dramatically changed, in fact, this year would have been 16 years of marriage. It's strange for me to even think about how much my life has changed in this short amount of time. My married life feels like a lifetime ago, yet I still catch myself fiddling for a wedding band that's not there, yearning for a spouse that is living in another place, and wondering what might have been. Then I snap myself back into reality and I can't help but feel satisfied with where I am today. I look at how much I have accomplished on my own, at the goals I have set for myself and reached. Those goals I set for myself that I am so very close to getting, and the satisfaction of knowing that I not only did it on my own, but that I had the courage to seek help when I needed. We all get lost along the way and need a hand, it's those that are too proud to admit that, that struggle. I accepted help when it was offered, I offered help to others when I could, and I know the meaning of hard work. Those things have gotten me to here, to this place of peace, this place of accomplishment, this place where I can save up for and follow through with a vacation for my family. So, I get to be proud of myself, and I am, so your opinion doesn't much matter.

     As I begin to take a foothold into this new life I have been dealt, I have found some bits of myself that I never knew were there. I have found an inner strength that has pulled me from the flames more than once, hell, it's pulled me out more times than I might care to admit. Knowing it's there, gives me hope for the future, confidence in myself that I can endure all that life has to throw my way. I am trying to teach my kids the value in that, the courage it takes to just say to yourself, "I am strong, and I can get through this." I cannot sit idle and watch my life pass me by. I will make my own path, I will find my own way, and I will not look back on a life of "What could have been". To have that kind of strength is only something that you can find when you have no other choice, when falling apart is the only way you can come together.

     So I am making it on my own, I am pushing forward and I hope that as my life grows into something beautiful, I will too. I want to make a difference in my life, for myself and my kids. Perhaps someday, for others too. I have big dreams, and big goals, I will keep working for them and keep inspiring myself to do the things that scare me, the things that make you want to step back are usually the things that make life worth living. So my advice to you is live fearlessly, do the things that make you feel alive, and take the trip.

Until Next Time...

Post Break-up Revelations

     Hey guys, it's been a while since I have written anything down. Seems that I have been on a bit of an adventure in dating these last 4 months.... And well, I think that by now you may have guessed, that adventure has ended. Many of you didn't even know I was seeing someone exclusively, and for good reason. You see, there is this phenomenon that happens when people know their single friend is seeing someone. First they ask the million questions about how you met and why you like them and blah, blah, shut up for fucks sake, blah... Then comes the highly inappropriate questions... When are you getting married!? Do you want kids with them!? (if you want the answer to that last one read my previous blog entries.) I don't know why this happens, but I can tell you, as a person with other single friends I also find myself asking these questions. Well, not the inappropriate ones, but I do tend to grill my other single friends when they find someone new. Part of me believes that this is because we want to get an impression of said person before they are formally introduced, and we need to know if they will fit into our close knit group. The other part of me knows it's pure morbid curiosity. So yeah... that is the biggest reason I never really told many people that I was seeing anyone seriously.

     So back to it, my adventure with this man ended last night. It was hard, I hate that conversation, and I especially hate when you know it's coming and don't want it to end. When something like this sneaks up on you and hits you by surprise, it's devastating, but when you know that it's coming for at least 24 hours ahead of time... It's like being strapped to the front of a train that is barreling towards a blown up bridge... 20 miles out... being pelted with gravel... I suppose that feeling would be impending doom. It's the worst. The thing about this break up, it was both of those things wrapped into one.  
Not only did I know this conversation needed to be had a full day before it did, I had been completely happy with this man only 2 days before this. Talk about a punch in the gut...

     I really need to touch on the revelation that I got from this relationship's end. Don't hold onto your past so hard that you allow it to affect your future relationships. I know that your past shapes you into the person that you are, and to some extent will have some effect on how you care for the next person you fall for. However, you cannot expect to move forward with your life and find true happiness, if you keep the mindset that you have always had. There are reasons why people grow and change over time, it is so we can learn from our mistakes and not make them over and over again. They say that the definition of insanity, is doing the same thing over and over again, while expecting different results. I have done an awful lot of soul searching over the last two years, and I can honestly say that keeping the same baggage from past relationships is very difficult to unpack. With each person that comes and goes, you gain another little bit of self doubt, trust issues and perhaps even another insecurity or two depending on how they treated you. Those things should be tended to as they come up, and your new potential partner should be made aware of what they may be walking into. In my experience, talking about ex's is ok as long as it's not beaten to death. So that means that before you start trying to date seriously, you need to make sure that you are over your last ex.
     You will begin to notice that the baggage you carry will shift and change as you move forward. Some of the things I have held onto from my ex husband have lessened quite a bit. Now don't get me wrong, I will still be aware of red flags and I keep my guard up before allowing someone to get too close to me. But trying to drag the issues I found with men in my past, into a new relationship with a completely different person... that is crazy.
   
     In the same way that you love your friends for their very different personalities, you will find the same thing in the men you date. At least I have. I know that I have a type, well, I have noticed a pattern to the men I have found myself attracted to. It still doesn't mean that they are all similar in personality. So when dating, one of the biggest mistakes you can make, is expecting that your new person will react to things in the same way your ex, or ex's, did. I am absolutely learning this myself as I go on, and trying to interpret some people is much harder than others. I suppose my point here is that you should always give someone a chance if you feel like there is potential there. Just because you had an ex react badly to something, doesn't mean that the next person will.

     I don't want any of you to change who you are as a person, if that is what you took away from this, then you are mistaken. I want everyone to find happiness, love, and I want you to find all that in yourselves. Never expect someone to bring that into your life. Those are things that you will need to come already prepared with. You will find that when you show up to your next life step, all whole and happy... it will make the next adventure that much sweeter.

Until Next Time My Friends.    

Online Dating Profiles

     Hey guys, can we just talk for a minute about online dating profiles? In theory the concept seems pretty fucking simple. You take about 15 to 20 minutes to write down a few interests and describe yourself. Upload a few flattering images of yourself to highlight your best features, and then send it off into the abyss of the internet.... WRONG! Here's how it really goes. First you browse through your hundreds of selfies, trying to find the perfect one to be the main image, the first impression. Fuck me, that is a lot harder than it should be! I mean come on, I'm not a terrible looking woman, so why is it, that I can look at an image of myself and rip it to shreds in about 3 seconds!? Dammit, I ended up going off my facebook likes and comments. That's right, an impromptu popularity contest. I scrolled through my profile pics and chose the best 3 or 4 that my friends and family liked the most. Phew... that only took.... 2 hours!? Are you shitting me!? Fuck... ok, now I need to fill the rest of this godforsaken thing out. Height, body type, religion, kids, job.... fuck is this a dating site or an FBI interrogation? Alright, now I just need to type in some hobbies... What do I do in my spare time? I'm drawing a blank... crap... ummmm... should I put on here that I blog randomly and binge watch Netflix until I pass out every night? No, dammit, I need to sound fun. Ok, basics, camping, hiking, fishing, ok that is a few things. Now I have to write a damned paragraph about myself!? You know what, fuck it, I have been doing this shit way too long. I am not going to be nice anymore. I'll spare you all the details, but this thing is about 3 paragraphs long. Bet that not one of these fools reads a damned word.

     OK, so I have spent... wait... is that right? 4 mother fucking hours on this shit!? Why did I waste so much time? I could have been doing something more productive, like finding out who dies this week on Supernatural. Those guys are always dying. Crap, focus, you're supposed to go browse through men's profiles now. Here we go, click, click, is that a fucking dolphin? Where the hell did he read that posing with a dolphin would help pick up chicks? Moron, click, click, whoah, that is the biggest unibrow I have ever seen.... Ok, moving on. I have probably clicked through dozens of profiles and I have to wonder, where did these guys get so many dogs? Is there a site somewhere that is telling these guys to pose with a dog to get dates? Oh... there is? Well, that explains a lot. Why are these morons posting group pics? Hey! Douche nozzle! I don't want to play the guessing game, you all look like you fucked an entire sorority house. Wanna know how I can tell? The fohawk and the beer bong totally gives you away. Also posing with 3 or 4 random guys, and making me figure out which one of you is in all the pictures, is a real fast way to make me click the fucking X. Congratulations, you win the dip shit award.
 
     Can we pause a moment to talk about the guys posting pics of themselves from 5 or 10 years ago? Here is a news flash for you, if I like what I see, then I see how you look now and it's not even a little bit the same... I am not going to keep talking to you. Especially if you from 5 years ago looks good, and you now looks like the stay puff marshmallow man fucked Shrek and gave birth to your ass. I'm not typically one to get hung up on looks, but seriously, there has to be some kind of attraction there or this is going nowhere fast. Also, don't expect me to drive 2 hours to where you live for a first date. We meet in the middle, that is only fair. Hell you don't even have to pay for my lunch sweetheart, just don't be a dick.

     That brings me to another irritating thing I have noticed on these profiles. You get to select what kind of relationship you are searching for, you know, let people know how serious you are about all this. If you don't know what the fuck you want, then just select the "Just dating, noting serious" box. Do not go advertising that you want a relationship, or that you are putting serious effort into finding someone when you have no idea what you want. Especially if you have just broken up with someone. I'm not in here to be your rebound girl. Also, the casual dating/no commitment group. Give me a break, go to Tinder, that selection may as well read, "I'm emotionally constipated, but your vagina sounds neat!" Get the fuck out of my inbox with your hook up bullshit. Most of these guys are muscle built meat heads, they have no interest in carrying on a conversation, they just want to roll in the sack and peace out.

     Then we have the inspirational quote guys, shoot me now... These guys post one picture of themselves, and it's with terrible back lighting and you can't make out their face. Then the rest of the pics on their profile are lovey-dovey romance quotes. Give me a break, you are a level 10 clinger and you more than likely look like a gremlin that ate after midnight. Don't get me wrong, a little romance is great, but 5 romantic love quotes and then sending me a message that is straight out of some Victorian romance novel!? Overkill man, overkill. Dial it down about 20 notches, you are approaching "it puts the lotion on its skin" creepy. Also, don't fucking tell me that it looks like I smell nice. That kind of shit makes a woman want to send your profile information into crime stoppers. We are pretty sure you have your last girlfriend locked in your basement.

     Still clicking through these guys, I swear most of them need lessons on selfies. Holding your phone on your beer gut and then looking down at it does not help there Hoss. You look like the cattle you herd. Car selfies, so many car selfies. Ok, I get it, you can drive, awesome. Can you cook a meal? Can you hold down a job? Is that really your grandma's car? On a scale of 1 to 10, how insane are you? With women that last one is easy to determine, the more make up she wears, the crazier she is. Men are a mystery, he's cute, but is he going to make our waiter cry because he is a total dick? Yes, yes he is.

     Remind me why I keep doing this? Life long partner found online? I know it happens, I know people that this has worked for. I may be a different story, perhaps I am supposed to keep doing this shit so I can have writing material. I will keep on keeping on for you guys, my friends, my family. You all can take joy in reading about my disasters.
Until next time my friends.

Shower Fantasies

     Hey guys, I just have one question, why in the hell do we deep think/fantasize/feel emotional in the shower? Is it because we are naked, and therefore feel more open to the part of our mind that allows those thoughts and feelings to come through? Well you all know me, I googled that shit. Turns out that is close to what happens. When we do something that is relaxing, calming, or creative, our brains release dopamine. That release allows our sub conscious mind to come into consciousness, allowing our brains to become more creative, and also allows us to problem solve. Interesting.... fuck you, I found it interesting.

     Well during my shower this evening I was playing my vocal jazz station on Pandora, and dancing in the shower, naturally.... and I just kept thinking, one day I will find a man who is going to slip in quietly, and watch me do my weird little dance in the shower, and he will smile and fall more in love with me. In that raw nature, the dance like no one is watching, sing like no one is listening, kind of uninhibited person that we all hide from the outside world, he will find beauty and grace.  OK, probably not so much grace, as I probably have the rhythm of a blind bongo player with one arm and a hook for a hand... nevertheless, he will be happy to call me his. In all my quirky glory, one day it will happen, well, at least in my shower induced, dopamine laden fantasy... it happens.

       I have also come up with possibilities for all my financial troubles... most solutions aren't exactly legal, but hey, this is my shower fantasy! If I want to open up a Rent-a-slut I can! There are no laws in my fantasies. I also have a hit-for-hire service, we primarily work with those that have been cheated on... so I'm a little jaded, show me anyone over the age of 30 who isn't and I will show you a fucking liar! That also reminds me, I once laughed at myself for a solid 5 mins after having a vision of liars pants actually catching on fire.

     So after all this thinking and fantasizing, a small part of me wonders if I have already met this man and told him to fuck off... or perhaps he was really creeping me out by staring at me from the dark corner of some smokey bar. Shit... I guess I am left with the fantasy. I'm not complaining though, because this man is tall, dark and handsome. He cooks for me, draws me a hot bath, and is amazing in bed. Until he manifests into reality, and doesn't irritate me with his grammar, I will hold onto my fantasy man.

Until next time friends!

Soul Searching

     Hello again, I haven't written an entry in quite some time. I have had a whole host of things happening in my life this summer. One of those things is that I broke down and created an online dating profile again... Spare me the ridiculed looks, I am going to break it down for you in my logic. Leigh-Ann logic is best, didn't you know that? Come on, I'm awesome, follow me here.
So I work in housekeeping again, so that means I will be primarily working alone. So meeting someone while I am working, is a very small window of opportunity. Unless sparks fly over a random maintenance man or pest control guy, my dating pool is pretty much non-existent. Friends and family were failing at setting me up, in fact, many have been deciding that I should just remain single. I know y'all are reading this, so thanks for that. I know I don't "need" a man in my life, I have pretty well covered that in my other entries. I would still like to find someone I can share my life with. Being single has it's perks, but it also comes with a lot of loneliness, which is something that I am not a big fan of. So in light of realizing I had pretty much no chances of sparking something in my everyday life, I decided to give this one more shot....

     Meeting men online isn't very difficult, I had barely pressed the button to send my profile into the sea of single men, when I had multiple messages waiting. I was quite blunt in my profile. I flat out stated that I would not be responding to any messages that were one word, or not thought provoking. (Which has lead me to deleting about 100 messages so far, and I have only been on this thing for about 6 weeks.) So after careful selection of a few well written messages, I sparked some conversations. After about 2 weeks I had them weeded down to 2, and then after about another week, I had 1, so we met for a date.
It went very well, we had many things in common, and we had the ability to speak easily face to face.
This can be very difficult sometimes. I call it the "Face to Face Phenomenon". It's when 2 people can chat online for hours on end, but when they meet face to face, crickets... nothing... nada... words are just fucking lost.
So there was easy conversation, date was pleasant, and we liked each other. Great! On to date number 2. Again, conversations were easy, not forced. Things went well and continued to go great, between dates as well. Dates 3 and 4 ticked by. Only one thing was majorly apparent to me. He felt things for me so deeply, and I was left feeling nothing more than a friendship. I cared for him, just not in the same capacity. This is where my empathetic side aches. I know that I am going to have to stop dating him. Which is killing me, because he has been nearly all the things I have been searching for in a man, except that I can't seem to find a spark. Fuck. My empath side is heartbroken, she knows that this is going to hurt his feelings, therefore, mine too. I hate hurting someone who doesn't deserve it.

     This is the typical point in my blog where I talk about how I handed him his ass for being a douche nozzle, and rode off into the sunset on my mother fucking unicorn being the amazingly awesome woman I am... Only that isn't this story, this story is harder than that.
He is literally one of the sweetest, most caring men I have ever met, and my heart isn't in it. I know how it feels to be in a one sided relationship, it damn near kills you. I know that I absolutely cannot do that to this man, he deserves more.
So the hard conversation is had, I am in tears knowing that I have caused him to be hurt. Let me tell you, dating when you are an empathetic person is hard sometimes. When someone deserves to be emotionally curb stomped for the way they treat another person, I am first in line to do so, but when someone isn't deserving of said emotional turmoil... I ache with them.

     So after hours of tears and apologies, we say goodnight and agree that we have come into each other's lives for a reason. I have to say, after the men I have been dealt, I honestly believe he was brought in to show me that what I seek, does exist out there. My expectations for what a man should be, have been validated. I know that I will not settle for anything less than what he gave me, and I will not settle for less than that spark. The feelings that you get when you meet someone who is good for you... That is the feeling I am seeking with all the other qualities of a good man. I want a relationship that I can count on, one that has both of us treating the other as we wish to be treated. I want a man who wants to put me first, and I want to put him first. Yes, my children will always be #1, but there is a way to keep all the people important to you as a high priority. That is all I want. Someone who cares enough for me, and my kids, to want me to feel loved and well cared for. I want to do the same for the man in my life. I want to be his Queen and him my King. I want to struggle together, be happy together and to stand side by side battling for our love in the cruel world. Loving someone shouldn't be hard, but it can be work sometimes. People change, and feelings change, and I truly think that the person worth loving can understand that and adapt over time.

You all can think I am crazy, or setting the bar too high, but I think that I am right in my expectations. After having my eyes opened to what could be... I will NEVER settle for less. I shouldn't have to. If that means that I will live my life alone, then so be it. I will know that I was right to expect greatness. Knowing that someone is there for you when you are at your lowest points, and cheering you on at your highest. That is the kind of love we should all expect.

Until next time...

Be Fierce

     Hey guys, haven't felt the writing bug much lately. I have started a new job, I am back to housekeeping, cleaning vacation rentals. It is very hard work, but I am making more money and I am happier. I am not seeing the guy from Spokane anymore. That is a long story, one that I am not sure I wish to share at this point in time. He is very sweet and kind, but ultimately, just not the person for me. I felt bad that I had to break things off over the phone, but when you live 2 hours from me, I can't really drop everything and drive over there. I never recommend delivering bad news over the phone, if you can help it. In person is always better. I need to move on, and keep forward motion. I am not about to let the little things drag me down this year. I have a lot to live up to and I am excited to keep moving on with my life. Good things are coming my way, I can feel it in my heart.

     I have been actively working on many of my friendships, making sure that I keep my friends close to me. In this life we live, we need people that are fun to travel with! Who wants to walk the road of life with boring people? Sure as fuck isn't me! I love my little circle of people. We are pretty awesome, and I couldn't be happier. I have a few that offer some deep intellectual thought, and conversation. I have a couple that keep me grounded and focused on the path ahead, and I have a few for emotional support. Family is important, but never underestimate the value of friendships. 

     I have finally learned how to live alone, and quite happily I might add. So now my concern is allowing someone into my life. Funny how we can get that way. I have lived so much of my life with another person, I honestly didn't know how to be single and alone. Considering that I have my kids every other week, I am not alone all the time. On the weeks that they are gone though, I used to struggle. I never knew what to do with myself. I was uncomfortable sitting here alone watching tv, I was uncomfortable going out to get food alone, and I was uncomfortable being seen walking all alone. Now, I am perfectly fine with it, in fact, I prefer it! I can do what I want, when I want. No one here to make me reconsider taking off for a few hours to go see a movie. I can go meet up with friends if I want to. I can sit here naked and watching movies, eating pizza and cookies, no one is here to judge me! It's very liberating! I am left alone with my own thoughts and I can be weird as fuck, not a soul around to laugh at me for dancing half naked in my kitchen to Green Day. 

     Some poor sap is out there willing to get to know me and stick around for all my shenanigans. I hope he has lots of patience and can keep up with my weirdness. I know more about my self worth now, than I ever did before. Spending a year with no boyfriend has been the best thing for me. Honestly, even when I was with the last boyfriend, I often felt alone and unloved. So for me, it has been more like 4 years single. I have learned more about myself in the last 4 years, than I have in the 30 prior. I am strong, independent and incredibly caring. I will not hold onto anyone that makes me feel less than. I know that this blog entry has been similar to some of my others when it comes to personal growth and learning how to be myself. I think it's very important to reiterate these things, not only to myself, but to those who might be struggling with who they are. I want to keep writing for the people that need to pull from my strength. For those who are wandering, lost in their own lives. I want to empower those younger than me, to keep moving forward with their lives and focusing on the life ahead of them. I want those in a similar situation to know that they are not alone, they are worth loving and they have all the power in their hearts to be strong. It comes with time, learning, and understanding that you are not super human. It's ok to break, it's ok to hurt, and it is ok to need someone to help you through. Transformations don't happen overnight, they happen slowly. We are all beautiful fucking butterflies waiting to spring out of our cocoons. 

     Ok, go fourth my fucking fantastic friends and be fierce, be amazing unicorns, and take over your life one breath at a time. Until next time.   

    

Guarded, Locked and Loaded

     Hey guys, what's happening in your lives? Same shit different day? Great, me too. Only it's slightly different shit, and a totally random day. Let me elaborate on this.
     So remember when I said that I was willing to give anyone who asked me out at least one date. One shot to see if there is a spark, a connection, something I think I can work with? Well, I gave this man one date, and I was prepared to only give him the one, considering that he lives almost 2 hours from me. Distance is a hard thing to navigate when trying to spark any kind of relationship. It puts stress on it, causes doubts, and if the relationship isn't particularly stable to begin with, can cause it to crumble rather quickly. Well here I am, 3 dates later and I find myself liking this guy. So, in total ME fashion, of course I am still guarded and keeping him at arms length. In all fairness he was warned, repeatedly. I am not an easy sell, especially to someone that lives so far away, and has other issues that I will not divulge at this juncture. So far I don't think he has any ill meaning motives, no hidden mother issues, nothing that screams serial killer or total fucking nutcase. I'm absolutely taking my time with this, considering the factors I am dealing with. My trust level is pretty low, almost a zero, but that is something that must be earned over time through actions and observations. Not something I am willing to just hand over with some random texts and whispered promises.

     I have found myself wondering lately if I am being particularly stubborn because I can, or if it's something bigger than that. I have a totally dark and twisted way of thinking a lot of the time, and I found myself wondering if someone can run out of happy. What if you are given all the happy, love, and smiles for a lifetime when you are born, and I am running out? Perhaps I do have more, but they are reserved for other occasions and events in my life. When my children get married, when I become a grandparent, you know, things like that. What if, when it comes to relationships, I have put so much into the wrong people, I am just out of it to give for the next person, whether they are the right one or not? Fuck.... Told you it was dark and twisted in there. You see, I have become so content with being alone, that I have reached a point where I don't know how to switch it back on for another person. I have a hell of a time sleeping with someone lying next to me. I don't feel comfortable sharing my space with another person. I worry that they will mess up my routine, however chaotic it is. Then I also find myself thinking, maybe this is what I need to get past my bullshit. Maybe allowing someone in will let me put some effort into life again. Make me stop feeling so content to do nothing, pick myself up and get back out into the world and find what I want.

     I have discovered that I do miss some things that happen at the beginning of a relationship. The things that happen BEFORE the relationship. Learning things about a new person. Figuring out if you are compatible, if you can blend lives and if there is a spark. It also opens you up to meeting people in their inner circle and finding new faces and new experiences through each new person you meet. I have made some pretty good friends in the wake of dating. Met people that I wouldn't have been introduced to otherwise. If for nothing other than that experience, I don't mind dating. I am certainly glad that I got rid of the online dating fuckery. That was just getting plain ridiculous. I have never had to be such a bitch in my entire life than I had to be over the few months of online dating. These men seriously can't handle being told no. They also have no manners when they get behind that fucking keyboard. I have never been hit on in such a slimy, disgusting, degrading way, in my entire life! And I grew up with loggers, truckers and rednecks!

     So I will keep you all informed of what happens over the next few weeks. I am not going to get my hopes up. I'm not even sure what I'm hoping for at this moment. I know that I am happy, just the same as I was a few weeks ago prior to going on that first date with him. I am going to keep living my life as I was before, and if he wants to become a part of it, he will have to make his place. I am really tired of making a place for a new man in my life, only to have him back out unexpectedly and taking a piece of me with him. That will not happen again, not on my watch. I am very guarded, I have my heart under lock and key, in a castle, with a moat, and a fire breathing dragon. It's going to take some serious cannon fire to get me to open up. If you are the type to root for the underdog, you should probably send some good vibes his way. He's going to need all the ammunition he can get.

Until next time.

Further insight to my life

     Hey guys, so I have been asked quite a few times now, how I can write a blog like this knowing that one day my kids will read it. How they might feel knowing things about me that I post in here. Well, I'd like you all to read on. I would love to give you some insights on how I am raising my kids to be open minded humans, ready for all this world has to throw at them. 

     So first off, I want you all to understand that I am completely aware that I don't owe an explanation to anyone. However, for the sake of clarity, and to address some apparent "concerns" I am going to give you all a little peek into my relationship with my kids. My kids know first and foremost that I love them, hands down, no question, unwavering, unconditional LOVE. This, to me, seems like a completely obvious statement. I mean, what kind of parent can't figure out how to love their kid no matter what... well, lots of them it turns out. Mothers going off their fucking rockers and driving their kids into lakes and shit. Parents disowning their children for coming out as gay or bisexual. Dead beat parents, that just drop their kids with random people because they can't be bothered with the responsibility of parenting, because their drug of choice is just too fucking tempting. I could go on and on about these piles of human excrement, but it's pissing me off.  Don't worry though, I am not one of those heartless bastards. All 3 of my kids know that they can come to me with anything, for any reason, and I will not cast them aside or make them feel unwanted or unloved. I want them to know, as their mother, I am their safe haven. 

     "What about my foul language?" Yeah? And? What's your fucking point exactly? Language is language. We have a variety of words to use for all sorts of things, yet I still prefer "Fuck no" over "No". Do I allow them to use curse words around me or in my home? FUCK NO, and you know why? Because they are not adults. When they are adults, and can be treated as such, then you bet your ass that my kids can sit there with me and use fuck like a comma when they are old enough to get a job, pay their bills and take care of themselves, like I have taught them to. Then they can cuss freely. They are all well aware of this rule. However, I know that they are throwing around cuss words with their friends, because I did it too. I have even told them that I know. My rules for outside the home, work much the same way. If I ever hear of them using them towards an adult, using them to intimidate or bully another child, or using them at school, they will be punished. Not only will they have to hand write a heartfelt note of apology, they will get to do all the chores for everyone in the house for the entire week they are with me. Depending on the infraction, this may go on for an extended period of time. My kids know I mean business. If you are close to me, you can ask them yourself, otherwise, you will just have to take my word on that. 

     As for the concern over my openness about my dating history, and small glimpses into my sex life. This is not intended for anyone under 18. Think of me as an R rated movie. If the time comes and they want to read it, a certain amount of warning will be given about the content, and if they wish to proceed, I will be ready with cute cat videos and other forms of internet "eye bleach". This blog isn't for prude, delicate, or uptight people. I'm not raising my kids to be any of those things. I am encouraging them to live life to the fullest, to live for themselves, to look at life with a sense of humor, and to enjoy every day as best they can. Open minded, free spirits, independent, take care of your damned self, and use your brain to come up with your own conclusions people. THOSE are the type of people I am raising. I believe that if anyone can take away anything from my blog, it's not just the candid nature of my stories. It's the story of how I have become all those things for myself. It's an ongoing story of empowerment and strength, and I am not ashamed of it at all.   

     In my mind, I feel, that as long as I teach my kids respect, kindness, and how to be open minded. It's all they need to be functioning members of society. My personal life is just that, personal. They know that I date, but they don't need to know anything else. They know I have a filthy mouth, and they understand the ramifications for saying things that are inappropriate for their age. My children are smart, strong and caring individuals. I receive compliments from other parents on how well behaved they are during sleep overs and play dates. So for those that wonder about my parenting skills, just because I write a profanity laden blog about my life, know that my kids are just fine and none of your concern. I am incredibly close with my daughter, I am still learning how to foster a close relationship with my sons. My kids are happy, healthy and well loved by a mother who says "fuck" a lot.  I often times find myself being hilariously shocked by the things my kids can say or do. They have amazing senses of humor. They are my pride and joy, I know that is the same old cliche that all parents say, but its true. When I get to share and laugh, and have fun with my kids, nothing in this world makes me happier.

     So I hope that this entry was insightful, and to any folks out there with concerns, please stop concerning yourselves with my life and kids. Pay attention to your own lives, maybe if more people out there started finding their own path instead of being so worried about the paths that others are following, the world would be filled with more free thinkers and problem solvers. I write to express myself, and to hopefully reach people that may need a little help finding their inner strength. I have been told by many, that I am an inspiration. This is both humbling and gratifying for me. I have worked very hard to get to a place where I am comfortable being me. For all those who have reached out to me and thanked me for being an inspiration, I want to offer my sincerest gratitude. If not for those people, I wouldn't have found the courage to keep going. Just knowing that I was helping someone out there overcome their own obstacles, helped me to overcome my own. 

So thank you, from the bottom of my heart. 
Until next time friends.

        

Ramblings

     Hello everyone, I'm just sort of rambling today, I don't have anything specific to talk about. Ever have one of those phases in life when it seems like things are just sort of in a weird kind of limbo? I mean, I have had a lot happen in the last month or so. I bought a new car, I got a raise and a sort of promotion... That is a bit complicated to explain, so I won't. I don't really know how to explain this place in my life. It's like a strange place where things are trying to come together, but just haven't yet.

     Well anyway, so I have been trying to get back into eating healthy and working out. Let me tell you, 34 isn't the new 24. I don't give a fuck what anyone tells me. Damn, my body is wanting me to get into shape, but my joints are like "Whoa Bitch! We need some TLC." For me, the biggest issue is my hips, let me tell you, after 3 kids and the fact that I am "double jointed" (yeah I know it's not a real thing, hence the quotes, fuck face.) It has taken a toll on my hip joints and they need a few days of recovery between workouts. Another project I have been working on is helping people discover essential oils again. It baffles me that people are so afraid to learn how they can help you in your everyday life. As I'm sitting here typing, I'm running myself an Epsom salt bath with lemon grass oil for muscle aches and a touch of lavender for my frigging sanity. I will rub my sore hips down with a muscle cream called Deep Blue, and I will be able to walk tomorrow without maxing my dose of ibuprofen. I might start a separate blog for that if the time comes where I have educated myself enough. Right now I'm still learning and experimenting with my own blends and remedies.

     So, other than that, my life has been rather boring lately. I haven't really been on many dates. I recently had some friends that I thought were good, turn out to be quite toxic. I found a couple new friends and reacquainted with some old friends that I had lost contact with. I can happily say that for month 2 of 2016, it's been good so far. I have not regretted anything I've said or done. I only learn, and move forward. Life is too damned short to dwell on things that you can't change. Apologize for your wrong doings, learn from your mistakes and just try to do better tomorrow.

Until next time friends

Sad Products for Singles

     So I have noticed, as I'm sure most of you have, that there seems to be a whole host of products aimed at the singles crowd. We have all sorts of things that are totally useful, single serve coffee systems, single serve dinners have been around for a long time, and of course the ever growing list of single websites and apps so you can meet other single people! Yesterday while I was shopping at Walmart, I had to stop and do a double take at a new product I saw on the shelf. Single serve cakes, not like what you see in the bakery already made and iced, no, these are little cake mixes that come with a container of frosting and a 6 inch disposable pan to cook them in.... I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I imagine that sales meeting for Betty Crocker had to go a little something like this... "Cake mix sales are on a steady decline, what can we do to boost revenue!?" Suddenly all eyes turn to Mary, the divorcee who just adopted 3 cats this year. Then someone pipes up... "What about single serve mixes?" Everyone looks at the CEO, he smiles... "Perfect! And we will include a disposable cake pan so they can toss it in the trash when they have finished crying into it."

Yeah, yeah yeah, I have an active imagination.... get off me.

     Well after this trip down imagination lane, I decided to google other products that are geared specifically for single people. Fuck... It's depressing out there folks. Since I love you all, I have found the 4 items that I found most depressing. Here you go, enjoy my laughter and tears.

     The "Boyfriend" body pillow. I know most of you have seen this thing posted on facebook, twitter and instagram. It is a pillow that has half a man shaped torso and an arm. It's the epitome of being forever alone. Not only have you just totally given up at the point in which you purchase this item, but anyone who does come over to your place will see it and agree with you. I imagine they would show themselves out at that point. This thing is sold on Amazon and I shit you not, the description says, "replace your boyfriend's arm with a pillow in shining armor!" Fuck me... Really!? Get the fuck out right now.  OH! and for you single men reading my blog, they also have the "Girlfriend" body pillow, complete with perky little booby cushions. You're welcome...

     Next up I found a cook book! Not just any old cook book, oh no, apparently we single people must take our sad lifestyle a step further and give up using a stove all together! MICROWAVE Cooking for ONE
Fuck... fuck... FUCK NO! Shit, are you kidding me!? For fucks sake people do not ever buy this! I didn't find the link for purchase, thank the heavens, I wouldn't allow any of my friends to buy this. If you have this in your kitchen call me, seriously, call me so I can come over and beat you within an inch of your life with that useless piece of shit and I can teach you how to cook a fucking decent meal. This thing is sad in so many ways. If you know anyone that has this just do them a favor and set it on fire and roast a hot dog. I promise it will taste better than anything you have made out of that cook book.

     Now I could use this next product for when I have finished writing today's blog. A pillow that dispenses tissue. For those lonely nights when you are crying yourself to sleep! For the days when you are sick and have no one to take care of you! Hooray! I found many links to describe this product, yet I didn't actually find a link to purchase it. I suppose that if I had looked a little harder I would have found the link, but I was too depressed to want to actually find this damned pillow. I might have bought it.

     This last one I found, I may actually use it. It's a body lotion wand. This thing looks like one of those back scratchers, you know what I'm talking about. Instead of scratching, it has little bumps on it that will rub lotion into your back. So now you can get lotion on your back when no one wants to touch you! Yay! FOREVER ALONE! No need for a person to spend time with! Just buy all this shit and adopt 20 cats. You might be lucky enough to have kids like me. Single parents aren't really alone. That's what all the well meaning old ladies at work tell me! I keep the vulgar thoughts to myself and just say "yeah.... that's true...."

     So if you guys find some products for single people let me know! I want to check these things out. If I find more I may write another blog about the new wave of depressing shit made for single folks.
Until next time friends! Try not to buy any of this shit, seriously, I'll have to hunt you down and beat you to death.

Reflections, Goals and My Potty Mouth

    
     Well hello friends! I just celebrated another trip around the sun last Sunday. What a hell of a year it was. I had thought for a very long time that being 33 would kill me. It's a long story about a weird superstition for me personally. Anyway... I had a fantastic weekend with friends and my kids. Saturday night started out great, then it ended in a 5 star shit show, but overall, not the worst night out I've ever had! I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad one, ha ha, I will have to stick a pin in that and get back to you. So I am 34 now and looking forward to a fun year! I have already signed up for a bubble run in August, I will be playing mud volleyball, as usual, in April, I plan on walking Bloomsday again this year in May, and I will be signing up for the Dirty Dash in July! WHEW! Fun year! I plan on continuing to make new friends and new connections in the real world. No more online dating nightmares for me, not this year. I will continue to keep you all in the loop with my never ending disastrous love life, I am glad I have a sense of humor about it. Fuck, if I didn't laugh about it, I would surely be locked up in the looney bin, getting the good drugs through an IV right about now. So this year is all about fun and putting myself out in the real world.

     It's really crazy for me to think that it has been nearly 4 years since my life took a drastic change. It's not one I had ever planned on, and certainly didn't want for myself. Yet, I have also realized that in these years, I have learned so much about myself, and what I want out of life. I stopped living for someone else and started living for ME. I have goals this year, I hope that I can meet them. I have had the same goals for the last 3 years and I am more determined than ever to make at least one of them happen! My house... It is absolutely, without question, number one on my list of things to do before I turn 35. I had hoped that I could go back to school this year, and depending on my job situation and my living situation, that may still happen. I oddly enough, do not have a goal for a relationship this year. I feel that if one happens, then great, if not, then great. I have things to do and a life to live, I am only looking to be a better person this year than I was last year. I'm not going to stop saying fuck though, I might actually die if I can't say fuck, or any derivative of the word fuck. I can still be a good person who says fuck a lot.

     So as I sit here wondering what the next chapter of my life is going to look like, I am also pondering random things, as I tend to do. If you know me well, you know I spout off on random thoughts all the time. They roll around in my head until they decide to pop out of my mouth. Tonight I am wondering why I don't get hit on by men my own age. The ones that say something to me are all much older than I am, and not by a few years, I'm talking 15 to 20 years older. These men are old enough to be my father, and they are sleazy. They aren't like the dapper, handsome, older men that you read about in novels or see on TV. No, they are gross, and smelly, and spend their afternoons sitting in the bar soaking their liver in Bourbon. I have no idea what they think they will accomplish in asking me out, I am not a bar fly, I'm not a methed out tramp, and I think that I present myself well, not like the easy sluts you would see going home with men like this. So my only thought is that perhaps they are too drunk to care, or they think that if they ask out enough women like me, eventually they will win the lottery and take home a decent woman. Which, in due time, they will slowly break down and destroy, because that is all they know how to do. Men like this have one setting, self destruct. The downfall of that setting in humans, is that typically anyone who tries to get close to them is damaged by it. So, not only am I NOT interested, I am running, not walking, the opposite direction from that nightmare. That is not something I need in my life. I already have my own shit show, thanks. Why don't you try online dating Pops, there are Plenty Of Fish in the sea.

     Well I believe I am out of random thoughts for this evening. Until next time my friends.



        

Relationship views for the New Year

     Well, Happy New Year! I hope that I am finding everyone happy, healthy and full of promise for the next 366 days! Yes, 366, its a leap year, and you can keep reading after you have finished laughing... I'll wait.
Ha, full of promise, lets be real here. The only thing I am full of going into the new year is curiosity, and maybe some other things, but lets stick with curiosity for now. I have been MIA for the last few months, I apologize for that. I had to take some time to cultivate some relationships, break down a couple others, and find that place in my heart that is capable of loving another. I got rid of the dating sites, and allowed some friends to make a few connections for me. Now here is where things get interesting. When you allow a friend to talk you into meeting someone, it gives you the opportunity to see who said friend sees you with. It also gives a peek into how they view you as a person. Typically when someone seeks out to set up one friend with another, they tend to lean towards someone they think you will have things in common with. So when they set you up with a man who is an adrenaline junky, for instance, they might view you as the same. I'll be the first one to tell you, friends can miss the mark....

     So with that being said, I will dive into the things I had the opportunity to learn, and the things that I know I will come to expect from any romantic relationship I may find myself in. First and foremost, loyalty. Loyalty to me and only me, meaning that you will have my back and I will have yours. Clearly, this is a 2 way street between the two of you. I expect any man that I am with to have my back when things are good, bad or indifferent. If I have done something wrong, help me fix it. If I have made an epic mistake to rule all mistakes, love me through it and help me make amends to the person or persons I may have hurt. Right or wrong, we all need someone in our lives that are able to forgive us for being what we are, broken people just trying to live our lives the best way we know how. Sometimes we fuck up, majorly fuck up, and we end up hurting people whether we intended to or not. Please be able to forgive the person you love. If you can't do this, then you have no business being in a relationship with this person. Forgiveness is a necessary ingredient for any sustainable relationship. Be caring and kind to the person you want to stay in your life. We all have bad days, weeks, hell... even years! Learn to channel that bad into something else, and don't let it poison your relationship. If it's becoming an issue, then you need to talk about it in a civil manner. Be an adult about things, no sense in childishly fighting and screaming at one another. How can you expect to accomplish anything by yelling at another person? Communication is so incredibly important. When you communicate with each other about the things that are bothering you, and you communicate in such a way that you can both listen and hear the other person, you will have something unbreakable. Last, but absolutely not least, do not dwell on the past! Don't dredge up old news, and wave it around like a whip, just waiting to lash it at the person you are supposed to care about the most. Why would you wish to cause them the emotional pain of bringing something up that was put behind them for a reason? Keep moving forward, keep making new memories and make them good. Know that there is hard stuff still ahead. You will need to become such a strong team that when that hard stuff sucker punches you, you can work through it and come out the other side better for making it through.

     The 2 men that I had the opportunity of getting to know through mutual friends, have each taught me some of those things. Not because they necessarily showed that they were capable of doing them, but because they were things that needed work by all parties involved, myself included. Some of those things I listed are lessons I learned from the dissolution of my marriage, and from my break up with the two year heartache that was my ex boyfriend. Overall, they seem to be the things I see in couples that can stand the test of time. I also forgot to mention that you have to have the ability to laugh at and with one another, and yourselves. Laughter is so important for any human connection. Without humor, we would have a dull, boring, colorless society. Not something I wish to live in.

     So as I continue my move into the new year, I will keep on this road I have been following. I am going to stay away from the dating sites for now. They seem to just drag in useless trouble, and men that I have no desire to ever meet outside of those painful first dates. I will keep making new connections with friends and co-workers. I hope that one of these days I will stumble upon the man that will deserve all that I have to offer. Until that day comes, I will try to keep writing, keep making memories with my kids, and continue making goals for myself. The only person I need to keep impressing is myself, and I think that I am pretty amazing.

Until next time my friends.


    

Food, Laughter and Love... So much Love

    
     I have been very busy lately, to say the very least. School has started up again, that means sports, scouts and lots and lots of meetings and homework! I know my fellow parents can feel my frustration with the homework. Fuck, talk about a shit show! I know my house is a trial of tears every single night! I have been trying to multi-task and prepare dinner while helping with the homework. I have made some wonderful meals over the last few weeks and I wanted to share a few of my faves! More importantly, these are favorite meals of my spawn as well.

     Rosemary & Garlic chicken with roasted rainbow potatoes with rainbow carrots. No pic for this, but just listen... er.. read about it.  So get yourself some chicken, I don't care, what ever part you like to eat. Season it up on both sides with garlic powder, crushed rosemary, black pepper, and a dash of sea salt. Preheat your oven to about 375. Put the mother cluckers into a glass baking pan with olive oil or coconut oil. Toss those in the oven for about 30 mins and then check on them. I use the poke method to check for done-ness. My more anal retentive friends may wish to use a meat thermometer. Chicken is cooked to food safe at 165F. You can toss those potatoes and carrots in some Herbs De Province, black pepper, sea salt, garlic powder and I tossed in some onion for flavor. Toss those in the oven next to the chicken. Yep, all at the same time. Dinner orgy happening in the oven. They should all be finished close to the same time. Give the taters and carrots an extra 10 minutes if you want them softer.

     Taco Tuesday! Ground beef, turkey or pork. Brown that in the frying pan with ground cumin (a teaspoon or so), Chili powder (about the same), crushed red pepper flakes if you like HOT!, garlic powder, onion powder, black pepper, & sea salt. When its cooked, add one 8oz can of tomato sauce. Re-up on all those seasonings from before. Go by taste, and take it easy on the salt until you know... trust me on that. Not going to waste my breath on the rest of the taco fixings. You know what you like on it, buy that.

     Meh, I said a few and there are 2. I will try to get you guys something else soon. I have so many dishes that I can whip up, I will try to share more with you. I have been loving life recently, so the food I cook has become more secondary to just enjoying the people around me! I have met a few new friends recently and had the pleasure of going to the Spokane Interstate Fair with them. I have to say that I have not had that much fun at a fair since I was a kid! It's truly amazing what surrounding yourself with good people can do for the soul. I have laughed more, smiled more and been enjoying myself more. Finding people that don't think that your quirks are weird, they just get excited with you over the bizarre! Those are the kind of people you need in your life.

     My kids have been making me smile and laugh these last few weeks. They are growing into beautiful people. Each one of them has their own interesting personality. My amazing daughter is turning into the kind of person I have always known her to be. She is kind, thoughtful and so very strange! My heart fills when I see her growing into such an amazing young lady. Both my son's have been pushing my patience! As boys seem to do. They are turning into little gentlemen, however. I have gotten reports from teachers that they have been respectful and kind to the teachers and other students. Nothing makes you feel more proud than to have a stranger tell you that your child has been so highly thought of.

     As we are wrapping up another calendar year, and beginning another school year. I have been looking forward to the fun that will continue and to the new adventures that I will encounter. If you all have noticed... I have not mentioned online dating in this post! That's because I have turned off the fuckery for now. I have put a hold on the shit show. After 2 solid weeks of some seriously creepy men hitting on me, I have sworn off the dating sites for the time being. It took me about 10 showers to get the last few messages washed off me. *shudders* One or more of those dudes knows how to put a woman in the trunk of their car, I'm certain of it.

So go out! do something awesome and ABOVE ALL ELSE! Have fun!
Keep it Classy as fuck my friends!
Until next time.

Passive Aggressive Dating

     Ok, buckle up for the rant. I can no longer contain the irritation caused over a passive aggressive asshat! First off, let me say that I have been chatting with this guy for over a month now. He lives in another city and it has been difficult between our schedules to actually make time to meet. He might even have a link to my blog, come to think of it, so, if he's reading, I hope he takes some pointers for the next woman he speaks to.

     I work full time, HE works full time and then some. I have kids, he doesn't. So in addition to the conflicting work arrangements, I have the added complication of having time with my kids that WILL NEVER BE COMPROMISED! Fuck you if you think that I am willing to sacrifice the time I get with them. This basically leaves me open to go on dates 2 weeks a month. Then you have to factor in the time I spend with my friends. So that takes my 14 days and cuts it to about 10. Then factor in my early morning work schedule, so I really don't like to be out past 9pm on a work night. So that turns into only 5 hours per night of the work week that I am potentially free to meet someone. Then of course Friday night and all day Saturday. Sunday is my day to relax and prep for my children to arrive home. I think that I'm down to 6 days in a month at this point. Never once did I let on that dating me would be easy. I tell every man that chooses to have any contact with me that I am busy, and I truly mean that I am BUSY.

     Secondly, I will not put up with someone who makes me feel guilty in anyway for being a working mother. I work hard and I raise my kids. If you can't deal with that, see your way out. I will not tolerate your passive aggressive texts. Fuck you, fuck off, you fucking fuck. Telling me that you're going to just give up on trying to meet me... fine, then don't meet me. I apologized for it being difficult. Then telling me that it is not for your lack of trying.... Oh, then it must be that I am not. OK then, Captain Dillhole. I'm done.

     When will these guys learn that you can't tell someone how "understanding" you are, then turn around and be an ass? That might be the way it works in the bars, or how it works with those thirsty hoes just looking for a dick to ride. I am not any of these bitches. I am perfectly content waiting for someone who truly understands my life and is willing to hang around and see how amazing I am. I think that I am worth the wait. The right man will agree with me. I treat my man good, no, better than good.... amazingly. I will go to the ends of the earth to make them feel welcome in my arms. I will settle for nothing less than the same treatment. So the next time that you feel the need to get hacked off at someone for not dropping everything in their life to meet you right now.... take a moment and try to understand how difficult it might actually be for them to rearrange their life for a few dates. People work, have kids, plans that were made long before you came stumbling into the picture. Don't force something to happen, it will happen in due time. Until that time comes, make your own plans, do your own thing and for the love of Fuck, don't plant your happiness in someone else's  garden!


Until next time my friends.

The "Friend Zone"

    

     Ok, I know that very many of you have heard this term. Shit, many of you think that you have put someone in the Friend Zone, or you think that you are in it. Well I'm here to tell you.... IT'S NOT A REAL THING! Fuck, come on. All these people whining about being stuck in the Friend Zone. Boo Hoo, so-and-so put me in the Friend Zone. Bitch please, no they didn't! You put yourself there. You decided to be their friend after they rejected you. Or what really happened, is that you didn't have the balls to even tell them that you wanted to date them to begin with! So instead of growing a pair and asking them out, you cry bitch baby tears over being put in this mythical place.

     You have no reason to be crying and whining over it. How about you suck it up and go to the person that you'd like to try things with, and fucking tell them! All it takes is about 10 seconds of courage to spit out the words you want to say. The worst thing that can happen is that they will tell you they aren't interested. In the grand scheme of things is that really the most horrible thing that they can do to you? Hell No! They could be that crazy bitch that tossed your shit in the front yard and set it on fire! If you really believe that they are your friend to begin with, they wouldn't hurt you like that. A friend would feel badly if they had to let you down, so they would do it kindly. Instead, you're out there in the bar, or online, dating the craziest bitches and then calling that person who "Friend Zoned" you and bitching to them that you can't find anyone decent to date!

     I am here to tell you that it's not the worst thing in the world to put yourself out there. I have done it a few times. Is it hard? Yes, absolutely. You know what is harder though? Never knowing if they feel the same way. I have gotten the chance to go on a date with someone who was a friend. It's not that bad. You can get a feel for the romantic side of them and see if you are compatible. Worst case scenario is that the date is SO BAD, that you loose that friend forever. Best case scenario is that you end up with an amazing person to date, that already knows how fucked up you are and totally loves you for it. Take that chance. If they end up not in your life afterward, it's because they really weren't supposed to be there. True friends will stick around.

     So good luck out there! I hope you will go out on the limb, and tell a friend that you have been thinking about them in a different light for a long time, and that you would like to see if something could come of it. 

Until next time my friends!