Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Guarded, Locked and Loaded

     Hey guys, what's happening in your lives? Same shit different day? Great, me too. Only it's slightly different shit, and a totally random day. Let me elaborate on this.
     So remember when I said that I was willing to give anyone who asked me out at least one date. One shot to see if there is a spark, a connection, something I think I can work with? Well, I gave this man one date, and I was prepared to only give him the one, considering that he lives almost 2 hours from me. Distance is a hard thing to navigate when trying to spark any kind of relationship. It puts stress on it, causes doubts, and if the relationship isn't particularly stable to begin with, can cause it to crumble rather quickly. Well here I am, 3 dates later and I find myself liking this guy. So, in total ME fashion, of course I am still guarded and keeping him at arms length. In all fairness he was warned, repeatedly. I am not an easy sell, especially to someone that lives so far away, and has other issues that I will not divulge at this juncture. So far I don't think he has any ill meaning motives, no hidden mother issues, nothing that screams serial killer or total fucking nutcase. I'm absolutely taking my time with this, considering the factors I am dealing with. My trust level is pretty low, almost a zero, but that is something that must be earned over time through actions and observations. Not something I am willing to just hand over with some random texts and whispered promises.

     I have found myself wondering lately if I am being particularly stubborn because I can, or if it's something bigger than that. I have a totally dark and twisted way of thinking a lot of the time, and I found myself wondering if someone can run out of happy. What if you are given all the happy, love, and smiles for a lifetime when you are born, and I am running out? Perhaps I do have more, but they are reserved for other occasions and events in my life. When my children get married, when I become a grandparent, you know, things like that. What if, when it comes to relationships, I have put so much into the wrong people, I am just out of it to give for the next person, whether they are the right one or not? Fuck.... Told you it was dark and twisted in there. You see, I have become so content with being alone, that I have reached a point where I don't know how to switch it back on for another person. I have a hell of a time sleeping with someone lying next to me. I don't feel comfortable sharing my space with another person. I worry that they will mess up my routine, however chaotic it is. Then I also find myself thinking, maybe this is what I need to get past my bullshit. Maybe allowing someone in will let me put some effort into life again. Make me stop feeling so content to do nothing, pick myself up and get back out into the world and find what I want.

     I have discovered that I do miss some things that happen at the beginning of a relationship. The things that happen BEFORE the relationship. Learning things about a new person. Figuring out if you are compatible, if you can blend lives and if there is a spark. It also opens you up to meeting people in their inner circle and finding new faces and new experiences through each new person you meet. I have made some pretty good friends in the wake of dating. Met people that I wouldn't have been introduced to otherwise. If for nothing other than that experience, I don't mind dating. I am certainly glad that I got rid of the online dating fuckery. That was just getting plain ridiculous. I have never had to be such a bitch in my entire life than I had to be over the few months of online dating. These men seriously can't handle being told no. They also have no manners when they get behind that fucking keyboard. I have never been hit on in such a slimy, disgusting, degrading way, in my entire life! And I grew up with loggers, truckers and rednecks!

     So I will keep you all informed of what happens over the next few weeks. I am not going to get my hopes up. I'm not even sure what I'm hoping for at this moment. I know that I am happy, just the same as I was a few weeks ago prior to going on that first date with him. I am going to keep living my life as I was before, and if he wants to become a part of it, he will have to make his place. I am really tired of making a place for a new man in my life, only to have him back out unexpectedly and taking a piece of me with him. That will not happen again, not on my watch. I am very guarded, I have my heart under lock and key, in a castle, with a moat, and a fire breathing dragon. It's going to take some serious cannon fire to get me to open up. If you are the type to root for the underdog, you should probably send some good vibes his way. He's going to need all the ammunition he can get.

Until next time.