Thursday, July 27, 2017

Don't Ever Lower Your Standards

     Hello all, it has been a hell of a long time, huh!? Well I have been insanely busy with work, and of course as the kids get older, they become more social, but they still can't drive themselves around, so it's Momma's Free Uber service for the time being. Soon that will change however, as Adrienne is quickly approaching driving age! YIIKES! How did I get this old!? Shit... someone rewind the clock a few years, I am not sure if I am quite ready for that. She is a great kid, intelligent and witty, but I can't help but wonder what kind of teenage bullshit she is going to pull with me. So for now all I can do is offer her my advice and wisdom and hope that she keeps her standards high. I have wavered on mine from time to time, Lord knows I need help pulling my head out sometimes. So my hope for her is that she learns from my mistakes, makes a few minor ones on her own, and walks out into the world with her head tightly fastened to her shoulders. 

     Having high standards in life is very important, it gives you a self guide on the things you wish to achieve in life, the things you wish to better, and how you present yourself to the world. I have no idea how many times in my life I have been told that my standards are too high. Whether that is with a career choice, my love life, or just my day to day living. You see, I don't have a college degree, so applying for jobs that I know I possess the skills for, yet lack the piece of paper with some fancy letters on it, I get told to "set my sights lower". Fuck you, just because I don't have a BA in Office Management, doesn't mean I can't answer phones and make appointments Mr. Can't-Tie-His-Own-Tie. 
Same goes for my love life... I see an attractive man and lose all courage to speak to him because all those voices telling me he is "out of my league" are stitching my mouth shut. I know what I have to offer, and I know I am not the best looking woman out there. Does that really mean that I can't have my cake and eat it too? 

     I have had a checklist of sorts for the things I wish to find in a man. Since my divorce I have dated many that haven't quite fit the bill. Some were way off the mark, others were close, but missed a few important ones. I have been holding tight to that list though, determined to find this man who fit me, who made me smile from the inside out, and who took the time to show me every single day how much he cares for me and my kids. In my mind, this man is kind, loving, and considerate. He can sing, or at least carry a tune here and there. He is attractive and has done well for himself in life, not "rich", just comfortable. This man would put me at the top of his priorities list, and also have a spot in his heart for my children. He would embrace my weirdness and love me for me, not who he thinks I might become. In his eyes my flaws are just facets to my shining personality, his heart beats for me and only me. Now I know that there are some weirdly specific things on that list, and I don't really care what you think about that! It's my bizarre list and I am sticking to it! And it's a damned good thing that I did! Because I have met that man! 

     WHAT! No way! She must have finally snapped and thinks she has met this insanely specific man.... I know that's what you're thinking. Don't call the nice young men with the long white coats to take me just yet! He exists! I am so happy, and not in the "floating on cloud nine" kind of feeling. It's more like, I am finally grounded, feet firmly planted and for the first time in a long time I have a vision of what my future looks like. Yes I know how that sounds, and no, I am not crazy... well, maybe just a little... but I am still me after all. I am cautiously optimistic, and excited for what this may bring. 

     I see changes in my life ahead, and those changes will affect many areas. Housing, job, love, children, all these things will need to be re-evaluated and adjusted. You see that is the tricky part with dating and having kids. So many things have to come together perfectly. It's not easy, and I truly believe it can be done. It will take time and patience on all parts, and when it all comes together, I hope with all my heart that I will have my happily ever after. My life has been nothing but chaos these last 5 years. I have had moments where the chaos has controlled me, and where I have somewhat controlled it... nonetheless, it has still been a mess. If anyone deserves a happily ever after, it's me. So I am going to take it.

Until Next Time Friends

Sunday, April 9, 2017

Life is a Trip

     I just came back from a week of vacation. Now I know that most people will say, "So what!" Well, shut up, I'm going to tell you what. I just came back from a week of vacation that I am very proud of. It was a milestone for me, because for the first time in the history of me, I not only afforded a trip all on my own, I took my family with me. It was magical.

     This year will mark five years since my life dramatically changed, in fact, this year would have been 16 years of marriage. It's strange for me to even think about how much my life has changed in this short amount of time. My married life feels like a lifetime ago, yet I still catch myself fiddling for a wedding band that's not there, yearning for a spouse that is living in another place, and wondering what might have been. Then I snap myself back into reality and I can't help but feel satisfied with where I am today. I look at how much I have accomplished on my own, at the goals I have set for myself and reached. Those goals I set for myself that I am so very close to getting, and the satisfaction of knowing that I not only did it on my own, but that I had the courage to seek help when I needed. We all get lost along the way and need a hand, it's those that are too proud to admit that, that struggle. I accepted help when it was offered, I offered help to others when I could, and I know the meaning of hard work. Those things have gotten me to here, to this place of peace, this place of accomplishment, this place where I can save up for and follow through with a vacation for my family. So, I get to be proud of myself, and I am, so your opinion doesn't much matter.

     As I begin to take a foothold into this new life I have been dealt, I have found some bits of myself that I never knew were there. I have found an inner strength that has pulled me from the flames more than once, hell, it's pulled me out more times than I might care to admit. Knowing it's there, gives me hope for the future, confidence in myself that I can endure all that life has to throw my way. I am trying to teach my kids the value in that, the courage it takes to just say to yourself, "I am strong, and I can get through this." I cannot sit idle and watch my life pass me by. I will make my own path, I will find my own way, and I will not look back on a life of "What could have been". To have that kind of strength is only something that you can find when you have no other choice, when falling apart is the only way you can come together.

     So I am making it on my own, I am pushing forward and I hope that as my life grows into something beautiful, I will too. I want to make a difference in my life, for myself and my kids. Perhaps someday, for others too. I have big dreams, and big goals, I will keep working for them and keep inspiring myself to do the things that scare me, the things that make you want to step back are usually the things that make life worth living. So my advice to you is live fearlessly, do the things that make you feel alive, and take the trip.

Until Next Time...

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Post Break-up Revelations

     Hey guys, it's been a while since I have written anything down. Seems that I have been on a bit of an adventure in dating these last 4 months.... And well, I think that by now you may have guessed, that adventure has ended. Many of you didn't even know I was seeing someone exclusively, and for good reason. You see, there is this phenomenon that happens when people know their single friend is seeing someone. First they ask the million questions about how you met and why you like them and blah, blah, shut up for fucks sake, blah... Then comes the highly inappropriate questions... When are you getting married!? Do you want kids with them!? (if you want the answer to that last one read my previous blog entries.) I don't know why this happens, but I can tell you, as a person with other single friends I also find myself asking these questions. Well, not the inappropriate ones, but I do tend to grill my other single friends when they find someone new. Part of me believes that this is because we want to get an impression of said person before they are formally introduced, and we need to know if they will fit into our close knit group. The other part of me knows it's pure morbid curiosity. So yeah... that is the biggest reason I never really told many people that I was seeing anyone seriously.

     So back to it, my adventure with this man ended last night. It was hard, I hate that conversation, and I especially hate when you know it's coming and don't want it to end. When something like this sneaks up on you and hits you by surprise, it's devastating, but when you know that it's coming for at least 24 hours ahead of time... It's like being strapped to the front of a train that is barreling towards a blown up bridge... 20 miles out... being pelted with gravel... I suppose that feeling would be impending doom. It's the worst. The thing about this break up, it was both of those things wrapped into one.  
Not only did I know this conversation needed to be had a full day before it did, I had been completely happy with this man only 2 days before this. Talk about a punch in the gut...

     I really need to touch on the revelation that I got from this relationship's end. Don't hold onto your past so hard that you allow it to affect your future relationships. I know that your past shapes you into the person that you are, and to some extent will have some effect on how you care for the next person you fall for. However, you cannot expect to move forward with your life and find true happiness, if you keep the mindset that you have always had. There are reasons why people grow and change over time, it is so we can learn from our mistakes and not make them over and over again. They say that the definition of insanity, is doing the same thing over and over again, while expecting different results. I have done an awful lot of soul searching over the last two years, and I can honestly say that keeping the same baggage from past relationships is very difficult to unpack. With each person that comes and goes, you gain another little bit of self doubt, trust issues and perhaps even another insecurity or two depending on how they treated you. Those things should be tended to as they come up, and your new potential partner should be made aware of what they may be walking into. In my experience, talking about ex's is ok as long as it's not beaten to death. So that means that before you start trying to date seriously, you need to make sure that you are over your last ex.
     You will begin to notice that the baggage you carry will shift and change as you move forward. Some of the things I have held onto from my ex husband have lessened quite a bit. Now don't get me wrong, I will still be aware of red flags and I keep my guard up before allowing someone to get too close to me. But trying to drag the issues I found with men in my past, into a new relationship with a completely different person... that is crazy.
     In the same way that you love your friends for their very different personalities, you will find the same thing in the men you date. At least I have. I know that I have a type, well, I have noticed a pattern to the men I have found myself attracted to. It still doesn't mean that they are all similar in personality. So when dating, one of the biggest mistakes you can make, is expecting that your new person will react to things in the same way your ex, or ex's, did. I am absolutely learning this myself as I go on, and trying to interpret some people is much harder than others. I suppose my point here is that you should always give someone a chance if you feel like there is potential there. Just because you had an ex react badly to something, doesn't mean that the next person will.

     I don't want any of you to change who you are as a person, if that is what you took away from this, then you are mistaken. I want everyone to find happiness, love, and I want you to find all that in yourselves. Never expect someone to bring that into your life. Those are things that you will need to come already prepared with. You will find that when you show up to your next life step, all whole and happy... it will make the next adventure that much sweeter.

Until Next Time My Friends.