Monday, November 14, 2016

Online Dating Profiles

     Hey guys, can we just talk for a minute about online dating profiles? In theory the concept seems pretty fucking simple. You take about 15 to 20 minutes to write down a few interests and describe yourself. Upload a few flattering images of yourself to highlight your best features, and then send it off into the abyss of the internet.... WRONG! Here's how it really goes. First you browse through your hundreds of selfies, trying to find the perfect one to be the main image, the first impression. Fuck me, that is a lot harder than it should be! I mean come on, I'm not a terrible looking woman, so why is it, that I can look at an image of myself and rip it to shreds in about 3 seconds!? Dammit, I ended up going off my facebook likes and comments. That's right, an impromptu popularity contest. I scrolled through my profile pics and chose the best 3 or 4 that my friends and family liked the most. Phew... that only took.... 2 hours!? Are you shitting me!? Fuck... ok, now I need to fill the rest of this godforsaken thing out. Height, body type, religion, kids, job.... fuck is this a dating site or an FBI interrogation? Alright, now I just need to type in some hobbies... What do I do in my spare time? I'm drawing a blank... crap... ummmm... should I put on here that I blog randomly and binge watch Netflix until I pass out every night? No, dammit, I need to sound fun. Ok, basics, camping, hiking, fishing, ok that is a few things. Now I have to write a damned paragraph about myself!? You know what, fuck it, I have been doing this shit way too long. I am not going to be nice anymore. I'll spare you all the details, but this thing is about 3 paragraphs long. Bet that not one of these fools reads a damned word.

     OK, so I have spent... wait... is that right? 4 mother fucking hours on this shit!? Why did I waste so much time? I could have been doing something more productive, like finding out who dies this week on Supernatural. Those guys are always dying. Crap, focus, you're supposed to go browse through men's profiles now. Here we go, click, click, is that a fucking dolphin? Where the hell did he read that posing with a dolphin would help pick up chicks? Moron, click, click, whoah, that is the biggest unibrow I have ever seen.... Ok, moving on. I have probably clicked through dozens of profiles and I have to wonder, where did these guys get so many dogs? Is there a site somewhere that is telling these guys to pose with a dog to get dates? Oh... there is? Well, that explains a lot. Why are these morons posting group pics? Hey! Douche nozzle! I don't want to play the guessing game, you all look like you fucked an entire sorority house. Wanna know how I can tell? The fohawk and the beer bong totally gives you away. Also posing with 3 or 4 random guys, and making me figure out which one of you is in all the pictures, is a real fast way to make me click the fucking X. Congratulations, you win the dip shit award.
     Can we pause a moment to talk about the guys posting pics of themselves from 5 or 10 years ago? Here is a news flash for you, if I like what I see, then I see how you look now and it's not even a little bit the same... I am not going to keep talking to you. Especially if you from 5 years ago looks good, and you now looks like the stay puff marshmallow man fucked Shrek and gave birth to your ass. I'm not typically one to get hung up on looks, but seriously, there has to be some kind of attraction there or this is going nowhere fast. Also, don't expect me to drive 2 hours to where you live for a first date. We meet in the middle, that is only fair. Hell you don't even have to pay for my lunch sweetheart, just don't be a dick.

     That brings me to another irritating thing I have noticed on these profiles. You get to select what kind of relationship you are searching for, you know, let people know how serious you are about all this. If you don't know what the fuck you want, then just select the "Just dating, noting serious" box. Do not go advertising that you want a relationship, or that you are putting serious effort into finding someone when you have no idea what you want. Especially if you have just broken up with someone. I'm not in here to be your rebound girl. Also, the casual dating/no commitment group. Give me a break, go to Tinder, that selection may as well read, "I'm emotionally constipated, but your vagina sounds neat!" Get the fuck out of my inbox with your hook up bullshit. Most of these guys are muscle built meat heads, they have no interest in carrying on a conversation, they just want to roll in the sack and peace out.

     Then we have the inspirational quote guys, shoot me now... These guys post one picture of themselves, and it's with terrible back lighting and you can't make out their face. Then the rest of the pics on their profile are lovey-dovey romance quotes. Give me a break, you are a level 10 clinger and you more than likely look like a gremlin that ate after midnight. Don't get me wrong, a little romance is great, but 5 romantic love quotes and then sending me a message that is straight out of some Victorian romance novel!? Overkill man, overkill. Dial it down about 20 notches, you are approaching "it puts the lotion on its skin" creepy. Also, don't fucking tell me that it looks like I smell nice. That kind of shit makes a woman want to send your profile information into crime stoppers. We are pretty sure you have your last girlfriend locked in your basement.

     Still clicking through these guys, I swear most of them need lessons on selfies. Holding your phone on your beer gut and then looking down at it does not help there Hoss. You look like the cattle you herd. Car selfies, so many car selfies. Ok, I get it, you can drive, awesome. Can you cook a meal? Can you hold down a job? Is that really your grandma's car? On a scale of 1 to 10, how insane are you? With women that last one is easy to determine, the more make up she wears, the crazier she is. Men are a mystery, he's cute, but is he going to make our waiter cry because he is a total dick? Yes, yes he is.

     Remind me why I keep doing this? Life long partner found online? I know it happens, I know people that this has worked for. I may be a different story, perhaps I am supposed to keep doing this shit so I can have writing material. I will keep on keeping on for you guys, my friends, my family. You all can take joy in reading about my disasters.
Until next time my friends.

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Shower Fantasies

     Hey guys, I just have one question, why in the hell do we deep think/fantasize/feel emotional in the shower? Is it because we are naked, and therefore feel more open to the part of our mind that allows those thoughts and feelings to come through? Well you all know me, I googled that shit. Turns out that is close to what happens. When we do something that is relaxing, calming, or creative, our brains release dopamine. That release allows our sub conscious mind to come into consciousness, allowing our brains to become more creative, and also allows us to problem solve. Interesting.... fuck you, I found it interesting.

     Well during my shower this evening I was playing my vocal jazz station on Pandora, and dancing in the shower, naturally.... and I just kept thinking, one day I will find a man who is going to slip in quietly, and watch me do my weird little dance in the shower, and he will smile and fall more in love with me. In that raw nature, the dance like no one is watching, sing like no one is listening, kind of uninhibited person that we all hide from the outside world, he will find beauty and grace.  OK, probably not so much grace, as I probably have the rhythm of a blind bongo player with one arm and a hook for a hand... nevertheless, he will be happy to call me his. In all my quirky glory, one day it will happen, well, at least in my shower induced, dopamine laden fantasy... it happens.

       I have also come up with possibilities for all my financial troubles... most solutions aren't exactly legal, but hey, this is my shower fantasy! If I want to open up a Rent-a-slut I can! There are no laws in my fantasies. I also have a hit-for-hire service, we primarily work with those that have been cheated on... so I'm a little jaded, show me anyone over the age of 30 who isn't and I will show you a fucking liar! That also reminds me, I once laughed at myself for a solid 5 mins after having a vision of liars pants actually catching on fire.

     So after all this thinking and fantasizing, a small part of me wonders if I have already met this man and told him to fuck off... or perhaps he was really creeping me out by staring at me from the dark corner of some smokey bar. Shit... I guess I am left with the fantasy. I'm not complaining though, because this man is tall, dark and handsome. He cooks for me, draws me a hot bath, and is amazing in bed. Until he manifests into reality, and doesn't irritate me with his grammar, I will hold onto my fantasy man.

Until next time friends!

Thursday, August 25, 2016

Soul Searching

     Hello again, I haven't written an entry in quite some time. I have had a whole host of things happening in my life this summer. One of those things is that I broke down and created an online dating profile again... Spare me the ridiculed looks, I am going to break it down for you in my logic. Leigh-Ann logic is best, didn't you know that? Come on, I'm awesome, follow me here.
So I work in housekeeping again, so that means I will be primarily working alone. So meeting someone while I am working, is a very small window of opportunity. Unless sparks fly over a random maintenance man or pest control guy, my dating pool is pretty much non-existent. Friends and family were failing at setting me up, in fact, many have been deciding that I should just remain single. I know y'all are reading this, so thanks for that. I know I don't "need" a man in my life, I have pretty well covered that in my other entries. I would still like to find someone I can share my life with. Being single has it's perks, but it also comes with a lot of loneliness, which is something that I am not a big fan of. So in light of realizing I had pretty much no chances of sparking something in my everyday life, I decided to give this one more shot....

     Meeting men online isn't very difficult, I had barely pressed the button to send my profile into the sea of single men, when I had multiple messages waiting. I was quite blunt in my profile. I flat out stated that I would not be responding to any messages that were one word, or not thought provoking. (Which has lead me to deleting about 100 messages so far, and I have only been on this thing for about 6 weeks.) So after careful selection of a few well written messages, I sparked some conversations. After about 2 weeks I had them weeded down to 2, and then after about another week, I had 1, so we met for a date.
It went very well, we had many things in common, and we had the ability to speak easily face to face.
This can be very difficult sometimes. I call it the "Face to Face Phenomenon". It's when 2 people can chat online for hours on end, but when they meet face to face, crickets... nothing... nada... words are just fucking lost.
So there was easy conversation, date was pleasant, and we liked each other. Great! On to date number 2. Again, conversations were easy, not forced. Things went well and continued to go great, between dates as well. Dates 3 and 4 ticked by. Only one thing was majorly apparent to me. He felt things for me so deeply, and I was left feeling nothing more than a friendship. I cared for him, just not in the same capacity. This is where my empathetic side aches. I know that I am going to have to stop dating him. Which is killing me, because he has been nearly all the things I have been searching for in a man, except that I can't seem to find a spark. Fuck. My empath side is heartbroken, she knows that this is going to hurt his feelings, therefore, mine too. I hate hurting someone who doesn't deserve it.

     This is the typical point in my blog where I talk about how I handed him his ass for being a douche nozzle, and rode off into the sunset on my mother fucking unicorn being the amazingly awesome woman I am... Only that isn't this story, this story is harder than that.
He is literally one of the sweetest, most caring men I have ever met, and my heart isn't in it. I know how it feels to be in a one sided relationship, it damn near kills you. I know that I absolutely cannot do that to this man, he deserves more.
So the hard conversation is had, I am in tears knowing that I have caused him to be hurt. Let me tell you, dating when you are an empathetic person is hard sometimes. When someone deserves to be emotionally curb stomped for the way they treat another person, I am first in line to do so, but when someone isn't deserving of said emotional turmoil... I ache with them.

     So after hours of tears and apologies, we say goodnight and agree that we have come into each other's lives for a reason. I have to say, after the men I have been dealt, I honestly believe he was brought in to show me that what I seek, does exist out there. My expectations for what a man should be, have been validated. I know that I will not settle for anything less than what he gave me, and I will not settle for less than that spark. The feelings that you get when you meet someone who is good for you... That is the feeling I am seeking with all the other qualities of a good man. I want a relationship that I can count on, one that has both of us treating the other as we wish to be treated. I want a man who wants to put me first, and I want to put him first. Yes, my children will always be #1, but there is a way to keep all the people important to you as a high priority. That is all I want. Someone who cares enough for me, and my kids, to want me to feel loved and well cared for. I want to do the same for the man in my life. I want to be his Queen and him my King. I want to struggle together, be happy together and to stand side by side battling for our love in the cruel world. Loving someone shouldn't be hard, but it can be work sometimes. People change, and feelings change, and I truly think that the person worth loving can understand that and adapt over time.

You all can think I am crazy, or setting the bar too high, but I think that I am right in my expectations. After having my eyes opened to what could be... I will NEVER settle for less. I shouldn't have to. If that means that I will live my life alone, then so be it. I will know that I was right to expect greatness. Knowing that someone is there for you when you are at your lowest points, and cheering you on at your highest. That is the kind of love we should all expect.

Until next time...

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Be Fierce

     Hey guys, haven't felt the writing bug much lately. I have started a new job, I am back to housekeeping, cleaning vacation rentals. It is very hard work, but I am making more money and I am happier. I am not seeing the guy from Spokane anymore. That is a long story, one that I am not sure I wish to share at this point in time. He is very sweet and kind, but ultimately, just not the person for me. I felt bad that I had to break things off over the phone, but when you live 2 hours from me, I can't really drop everything and drive over there. I never recommend delivering bad news over the phone, if you can help it. In person is always better. I need to move on, and keep forward motion. I am not about to let the little things drag me down this year. I have a lot to live up to and I am excited to keep moving on with my life. Good things are coming my way, I can feel it in my heart.

     I have been actively working on many of my friendships, making sure that I keep my friends close to me. In this life we live, we need people that are fun to travel with! Who wants to walk the road of life with boring people? Sure as fuck isn't me! I love my little circle of people. We are pretty awesome, and I couldn't be happier. I have a few that offer some deep intellectual thought, and conversation. I have a couple that keep me grounded and focused on the path ahead, and I have a few for emotional support. Family is important, but never underestimate the value of friendships. 

     I have finally learned how to live alone, and quite happily I might add. So now my concern is allowing someone into my life. Funny how we can get that way. I have lived so much of my life with another person, I honestly didn't know how to be single and alone. Considering that I have my kids every other week, I am not alone all the time. On the weeks that they are gone though, I used to struggle. I never knew what to do with myself. I was uncomfortable sitting here alone watching tv, I was uncomfortable going out to get food alone, and I was uncomfortable being seen walking all alone. Now, I am perfectly fine with it, in fact, I prefer it! I can do what I want, when I want. No one here to make me reconsider taking off for a few hours to go see a movie. I can go meet up with friends if I want to. I can sit here naked and watching movies, eating pizza and cookies, no one is here to judge me! It's very liberating! I am left alone with my own thoughts and I can be weird as fuck, not a soul around to laugh at me for dancing half naked in my kitchen to Green Day. 

     Some poor sap is out there willing to get to know me and stick around for all my shenanigans. I hope he has lots of patience and can keep up with my weirdness. I know more about my self worth now, than I ever did before. Spending a year with no boyfriend has been the best thing for me. Honestly, even when I was with the last boyfriend, I often felt alone and unloved. So for me, it has been more like 4 years single. I have learned more about myself in the last 4 years, than I have in the 30 prior. I am strong, independent and incredibly caring. I will not hold onto anyone that makes me feel less than. I know that this blog entry has been similar to some of my others when it comes to personal growth and learning how to be myself. I think it's very important to reiterate these things, not only to myself, but to those who might be struggling with who they are. I want to keep writing for the people that need to pull from my strength. For those who are wandering, lost in their own lives. I want to empower those younger than me, to keep moving forward with their lives and focusing on the life ahead of them. I want those in a similar situation to know that they are not alone, they are worth loving and they have all the power in their hearts to be strong. It comes with time, learning, and understanding that you are not super human. It's ok to break, it's ok to hurt, and it is ok to need someone to help you through. Transformations don't happen overnight, they happen slowly. We are all beautiful fucking butterflies waiting to spring out of our cocoons. 

     Ok, go fourth my fucking fantastic friends and be fierce, be amazing unicorns, and take over your life one breath at a time. Until next time.   


Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Guarded, Locked and Loaded

     Hey guys, what's happening in your lives? Same shit different day? Great, me too. Only it's slightly different shit, and a totally random day. Let me elaborate on this.
     So remember when I said that I was willing to give anyone who asked me out at least one date. One shot to see if there is a spark, a connection, something I think I can work with? Well, I gave this man one date, and I was prepared to only give him the one, considering that he lives almost 2 hours from me. Distance is a hard thing to navigate when trying to spark any kind of relationship. It puts stress on it, causes doubts, and if the relationship isn't particularly stable to begin with, can cause it to crumble rather quickly. Well here I am, 3 dates later and I find myself liking this guy. So, in total ME fashion, of course I am still guarded and keeping him at arms length. In all fairness he was warned, repeatedly. I am not an easy sell, especially to someone that lives so far away, and has other issues that I will not divulge at this juncture. So far I don't think he has any ill meaning motives, no hidden mother issues, nothing that screams serial killer or total fucking nutcase. I'm absolutely taking my time with this, considering the factors I am dealing with. My trust level is pretty low, almost a zero, but that is something that must be earned over time through actions and observations. Not something I am willing to just hand over with some random texts and whispered promises.

     I have found myself wondering lately if I am being particularly stubborn because I can, or if it's something bigger than that. I have a totally dark and twisted way of thinking a lot of the time, and I found myself wondering if someone can run out of happy. What if you are given all the happy, love, and smiles for a lifetime when you are born, and I am running out? Perhaps I do have more, but they are reserved for other occasions and events in my life. When my children get married, when I become a grandparent, you know, things like that. What if, when it comes to relationships, I have put so much into the wrong people, I am just out of it to give for the next person, whether they are the right one or not? Fuck.... Told you it was dark and twisted in there. You see, I have become so content with being alone, that I have reached a point where I don't know how to switch it back on for another person. I have a hell of a time sleeping with someone lying next to me. I don't feel comfortable sharing my space with another person. I worry that they will mess up my routine, however chaotic it is. Then I also find myself thinking, maybe this is what I need to get past my bullshit. Maybe allowing someone in will let me put some effort into life again. Make me stop feeling so content to do nothing, pick myself up and get back out into the world and find what I want.

     I have discovered that I do miss some things that happen at the beginning of a relationship. The things that happen BEFORE the relationship. Learning things about a new person. Figuring out if you are compatible, if you can blend lives and if there is a spark. It also opens you up to meeting people in their inner circle and finding new faces and new experiences through each new person you meet. I have made some pretty good friends in the wake of dating. Met people that I wouldn't have been introduced to otherwise. If for nothing other than that experience, I don't mind dating. I am certainly glad that I got rid of the online dating fuckery. That was just getting plain ridiculous. I have never had to be such a bitch in my entire life than I had to be over the few months of online dating. These men seriously can't handle being told no. They also have no manners when they get behind that fucking keyboard. I have never been hit on in such a slimy, disgusting, degrading way, in my entire life! And I grew up with loggers, truckers and rednecks!

     So I will keep you all informed of what happens over the next few weeks. I am not going to get my hopes up. I'm not even sure what I'm hoping for at this moment. I know that I am happy, just the same as I was a few weeks ago prior to going on that first date with him. I am going to keep living my life as I was before, and if he wants to become a part of it, he will have to make his place. I am really tired of making a place for a new man in my life, only to have him back out unexpectedly and taking a piece of me with him. That will not happen again, not on my watch. I am very guarded, I have my heart under lock and key, in a castle, with a moat, and a fire breathing dragon. It's going to take some serious cannon fire to get me to open up. If you are the type to root for the underdog, you should probably send some good vibes his way. He's going to need all the ammunition he can get.

Until next time.

Sunday, February 28, 2016

Further insight to my life

     Hey guys, so I have been asked quite a few times now, how I can write a blog like this knowing that one day my kids will read it. How they might feel knowing things about me that I post in here. Well, I'd like you all to read on. I would love to give you some insights on how I am raising my kids to be open minded humans, ready for all this world has to throw at them. 

     So first off, I want you all to understand that I am completely aware that I don't owe an explanation to anyone. However, for the sake of clarity, and to address some apparent "concerns" I am going to give you all a little peek into my relationship with my kids. My kids know first and foremost that I love them, hands down, no question, unwavering, unconditional LOVE. This, to me, seems like a completely obvious statement. I mean, what kind of parent can't figure out how to love their kid no matter what... well, lots of them it turns out. Mothers going off their fucking rockers and driving their kids into lakes and shit. Parents disowning their children for coming out as gay or bisexual. Dead beat parents, that just drop their kids with random people because they can't be bothered with the responsibility of parenting, because their drug of choice is just too fucking tempting. I could go on and on about these piles of human excrement, but it's pissing me off.  Don't worry though, I am not one of those heartless bastards. All 3 of my kids know that they can come to me with anything, for any reason, and I will not cast them aside or make them feel unwanted or unloved. I want them to know, as their mother, I am their safe haven. 

     "What about my foul language?" Yeah? And? What's your fucking point exactly? Language is language. We have a variety of words to use for all sorts of things, yet I still prefer "Fuck no" over "No". Do I allow them to use curse words around me or in my home? FUCK NO, and you know why? Because they are not adults. When they are adults, and can be treated as such, then you bet your ass that my kids can sit there with me and use fuck like a comma when they are old enough to get a job, pay their bills and take care of themselves, like I have taught them to. Then they can cuss freely. They are all well aware of this rule. However, I know that they are throwing around cuss words with their friends, because I did it too. I have even told them that I know. My rules for outside the home, work much the same way. If I ever hear of them using them towards an adult, using them to intimidate or bully another child, or using them at school, they will be punished. Not only will they have to hand write a heartfelt note of apology, they will get to do all the chores for everyone in the house for the entire week they are with me. Depending on the infraction, this may go on for an extended period of time. My kids know I mean business. If you are close to me, you can ask them yourself, otherwise, you will just have to take my word on that. 

     As for the concern over my openness about my dating history, and small glimpses into my sex life. This is not intended for anyone under 18. Think of me as an R rated movie. If the time comes and they want to read it, a certain amount of warning will be given about the content, and if they wish to proceed, I will be ready with cute cat videos and other forms of internet "eye bleach". This blog isn't for prude, delicate, or uptight people. I'm not raising my kids to be any of those things. I am encouraging them to live life to the fullest, to live for themselves, to look at life with a sense of humor, and to enjoy every day as best they can. Open minded, free spirits, independent, take care of your damned self, and use your brain to come up with your own conclusions people. THOSE are the type of people I am raising. I believe that if anyone can take away anything from my blog, it's not just the candid nature of my stories. It's the story of how I have become all those things for myself. It's an ongoing story of empowerment and strength, and I am not ashamed of it at all.   

     In my mind, I feel, that as long as I teach my kids respect, kindness, and how to be open minded. It's all they need to be functioning members of society. My personal life is just that, personal. They know that I date, but they don't need to know anything else. They know I have a filthy mouth, and they understand the ramifications for saying things that are inappropriate for their age. My children are smart, strong and caring individuals. I receive compliments from other parents on how well behaved they are during sleep overs and play dates. So for those that wonder about my parenting skills, just because I write a profanity laden blog about my life, know that my kids are just fine and none of your concern. I am incredibly close with my daughter, I am still learning how to foster a close relationship with my sons. My kids are happy, healthy and well loved by a mother who says "fuck" a lot.  I often times find myself being hilariously shocked by the things my kids can say or do. They have amazing senses of humor. They are my pride and joy, I know that is the same old cliche that all parents say, but its true. When I get to share and laugh, and have fun with my kids, nothing in this world makes me happier.

     So I hope that this entry was insightful, and to any folks out there with concerns, please stop concerning yourselves with my life and kids. Pay attention to your own lives, maybe if more people out there started finding their own path instead of being so worried about the paths that others are following, the world would be filled with more free thinkers and problem solvers. I write to express myself, and to hopefully reach people that may need a little help finding their inner strength. I have been told by many, that I am an inspiration. This is both humbling and gratifying for me. I have worked very hard to get to a place where I am comfortable being me. For all those who have reached out to me and thanked me for being an inspiration, I want to offer my sincerest gratitude. If not for those people, I wouldn't have found the courage to keep going. Just knowing that I was helping someone out there overcome their own obstacles, helped me to overcome my own. 

So thank you, from the bottom of my heart. 
Until next time friends.


Monday, February 22, 2016


     Hello everyone, I'm just sort of rambling today, I don't have anything specific to talk about. Ever have one of those phases in life when it seems like things are just sort of in a weird kind of limbo? I mean, I have had a lot happen in the last month or so. I bought a new car, I got a raise and a sort of promotion... That is a bit complicated to explain, so I won't. I don't really know how to explain this place in my life. It's like a strange place where things are trying to come together, but just haven't yet.

     Well anyway, so I have been trying to get back into eating healthy and working out. Let me tell you, 34 isn't the new 24. I don't give a fuck what anyone tells me. Damn, my body is wanting me to get into shape, but my joints are like "Whoa Bitch! We need some TLC." For me, the biggest issue is my hips, let me tell you, after 3 kids and the fact that I am "double jointed" (yeah I know it's not a real thing, hence the quotes, fuck face.) It has taken a toll on my hip joints and they need a few days of recovery between workouts. Another project I have been working on is helping people discover essential oils again. It baffles me that people are so afraid to learn how they can help you in your everyday life. As I'm sitting here typing, I'm running myself an Epsom salt bath with lemon grass oil for muscle aches and a touch of lavender for my frigging sanity. I will rub my sore hips down with a muscle cream called Deep Blue, and I will be able to walk tomorrow without maxing my dose of ibuprofen. I might start a separate blog for that if the time comes where I have educated myself enough. Right now I'm still learning and experimenting with my own blends and remedies.

     So, other than that, my life has been rather boring lately. I haven't really been on many dates. I recently had some friends that I thought were good, turn out to be quite toxic. I found a couple new friends and reacquainted with some old friends that I had lost contact with. I can happily say that for month 2 of 2016, it's been good so far. I have not regretted anything I've said or done. I only learn, and move forward. Life is too damned short to dwell on things that you can't change. Apologize for your wrong doings, learn from your mistakes and just try to do better tomorrow.

Until next time friends

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Sad Products for Singles

     So I have noticed, as I'm sure most of you have, that there seems to be a whole host of products aimed at the singles crowd. We have all sorts of things that are totally useful, single serve coffee systems, single serve dinners have been around for a long time, and of course the ever growing list of single websites and apps so you can meet other single people! Yesterday while I was shopping at Walmart, I had to stop and do a double take at a new product I saw on the shelf. Single serve cakes, not like what you see in the bakery already made and iced, no, these are little cake mixes that come with a container of frosting and a 6 inch disposable pan to cook them in.... I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I imagine that sales meeting for Betty Crocker had to go a little something like this... "Cake mix sales are on a steady decline, what can we do to boost revenue!?" Suddenly all eyes turn to Mary, the divorcee who just adopted 3 cats this year. Then someone pipes up... "What about single serve mixes?" Everyone looks at the CEO, he smiles... "Perfect! And we will include a disposable cake pan so they can toss it in the trash when they have finished crying into it."

Yeah, yeah yeah, I have an active imagination.... get off me.

     Well after this trip down imagination lane, I decided to google other products that are geared specifically for single people. Fuck... It's depressing out there folks. Since I love you all, I have found the 4 items that I found most depressing. Here you go, enjoy my laughter and tears.

     The "Boyfriend" body pillow. I know most of you have seen this thing posted on facebook, twitter and instagram. It is a pillow that has half a man shaped torso and an arm. It's the epitome of being forever alone. Not only have you just totally given up at the point in which you purchase this item, but anyone who does come over to your place will see it and agree with you. I imagine they would show themselves out at that point. This thing is sold on Amazon and I shit you not, the description says, "replace your boyfriend's arm with a pillow in shining armor!" Fuck me... Really!? Get the fuck out right now.  OH! and for you single men reading my blog, they also have the "Girlfriend" body pillow, complete with perky little booby cushions. You're welcome...

     Next up I found a cook book! Not just any old cook book, oh no, apparently we single people must take our sad lifestyle a step further and give up using a stove all together! MICROWAVE Cooking for ONE
Fuck... fuck... FUCK NO! Shit, are you kidding me!? For fucks sake people do not ever buy this! I didn't find the link for purchase, thank the heavens, I wouldn't allow any of my friends to buy this. If you have this in your kitchen call me, seriously, call me so I can come over and beat you within an inch of your life with that useless piece of shit and I can teach you how to cook a fucking decent meal. This thing is sad in so many ways. If you know anyone that has this just do them a favor and set it on fire and roast a hot dog. I promise it will taste better than anything you have made out of that cook book.

     Now I could use this next product for when I have finished writing today's blog. A pillow that dispenses tissue. For those lonely nights when you are crying yourself to sleep! For the days when you are sick and have no one to take care of you! Hooray! I found many links to describe this product, yet I didn't actually find a link to purchase it. I suppose that if I had looked a little harder I would have found the link, but I was too depressed to want to actually find this damned pillow. I might have bought it.

     This last one I found, I may actually use it. It's a body lotion wand. This thing looks like one of those back scratchers, you know what I'm talking about. Instead of scratching, it has little bumps on it that will rub lotion into your back. So now you can get lotion on your back when no one wants to touch you! Yay! FOREVER ALONE! No need for a person to spend time with! Just buy all this shit and adopt 20 cats. You might be lucky enough to have kids like me. Single parents aren't really alone. That's what all the well meaning old ladies at work tell me! I keep the vulgar thoughts to myself and just say "yeah.... that's true...."

     So if you guys find some products for single people let me know! I want to check these things out. If I find more I may write another blog about the new wave of depressing shit made for single folks.
Until next time friends! Try not to buy any of this shit, seriously, I'll have to hunt you down and beat you to death.

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Reflections, Goals and My Potty Mouth

     Well hello friends! I just celebrated another trip around the sun last Sunday. What a hell of a year it was. I had thought for a very long time that being 33 would kill me. It's a long story about a weird superstition for me personally. Anyway... I had a fantastic weekend with friends and my kids. Saturday night started out great, then it ended in a 5 star shit show, but overall, not the worst night out I've ever had! I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad one, ha ha, I will have to stick a pin in that and get back to you. So I am 34 now and looking forward to a fun year! I have already signed up for a bubble run in August, I will be playing mud volleyball, as usual, in April, I plan on walking Bloomsday again this year in May, and I will be signing up for the Dirty Dash in July! WHEW! Fun year! I plan on continuing to make new friends and new connections in the real world. No more online dating nightmares for me, not this year. I will continue to keep you all in the loop with my never ending disastrous love life, I am glad I have a sense of humor about it. Fuck, if I didn't laugh about it, I would surely be locked up in the looney bin, getting the good drugs through an IV right about now. So this year is all about fun and putting myself out in the real world.

     It's really crazy for me to think that it has been nearly 4 years since my life took a drastic change. It's not one I had ever planned on, and certainly didn't want for myself. Yet, I have also realized that in these years, I have learned so much about myself, and what I want out of life. I stopped living for someone else and started living for ME. I have goals this year, I hope that I can meet them. I have had the same goals for the last 3 years and I am more determined than ever to make at least one of them happen! My house... It is absolutely, without question, number one on my list of things to do before I turn 35. I had hoped that I could go back to school this year, and depending on my job situation and my living situation, that may still happen. I oddly enough, do not have a goal for a relationship this year. I feel that if one happens, then great, if not, then great. I have things to do and a life to live, I am only looking to be a better person this year than I was last year. I'm not going to stop saying fuck though, I might actually die if I can't say fuck, or any derivative of the word fuck. I can still be a good person who says fuck a lot.

     So as I sit here wondering what the next chapter of my life is going to look like, I am also pondering random things, as I tend to do. If you know me well, you know I spout off on random thoughts all the time. They roll around in my head until they decide to pop out of my mouth. Tonight I am wondering why I don't get hit on by men my own age. The ones that say something to me are all much older than I am, and not by a few years, I'm talking 15 to 20 years older. These men are old enough to be my father, and they are sleazy. They aren't like the dapper, handsome, older men that you read about in novels or see on TV. No, they are gross, and smelly, and spend their afternoons sitting in the bar soaking their liver in Bourbon. I have no idea what they think they will accomplish in asking me out, I am not a bar fly, I'm not a methed out tramp, and I think that I present myself well, not like the easy sluts you would see going home with men like this. So my only thought is that perhaps they are too drunk to care, or they think that if they ask out enough women like me, eventually they will win the lottery and take home a decent woman. Which, in due time, they will slowly break down and destroy, because that is all they know how to do. Men like this have one setting, self destruct. The downfall of that setting in humans, is that typically anyone who tries to get close to them is damaged by it. So, not only am I NOT interested, I am running, not walking, the opposite direction from that nightmare. That is not something I need in my life. I already have my own shit show, thanks. Why don't you try online dating Pops, there are Plenty Of Fish in the sea.

     Well I believe I am out of random thoughts for this evening. Until next time my friends.


Friday, January 1, 2016

Relationship views for the New Year

     Well, Happy New Year! I hope that I am finding everyone happy, healthy and full of promise for the next 366 days! Yes, 366, its a leap year, and you can keep reading after you have finished laughing... I'll wait.
Ha, full of promise, lets be real here. The only thing I am full of going into the new year is curiosity, and maybe some other things, but lets stick with curiosity for now. I have been MIA for the last few months, I apologize for that. I had to take some time to cultivate some relationships, break down a couple others, and find that place in my heart that is capable of loving another. I got rid of the dating sites, and allowed some friends to make a few connections for me. Now here is where things get interesting. When you allow a friend to talk you into meeting someone, it gives you the opportunity to see who said friend sees you with. It also gives a peek into how they view you as a person. Typically when someone seeks out to set up one friend with another, they tend to lean towards someone they think you will have things in common with. So when they set you up with a man who is an adrenaline junky, for instance, they might view you as the same. I'll be the first one to tell you, friends can miss the mark....

     So with that being said, I will dive into the things I had the opportunity to learn, and the things that I know I will come to expect from any romantic relationship I may find myself in. First and foremost, loyalty. Loyalty to me and only me, meaning that you will have my back and I will have yours. Clearly, this is a 2 way street between the two of you. I expect any man that I am with to have my back when things are good, bad or indifferent. If I have done something wrong, help me fix it. If I have made an epic mistake to rule all mistakes, love me through it and help me make amends to the person or persons I may have hurt. Right or wrong, we all need someone in our lives that are able to forgive us for being what we are, broken people just trying to live our lives the best way we know how. Sometimes we fuck up, majorly fuck up, and we end up hurting people whether we intended to or not. Please be able to forgive the person you love. If you can't do this, then you have no business being in a relationship with this person. Forgiveness is a necessary ingredient for any sustainable relationship. Be caring and kind to the person you want to stay in your life. We all have bad days, weeks, hell... even years! Learn to channel that bad into something else, and don't let it poison your relationship. If it's becoming an issue, then you need to talk about it in a civil manner. Be an adult about things, no sense in childishly fighting and screaming at one another. How can you expect to accomplish anything by yelling at another person? Communication is so incredibly important. When you communicate with each other about the things that are bothering you, and you communicate in such a way that you can both listen and hear the other person, you will have something unbreakable. Last, but absolutely not least, do not dwell on the past! Don't dredge up old news, and wave it around like a whip, just waiting to lash it at the person you are supposed to care about the most. Why would you wish to cause them the emotional pain of bringing something up that was put behind them for a reason? Keep moving forward, keep making new memories and make them good. Know that there is hard stuff still ahead. You will need to become such a strong team that when that hard stuff sucker punches you, you can work through it and come out the other side better for making it through.

     The 2 men that I had the opportunity of getting to know through mutual friends, have each taught me some of those things. Not because they necessarily showed that they were capable of doing them, but because they were things that needed work by all parties involved, myself included. Some of those things I listed are lessons I learned from the dissolution of my marriage, and from my break up with the two year heartache that was my ex boyfriend. Overall, they seem to be the things I see in couples that can stand the test of time. I also forgot to mention that you have to have the ability to laugh at and with one another, and yourselves. Laughter is so important for any human connection. Without humor, we would have a dull, boring, colorless society. Not something I wish to live in.

     So as I continue my move into the new year, I will keep on this road I have been following. I am going to stay away from the dating sites for now. They seem to just drag in useless trouble, and men that I have no desire to ever meet outside of those painful first dates. I will keep making new connections with friends and co-workers. I hope that one of these days I will stumble upon the man that will deserve all that I have to offer. Until that day comes, I will try to keep writing, keep making memories with my kids, and continue making goals for myself. The only person I need to keep impressing is myself, and I think that I am pretty amazing.

Until next time my friends.