Thursday, August 25, 2016

Soul Searching

     Hello again, I haven't written an entry in quite some time. I have had a whole host of things happening in my life this summer. One of those things is that I broke down and created an online dating profile again... Spare me the ridiculed looks, I am going to break it down for you in my logic. Leigh-Ann logic is best, didn't you know that? Come on, I'm awesome, follow me here.
So I work in housekeeping again, so that means I will be primarily working alone. So meeting someone while I am working, is a very small window of opportunity. Unless sparks fly over a random maintenance man or pest control guy, my dating pool is pretty much non-existent. Friends and family were failing at setting me up, in fact, many have been deciding that I should just remain single. I know y'all are reading this, so thanks for that. I know I don't "need" a man in my life, I have pretty well covered that in my other entries. I would still like to find someone I can share my life with. Being single has it's perks, but it also comes with a lot of loneliness, which is something that I am not a big fan of. So in light of realizing I had pretty much no chances of sparking something in my everyday life, I decided to give this one more shot....

     Meeting men online isn't very difficult, I had barely pressed the button to send my profile into the sea of single men, when I had multiple messages waiting. I was quite blunt in my profile. I flat out stated that I would not be responding to any messages that were one word, or not thought provoking. (Which has lead me to deleting about 100 messages so far, and I have only been on this thing for about 6 weeks.) So after careful selection of a few well written messages, I sparked some conversations. After about 2 weeks I had them weeded down to 2, and then after about another week, I had 1, so we met for a date.
It went very well, we had many things in common, and we had the ability to speak easily face to face.
This can be very difficult sometimes. I call it the "Face to Face Phenomenon". It's when 2 people can chat online for hours on end, but when they meet face to face, crickets... nothing... nada... words are just fucking lost.
So there was easy conversation, date was pleasant, and we liked each other. Great! On to date number 2. Again, conversations were easy, not forced. Things went well and continued to go great, between dates as well. Dates 3 and 4 ticked by. Only one thing was majorly apparent to me. He felt things for me so deeply, and I was left feeling nothing more than a friendship. I cared for him, just not in the same capacity. This is where my empathetic side aches. I know that I am going to have to stop dating him. Which is killing me, because he has been nearly all the things I have been searching for in a man, except that I can't seem to find a spark. Fuck. My empath side is heartbroken, she knows that this is going to hurt his feelings, therefore, mine too. I hate hurting someone who doesn't deserve it.

     This is the typical point in my blog where I talk about how I handed him his ass for being a douche nozzle, and rode off into the sunset on my mother fucking unicorn being the amazingly awesome woman I am... Only that isn't this story, this story is harder than that.
He is literally one of the sweetest, most caring men I have ever met, and my heart isn't in it. I know how it feels to be in a one sided relationship, it damn near kills you. I know that I absolutely cannot do that to this man, he deserves more.
So the hard conversation is had, I am in tears knowing that I have caused him to be hurt. Let me tell you, dating when you are an empathetic person is hard sometimes. When someone deserves to be emotionally curb stomped for the way they treat another person, I am first in line to do so, but when someone isn't deserving of said emotional turmoil... I ache with them.

     So after hours of tears and apologies, we say goodnight and agree that we have come into each other's lives for a reason. I have to say, after the men I have been dealt, I honestly believe he was brought in to show me that what I seek, does exist out there. My expectations for what a man should be, have been validated. I know that I will not settle for anything less than what he gave me, and I will not settle for less than that spark. The feelings that you get when you meet someone who is good for you... That is the feeling I am seeking with all the other qualities of a good man. I want a relationship that I can count on, one that has both of us treating the other as we wish to be treated. I want a man who wants to put me first, and I want to put him first. Yes, my children will always be #1, but there is a way to keep all the people important to you as a high priority. That is all I want. Someone who cares enough for me, and my kids, to want me to feel loved and well cared for. I want to do the same for the man in my life. I want to be his Queen and him my King. I want to struggle together, be happy together and to stand side by side battling for our love in the cruel world. Loving someone shouldn't be hard, but it can be work sometimes. People change, and feelings change, and I truly think that the person worth loving can understand that and adapt over time.

You all can think I am crazy, or setting the bar too high, but I think that I am right in my expectations. After having my eyes opened to what could be... I will NEVER settle for less. I shouldn't have to. If that means that I will live my life alone, then so be it. I will know that I was right to expect greatness. Knowing that someone is there for you when you are at your lowest points, and cheering you on at your highest. That is the kind of love we should all expect.

Until next time...