Sunday, December 3, 2017

Real Life Love

     Hey guys, it's been a hell of a long time. I seem to have fallen off the blogging wagon. Well, maybe less fall and more leap... you see I have finally met someone that I feel comfortable enough talking about. That is, comfortable enough to tell the world, aka like 15 of you who actually ready this, that I am completely in love with this man, and I am scared to death. Read on.... 

       Most of you are fully aware of the dating nightmares I have endured. Some pitiful, disgusting, and downright awful humans, have met me at coffee shops, beaches, toy stores (that one was particularly bad), and restaurants. I have been laughed at, ignored, told to lose weight, gain weight, and been made to feel like a nuisance. Until now... Here is the story about how I met my current man. If you follow me on Facebook you already know his name, but for privacy's sake, this is a public blog after all, I will call him "Dean". 

     Yes, I met Dean online, we hit things off on that fucking horrible cesspool called POF. Many of you know that dating site, and it's not the greatest, but it's also not the worst. Dean adhered to my first, and frankly most important rule, DON'T leave me a one word or poorly written message. He took the time to read through my entire profile, and he left me a thought out, albeit lengthy, message about karaoke and how much he would love to meet up with me and sing together sometime. Now I love to sing, I have my favorite karaoke bar, and I absolutely love to watch a man make a fool of himself. I might be a little evil, but I digress. So Dean and I start chatting about karaoke and bars and how much fun we will have. I felt like I could trust him pretty quickly, which is VERY unlike me, and we exchanged phone numbers on day 1! Wow, I know, I'm fucking insane. 

     Things are going well, we had made a plan to go out and sing on a weekend I didn't have my kids. Then schedules started conflicting, my work load got to be tough to juggle with any sort of social life. Pretty soon it was 2 weeks later and we still hadn't met! Yet we were texting every single day, strangely enough, as much as we wanted to hear the other's voice, we decided to leave that bit a mystery. Dean was very attractive, very well spoken, and he seemed very kind. I was beginning to worry that he would be snapped up off the market very quickly. So I finally found an opening in my schedule to meet on a Tuesday night, late. It was after 9 pm in this little town, on a warm, yet still chilled night late in June. Most businesses hadn't gotten their swing of summer tourists yet, so things were very quiet, and very few places still had their doors open. I didn't want to get lost in the crowd of a bar, and it was much too late for dinner. So we settled on taking a little walk on a trail near Sand Creek, and found a bench to sit on and talk. 

     Dean was just as attractive in person as he was online, he spoke with a smooth baritone in his voice, not over powering like most men. He was shy and confident at the same time, he had a way about him that was charming and casual, yet slightly off hand and naive to some of the ways of this new dating lifestyle. I quickly learned that Dean had not been on the scene nearly as long as I had. The hairs on the back of my neck tingled, I worried that this would be an issue. The longer we talked the more I was feeling like this would be the last time I saw him. As much as I liked him, I worried that my experiences might be too much for him to handle.  I learned that he had been on other dates, which wasn't a surprise to me at all, I mean... LOOK AT HIM! He's the whole package! He admitted that I, however, had been the woman he most looked forward to meeting. That did surprise me. Why me? My looks are average, my personality is fucking awesome, but I am certainly not without my flaws. I just couldn't see how everything I had been searching for in a man was standing right here in front of me, yet felt so far out of reach. 

     Dean and I talked for hours, it was nearly 1 am by the time he headed for home. I hugged him and drove the 5 mins back to my place... then my phone rang. It was Dean. I was shaking, I figured this was it, this was him calling me to tell me that he had fun, but that he didn't want to see me again. There was something about him that struck me as the kind of guy to at least give a woman that information over the phone, and not a lousy text. So I answered that call, and much to my surprise, he was asking me life advice. DATING advice.... FUCK. He was telling me more about these other two women than I cared to know. But I did the only thing I knew how to do, dish out the good, friendly advise that I am pretty well known for. I figured if I can't have this guy as my boyfriend, he seemed cool enough to hang out with from time to time. And who knows, maybe this friendship could lead me to connect with more people and broaden my dating pool. So we talked on the phone for 2 more hours. By the time I hung up I thought I might still have a shot! He wasn't telling me to get bent, he was telling me how awesome I was! Maybe he is just as bonkers as I am. Shit... maybe he is just as bonkers as I am. 

     So the next morning he texts me, wanting me to know he is looking forward to when we can meet again. Knowing my schedule is a total crap shoot, I let him know that I have to figure that out, and let him know as soon as I do when that can be. I have already worked it out in my head that if I want to have a chance here, it needs to be soon! Dean is a total catch!  So I tell him that if he wants to see me again before my kids come home, that is has to be later in the week. So we decide on dinner that coming Friday, this time I would drive to his town, which is about 45 mins from my place. It was a bit of an aggressive move on my part, but I truly felt the risk was worth it. He seemed a bit taken aback by the haste, but he rolled with it. 

     So we met for dinner at one of his favorite places. Talked for another hour or more, ate dinner and decided on heading back to his temporary home, an RV, for a night cap and a movie. As much as we had hit it off the first night, it was all over the second date. He was just as much me as I am. It's totally weird to see myself as a man, but I have to say, I'm happy with the result. We are different enough that I knew it would be interesting, but similar enough that I knew we would be on the same wavelength for many things. 

    Like I typically do, in total "me" fashion, I tried to wall myself off to him. I kept him close enough to get to know me, but kept him far enough away to keep most of my heart intact if he decided that I wasn't worth the trouble. About another week later he officially asked me to be his girlfriend, and about 2 weeks after that we both deleted our online profiles. 

     This last six months has been a roller coaster ride for me. I was at a very low, lonely spot in my life when I met him. He has been so kind and caring, helping me through my anxieties about being in a relationship. Showing me that compassion still exists in this world. Dean is calm, steady, and unwavering. All the things that I lack walking into this. He sees how broken I am, how broken I was. He has helped me pull down those walls I took so long to build. He is a man of integrity, and I for one am completely beside myself that he chose me. Most of you know what a damned mess I can be, how abrasive I can get, and just how fucking great I have gotten at pushing people away. Dean sees it too, and he calls me out on it. He doesn't let me get away with it, he has a way with communicating with me, working through it so I can get to the heart of what is really concerning me. He gives me space when I am getting annoyed, and he pours in just as much love as I do. We speak the same language when it comes to that. We finally found something in each other that we had been missing so much in our lives. 

     So this is me, shedding my single girl attitude. Embracing the new adventure I have embarked on, and wishing and hoping that the best is yet to come. 

.... Until next time my friends   


Thursday, July 27, 2017

Don't Ever Lower Your Standards

     Hello all, it has been a hell of a long time, huh!? Well I have been insanely busy with work, and of course as the kids get older, they become more social, but they still can't drive themselves around, so it's Momma's Free Uber service for the time being. Soon that will change however, as Adrienne is quickly approaching driving age! YIIKES! How did I get this old!? Shit... someone rewind the clock a few years, I am not sure if I am quite ready for that. She is a great kid, intelligent and witty, but I can't help but wonder what kind of teenage bullshit she is going to pull with me. So for now all I can do is offer her my advice and wisdom and hope that she keeps her standards high. I have wavered on mine from time to time, Lord knows I need help pulling my head out sometimes. So my hope for her is that she learns from my mistakes, makes a few minor ones on her own, and walks out into the world with her head tightly fastened to her shoulders. 

     Having high standards in life is very important, it gives you a self guide on the things you wish to achieve in life, the things you wish to better, and how you present yourself to the world. I have no idea how many times in my life I have been told that my standards are too high. Whether that is with a career choice, my love life, or just my day to day living. You see, I don't have a college degree, so applying for jobs that I know I possess the skills for, yet lack the piece of paper with some fancy letters on it, I get told to "set my sights lower". Fuck you, just because I don't have a BA in Office Management, doesn't mean I can't answer phones and make appointments Mr. Can't-Tie-His-Own-Tie. 
Same goes for my love life... I see an attractive man and lose all courage to speak to him because all those voices telling me he is "out of my league" are stitching my mouth shut. I know what I have to offer, and I know I am not the best looking woman out there. Does that really mean that I can't have my cake and eat it too? 

     I have had a checklist of sorts for the things I wish to find in a man. Since my divorce I have dated many that haven't quite fit the bill. Some were way off the mark, others were close, but missed a few important ones. I have been holding tight to that list though, determined to find this man who fit me, who made me smile from the inside out, and who took the time to show me every single day how much he cares for me and my kids. In my mind, this man is kind, loving, and considerate. He can sing, or at least carry a tune here and there. He is attractive and has done well for himself in life, not "rich", just comfortable. This man would put me at the top of his priorities list, and also have a spot in his heart for my children. He would embrace my weirdness and love me for me, not who he thinks I might become. In his eyes my flaws are just facets to my shining personality, his heart beats for me and only me. Now I know that there are some weirdly specific things on that list, and I don't really care what you think about that! It's my bizarre list and I am sticking to it! And it's a damned good thing that I did! Because I have met that man! 

     WHAT! No way! She must have finally snapped and thinks she has met this insanely specific man.... I know that's what you're thinking. Don't call the nice young men with the long white coats to take me just yet! He exists! I am so happy, and not in the "floating on cloud nine" kind of feeling. It's more like, I am finally grounded, feet firmly planted and for the first time in a long time I have a vision of what my future looks like. Yes I know how that sounds, and no, I am not crazy... well, maybe just a little... but I am still me after all. I am cautiously optimistic, and excited for what this may bring. 

     I see changes in my life ahead, and those changes will affect many areas. Housing, job, love, children, all these things will need to be re-evaluated and adjusted. You see that is the tricky part with dating and having kids. So many things have to come together perfectly. It's not easy, and I truly believe it can be done. It will take time and patience on all parts, and when it all comes together, I hope with all my heart that I will have my happily ever after. My life has been nothing but chaos these last 5 years. I have had moments where the chaos has controlled me, and where I have somewhat controlled it... nonetheless, it has still been a mess. If anyone deserves a happily ever after, it's me. So I am going to take it.

Until Next Time Friends

Sunday, April 9, 2017

Life is a Trip

     I just came back from a week of vacation. Now I know that most people will say, "So what!" Well, shut up, I'm going to tell you what. I just came back from a week of vacation that I am very proud of. It was a milestone for me, because for the first time in the history of me, I not only afforded a trip all on my own, I took my family with me. It was magical.

     This year will mark five years since my life dramatically changed, in fact, this year would have been 16 years of marriage. It's strange for me to even think about how much my life has changed in this short amount of time. My married life feels like a lifetime ago, yet I still catch myself fiddling for a wedding band that's not there, yearning for a spouse that is living in another place, and wondering what might have been. Then I snap myself back into reality and I can't help but feel satisfied with where I am today. I look at how much I have accomplished on my own, at the goals I have set for myself and reached. Those goals I set for myself that I am so very close to getting, and the satisfaction of knowing that I not only did it on my own, but that I had the courage to seek help when I needed. We all get lost along the way and need a hand, it's those that are too proud to admit that, that struggle. I accepted help when it was offered, I offered help to others when I could, and I know the meaning of hard work. Those things have gotten me to here, to this place of peace, this place of accomplishment, this place where I can save up for and follow through with a vacation for my family. So, I get to be proud of myself, and I am, so your opinion doesn't much matter.

     As I begin to take a foothold into this new life I have been dealt, I have found some bits of myself that I never knew were there. I have found an inner strength that has pulled me from the flames more than once, hell, it's pulled me out more times than I might care to admit. Knowing it's there, gives me hope for the future, confidence in myself that I can endure all that life has to throw my way. I am trying to teach my kids the value in that, the courage it takes to just say to yourself, "I am strong, and I can get through this." I cannot sit idle and watch my life pass me by. I will make my own path, I will find my own way, and I will not look back on a life of "What could have been". To have that kind of strength is only something that you can find when you have no other choice, when falling apart is the only way you can come together.

     So I am making it on my own, I am pushing forward and I hope that as my life grows into something beautiful, I will too. I want to make a difference in my life, for myself and my kids. Perhaps someday, for others too. I have big dreams, and big goals, I will keep working for them and keep inspiring myself to do the things that scare me, the things that make you want to step back are usually the things that make life worth living. So my advice to you is live fearlessly, do the things that make you feel alive, and take the trip.

Until Next Time...

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Post Break-up Revelations

     Hey guys, it's been a while since I have written anything down. Seems that I have been on a bit of an adventure in dating these last 4 months.... And well, I think that by now you may have guessed, that adventure has ended. Many of you didn't even know I was seeing someone exclusively, and for good reason. You see, there is this phenomenon that happens when people know their single friend is seeing someone. First they ask the million questions about how you met and why you like them and blah, blah, shut up for fucks sake, blah... Then comes the highly inappropriate questions... When are you getting married!? Do you want kids with them!? (if you want the answer to that last one read my previous blog entries.) I don't know why this happens, but I can tell you, as a person with other single friends I also find myself asking these questions. Well, not the inappropriate ones, but I do tend to grill my other single friends when they find someone new. Part of me believes that this is because we want to get an impression of said person before they are formally introduced, and we need to know if they will fit into our close knit group. The other part of me knows it's pure morbid curiosity. So yeah... that is the biggest reason I never really told many people that I was seeing anyone seriously.

     So back to it, my adventure with this man ended last night. It was hard, I hate that conversation, and I especially hate when you know it's coming and don't want it to end. When something like this sneaks up on you and hits you by surprise, it's devastating, but when you know that it's coming for at least 24 hours ahead of time... It's like being strapped to the front of a train that is barreling towards a blown up bridge... 20 miles out... being pelted with gravel... I suppose that feeling would be impending doom. It's the worst. The thing about this break up, it was both of those things wrapped into one.  
Not only did I know this conversation needed to be had a full day before it did, I had been completely happy with this man only 2 days before this. Talk about a punch in the gut...

     I really need to touch on the revelation that I got from this relationship's end. Don't hold onto your past so hard that you allow it to affect your future relationships. I know that your past shapes you into the person that you are, and to some extent will have some effect on how you care for the next person you fall for. However, you cannot expect to move forward with your life and find true happiness, if you keep the mindset that you have always had. There are reasons why people grow and change over time, it is so we can learn from our mistakes and not make them over and over again. They say that the definition of insanity, is doing the same thing over and over again, while expecting different results. I have done an awful lot of soul searching over the last two years, and I can honestly say that keeping the same baggage from past relationships is very difficult to unpack. With each person that comes and goes, you gain another little bit of self doubt, trust issues and perhaps even another insecurity or two depending on how they treated you. Those things should be tended to as they come up, and your new potential partner should be made aware of what they may be walking into. In my experience, talking about ex's is ok as long as it's not beaten to death. So that means that before you start trying to date seriously, you need to make sure that you are over your last ex.
     You will begin to notice that the baggage you carry will shift and change as you move forward. Some of the things I have held onto from my ex husband have lessened quite a bit. Now don't get me wrong, I will still be aware of red flags and I keep my guard up before allowing someone to get too close to me. But trying to drag the issues I found with men in my past, into a new relationship with a completely different person... that is crazy.
     In the same way that you love your friends for their very different personalities, you will find the same thing in the men you date. At least I have. I know that I have a type, well, I have noticed a pattern to the men I have found myself attracted to. It still doesn't mean that they are all similar in personality. So when dating, one of the biggest mistakes you can make, is expecting that your new person will react to things in the same way your ex, or ex's, did. I am absolutely learning this myself as I go on, and trying to interpret some people is much harder than others. I suppose my point here is that you should always give someone a chance if you feel like there is potential there. Just because you had an ex react badly to something, doesn't mean that the next person will.

     I don't want any of you to change who you are as a person, if that is what you took away from this, then you are mistaken. I want everyone to find happiness, love, and I want you to find all that in yourselves. Never expect someone to bring that into your life. Those are things that you will need to come already prepared with. You will find that when you show up to your next life step, all whole and happy... it will make the next adventure that much sweeter.

Until Next Time My Friends.    

Monday, November 14, 2016

Online Dating Profiles

     Hey guys, can we just talk for a minute about online dating profiles? In theory the concept seems pretty fucking simple. You take about 15 to 20 minutes to write down a few interests and describe yourself. Upload a few flattering images of yourself to highlight your best features, and then send it off into the abyss of the internet.... WRONG! Here's how it really goes. First you browse through your hundreds of selfies, trying to find the perfect one to be the main image, the first impression. Fuck me, that is a lot harder than it should be! I mean come on, I'm not a terrible looking woman, so why is it, that I can look at an image of myself and rip it to shreds in about 3 seconds!? Dammit, I ended up going off my facebook likes and comments. That's right, an impromptu popularity contest. I scrolled through my profile pics and chose the best 3 or 4 that my friends and family liked the most. Phew... that only took.... 2 hours!? Are you shitting me!? Fuck... ok, now I need to fill the rest of this godforsaken thing out. Height, body type, religion, kids, job.... fuck is this a dating site or an FBI interrogation? Alright, now I just need to type in some hobbies... What do I do in my spare time? I'm drawing a blank... crap... ummmm... should I put on here that I blog randomly and binge watch Netflix until I pass out every night? No, dammit, I need to sound fun. Ok, basics, camping, hiking, fishing, ok that is a few things. Now I have to write a damned paragraph about myself!? You know what, fuck it, I have been doing this shit way too long. I am not going to be nice anymore. I'll spare you all the details, but this thing is about 3 paragraphs long. Bet that not one of these fools reads a damned word.

     OK, so I have spent... wait... is that right? 4 mother fucking hours on this shit!? Why did I waste so much time? I could have been doing something more productive, like finding out who dies this week on Supernatural. Those guys are always dying. Crap, focus, you're supposed to go browse through men's profiles now. Here we go, click, click, is that a fucking dolphin? Where the hell did he read that posing with a dolphin would help pick up chicks? Moron, click, click, whoah, that is the biggest unibrow I have ever seen.... Ok, moving on. I have probably clicked through dozens of profiles and I have to wonder, where did these guys get so many dogs? Is there a site somewhere that is telling these guys to pose with a dog to get dates? Oh... there is? Well, that explains a lot. Why are these morons posting group pics? Hey! Douche nozzle! I don't want to play the guessing game, you all look like you fucked an entire sorority house. Wanna know how I can tell? The fohawk and the beer bong totally gives you away. Also posing with 3 or 4 random guys, and making me figure out which one of you is in all the pictures, is a real fast way to make me click the fucking X. Congratulations, you win the dip shit award.
     Can we pause a moment to talk about the guys posting pics of themselves from 5 or 10 years ago? Here is a news flash for you, if I like what I see, then I see how you look now and it's not even a little bit the same... I am not going to keep talking to you. Especially if you from 5 years ago looks good, and you now looks like the stay puff marshmallow man fucked Shrek and gave birth to your ass. I'm not typically one to get hung up on looks, but seriously, there has to be some kind of attraction there or this is going nowhere fast. Also, don't expect me to drive 2 hours to where you live for a first date. We meet in the middle, that is only fair. Hell you don't even have to pay for my lunch sweetheart, just don't be a dick.

     That brings me to another irritating thing I have noticed on these profiles. You get to select what kind of relationship you are searching for, you know, let people know how serious you are about all this. If you don't know what the fuck you want, then just select the "Just dating, noting serious" box. Do not go advertising that you want a relationship, or that you are putting serious effort into finding someone when you have no idea what you want. Especially if you have just broken up with someone. I'm not in here to be your rebound girl. Also, the casual dating/no commitment group. Give me a break, go to Tinder, that selection may as well read, "I'm emotionally constipated, but your vagina sounds neat!" Get the fuck out of my inbox with your hook up bullshit. Most of these guys are muscle built meat heads, they have no interest in carrying on a conversation, they just want to roll in the sack and peace out.

     Then we have the inspirational quote guys, shoot me now... These guys post one picture of themselves, and it's with terrible back lighting and you can't make out their face. Then the rest of the pics on their profile are lovey-dovey romance quotes. Give me a break, you are a level 10 clinger and you more than likely look like a gremlin that ate after midnight. Don't get me wrong, a little romance is great, but 5 romantic love quotes and then sending me a message that is straight out of some Victorian romance novel!? Overkill man, overkill. Dial it down about 20 notches, you are approaching "it puts the lotion on its skin" creepy. Also, don't fucking tell me that it looks like I smell nice. That kind of shit makes a woman want to send your profile information into crime stoppers. We are pretty sure you have your last girlfriend locked in your basement.

     Still clicking through these guys, I swear most of them need lessons on selfies. Holding your phone on your beer gut and then looking down at it does not help there Hoss. You look like the cattle you herd. Car selfies, so many car selfies. Ok, I get it, you can drive, awesome. Can you cook a meal? Can you hold down a job? Is that really your grandma's car? On a scale of 1 to 10, how insane are you? With women that last one is easy to determine, the more make up she wears, the crazier she is. Men are a mystery, he's cute, but is he going to make our waiter cry because he is a total dick? Yes, yes he is.

     Remind me why I keep doing this? Life long partner found online? I know it happens, I know people that this has worked for. I may be a different story, perhaps I am supposed to keep doing this shit so I can have writing material. I will keep on keeping on for you guys, my friends, my family. You all can take joy in reading about my disasters.
Until next time my friends.

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Shower Fantasies

     Hey guys, I just have one question, why in the hell do we deep think/fantasize/feel emotional in the shower? Is it because we are naked, and therefore feel more open to the part of our mind that allows those thoughts and feelings to come through? Well you all know me, I googled that shit. Turns out that is close to what happens. When we do something that is relaxing, calming, or creative, our brains release dopamine. That release allows our sub conscious mind to come into consciousness, allowing our brains to become more creative, and also allows us to problem solve. Interesting.... fuck you, I found it interesting.

     Well during my shower this evening I was playing my vocal jazz station on Pandora, and dancing in the shower, naturally.... and I just kept thinking, one day I will find a man who is going to slip in quietly, and watch me do my weird little dance in the shower, and he will smile and fall more in love with me. In that raw nature, the dance like no one is watching, sing like no one is listening, kind of uninhibited person that we all hide from the outside world, he will find beauty and grace.  OK, probably not so much grace, as I probably have the rhythm of a blind bongo player with one arm and a hook for a hand... nevertheless, he will be happy to call me his. In all my quirky glory, one day it will happen, well, at least in my shower induced, dopamine laden fantasy... it happens.

       I have also come up with possibilities for all my financial troubles... most solutions aren't exactly legal, but hey, this is my shower fantasy! If I want to open up a Rent-a-slut I can! There are no laws in my fantasies. I also have a hit-for-hire service, we primarily work with those that have been cheated on... so I'm a little jaded, show me anyone over the age of 30 who isn't and I will show you a fucking liar! That also reminds me, I once laughed at myself for a solid 5 mins after having a vision of liars pants actually catching on fire.

     So after all this thinking and fantasizing, a small part of me wonders if I have already met this man and told him to fuck off... or perhaps he was really creeping me out by staring at me from the dark corner of some smokey bar. Shit... I guess I am left with the fantasy. I'm not complaining though, because this man is tall, dark and handsome. He cooks for me, draws me a hot bath, and is amazing in bed. Until he manifests into reality, and doesn't irritate me with his grammar, I will hold onto my fantasy man.

Until next time friends!

Thursday, August 25, 2016

Soul Searching

     Hello again, I haven't written an entry in quite some time. I have had a whole host of things happening in my life this summer. One of those things is that I broke down and created an online dating profile again... Spare me the ridiculed looks, I am going to break it down for you in my logic. Leigh-Ann logic is best, didn't you know that? Come on, I'm awesome, follow me here.
So I work in housekeeping again, so that means I will be primarily working alone. So meeting someone while I am working, is a very small window of opportunity. Unless sparks fly over a random maintenance man or pest control guy, my dating pool is pretty much non-existent. Friends and family were failing at setting me up, in fact, many have been deciding that I should just remain single. I know y'all are reading this, so thanks for that. I know I don't "need" a man in my life, I have pretty well covered that in my other entries. I would still like to find someone I can share my life with. Being single has it's perks, but it also comes with a lot of loneliness, which is something that I am not a big fan of. So in light of realizing I had pretty much no chances of sparking something in my everyday life, I decided to give this one more shot....

     Meeting men online isn't very difficult, I had barely pressed the button to send my profile into the sea of single men, when I had multiple messages waiting. I was quite blunt in my profile. I flat out stated that I would not be responding to any messages that were one word, or not thought provoking. (Which has lead me to deleting about 100 messages so far, and I have only been on this thing for about 6 weeks.) So after careful selection of a few well written messages, I sparked some conversations. After about 2 weeks I had them weeded down to 2, and then after about another week, I had 1, so we met for a date.
It went very well, we had many things in common, and we had the ability to speak easily face to face.
This can be very difficult sometimes. I call it the "Face to Face Phenomenon". It's when 2 people can chat online for hours on end, but when they meet face to face, crickets... nothing... nada... words are just fucking lost.
So there was easy conversation, date was pleasant, and we liked each other. Great! On to date number 2. Again, conversations were easy, not forced. Things went well and continued to go great, between dates as well. Dates 3 and 4 ticked by. Only one thing was majorly apparent to me. He felt things for me so deeply, and I was left feeling nothing more than a friendship. I cared for him, just not in the same capacity. This is where my empathetic side aches. I know that I am going to have to stop dating him. Which is killing me, because he has been nearly all the things I have been searching for in a man, except that I can't seem to find a spark. Fuck. My empath side is heartbroken, she knows that this is going to hurt his feelings, therefore, mine too. I hate hurting someone who doesn't deserve it.

     This is the typical point in my blog where I talk about how I handed him his ass for being a douche nozzle, and rode off into the sunset on my mother fucking unicorn being the amazingly awesome woman I am... Only that isn't this story, this story is harder than that.
He is literally one of the sweetest, most caring men I have ever met, and my heart isn't in it. I know how it feels to be in a one sided relationship, it damn near kills you. I know that I absolutely cannot do that to this man, he deserves more.
So the hard conversation is had, I am in tears knowing that I have caused him to be hurt. Let me tell you, dating when you are an empathetic person is hard sometimes. When someone deserves to be emotionally curb stomped for the way they treat another person, I am first in line to do so, but when someone isn't deserving of said emotional turmoil... I ache with them.

     So after hours of tears and apologies, we say goodnight and agree that we have come into each other's lives for a reason. I have to say, after the men I have been dealt, I honestly believe he was brought in to show me that what I seek, does exist out there. My expectations for what a man should be, have been validated. I know that I will not settle for anything less than what he gave me, and I will not settle for less than that spark. The feelings that you get when you meet someone who is good for you... That is the feeling I am seeking with all the other qualities of a good man. I want a relationship that I can count on, one that has both of us treating the other as we wish to be treated. I want a man who wants to put me first, and I want to put him first. Yes, my children will always be #1, but there is a way to keep all the people important to you as a high priority. That is all I want. Someone who cares enough for me, and my kids, to want me to feel loved and well cared for. I want to do the same for the man in my life. I want to be his Queen and him my King. I want to struggle together, be happy together and to stand side by side battling for our love in the cruel world. Loving someone shouldn't be hard, but it can be work sometimes. People change, and feelings change, and I truly think that the person worth loving can understand that and adapt over time.

You all can think I am crazy, or setting the bar too high, but I think that I am right in my expectations. After having my eyes opened to what could be... I will NEVER settle for less. I shouldn't have to. If that means that I will live my life alone, then so be it. I will know that I was right to expect greatness. Knowing that someone is there for you when you are at your lowest points, and cheering you on at your highest. That is the kind of love we should all expect.

Until next time...