Many of you know how my past relationships went, I met a man, he was sweet until he wasn't. Things always seemed fine at first, no major issues, until little red flags started popping up, and because I didn't want to believe I was getting myself into yet another shitty relationship, I ignored them or told myself that the issues weren't that bad. It was an endless cycle, bad relationship after another. Men who said they liked me, or loved me, then they cheated on me, dumped me for seemingly no reason, or my all time fave... GHOSTED the FUCK out of me. For those that don't know that dating term, it means they literally disappear. No texts, no calls, zilch! Like they vanish into thin air. The one thing that most of these men had in common was the fact that they really believe they are "Good" guys. They always had a crazy ex, they always seemed down on their luck and just looking for a decent woman in their life for once... I fell for it, over and over. Always second guessing myself, apologizing for everything, feeling like I was the one losing control when all along they were manipulating me. Gas lighting me at every emotional turn, again, if you don't know that term, look it up. Basically making me feel like I was crazy for having a perfectly normal reaction to whatever asshole thing they did, like cheating on me, or belittling me.
So why am I revisiting all this? Well, to make you understand why I have such a hard time accepting the fact that I have someone who is really, truly decent. He respects me, he loves me, accepts me and my kids, and he cares for me. Yet with all those wonderful qualities, I had the hardest time trusting that he was sincere. You see, it was so difficult to decipher if he was real or not. He treated me like all the others at first, hooking me reeling me in... I was waiting for the nightmare to start. Waiting for him to start chatting with other women, making me believe that they were just his friends. Expecting him to start having more and more "guys night out" all the while his "guys" are not with him. Finding out from one of my girl friends that he has been secretly sending her inappropriate messages asking her out for drinks.
I got deeper into this relationship and he wasn't doing any of this, I was shocked, I was leery, and I was really struggling to believe that this was all real. It felt too good to be true. How could a man this good, fall for me? He has treated me with such compassion, he has listened to me, and done his very best to understand why I apologize for everything. He reassures me when I start to worry about the stability of our relationship. He holds me when I can't stop crying because my anxiety is sky high over the thought of him leaving, only because I overthink every thing. I immediately think that the worst is about to happen, when in reality, nothing is happening. I am broken, flawed and sometimes just a fucking mess... and he loves me through it all.
I think that Toxic Relationship Syndrome should be a real thing, and I am a survivor. I have learned that trusting is something so hard, only because for other men that have been with me, it has been so easy for them to break that trust. My current relationship will be my last, if I have anything to say about it. He feels the same way. He was also in a pretty toxic relationship. One that was full of one sided love, and filled with resentment and lies. For him, being with someone completely honest is refreshing, it makes him want to be completely honest, and work through our differences. When before, both of us would shy away from discussing those differences because we feared the other person in that relationship would try and force us to change to their will. Having someone that embraces you as you are is so unheard of that we begin to wonder if it's even out there. It can be terrifying to let little bits of yourself out to someone, in fear that they will reject the person that you are. Letting someone in on those little quirks you have, and seeing them not only accept them, but to laugh and applaud you for them because they too have a similar quirk. It takes something very raw, very real, and very powerful to pull you out of "Toxic Relationship Syndrome". For me, it took over a year of loving and truly being loved in return. I am still learning, still growing and slowly letting go of my fears.
For any of my friends that have had toxic relationships, or are in one, or think they are in one and need help recognizing the signs. I am here for you. I will help you in any way I can. Even if that means giving you a place to stay for a while. Helping you with a way out, directing you to a counselor or just being a sounding board for you. I am here. I have been through it, and I will help you navigate your way out. I will help you find your feet, find your strength, and mostly just let you know that you are NOT alone. The biggest step is recognizing that the relationship is bad for you, and then accepting the help when it is offered.
Real love exists, it took me 5 years to wake up and find it, and I only wish I had found it many, many years ago. However, knowing what I know now... I wouldn't have my beautiful babies, and I also wouldn't have become such a strong person. One doesn't become strong until the world you know falls apart, and strength is the only thing you have left. Believe that you are worth loving, because everyone is.
Until Next Time My Friends.
