Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Sad Products for Singles

     So I have noticed, as I'm sure most of you have, that there seems to be a whole host of products aimed at the singles crowd. We have all sorts of things that are totally useful, single serve coffee systems, single serve dinners have been around for a long time, and of course the ever growing list of single websites and apps so you can meet other single people! Yesterday while I was shopping at Walmart, I had to stop and do a double take at a new product I saw on the shelf. Single serve cakes, not like what you see in the bakery already made and iced, no, these are little cake mixes that come with a container of frosting and a 6 inch disposable pan to cook them in.... I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I imagine that sales meeting for Betty Crocker had to go a little something like this... "Cake mix sales are on a steady decline, what can we do to boost revenue!?" Suddenly all eyes turn to Mary, the divorcee who just adopted 3 cats this year. Then someone pipes up... "What about single serve mixes?" Everyone looks at the CEO, he smiles... "Perfect! And we will include a disposable cake pan so they can toss it in the trash when they have finished crying into it."

Yeah, yeah yeah, I have an active imagination.... get off me.

     Well after this trip down imagination lane, I decided to google other products that are geared specifically for single people. Fuck... It's depressing out there folks. Since I love you all, I have found the 4 items that I found most depressing. Here you go, enjoy my laughter and tears.

     The "Boyfriend" body pillow. I know most of you have seen this thing posted on facebook, twitter and instagram. It is a pillow that has half a man shaped torso and an arm. It's the epitome of being forever alone. Not only have you just totally given up at the point in which you purchase this item, but anyone who does come over to your place will see it and agree with you. I imagine they would show themselves out at that point. This thing is sold on Amazon and I shit you not, the description says, "replace your boyfriend's arm with a pillow in shining armor!" Fuck me... Really!? Get the fuck out right now.  OH! and for you single men reading my blog, they also have the "Girlfriend" body pillow, complete with perky little booby cushions. You're welcome...

     Next up I found a cook book! Not just any old cook book, oh no, apparently we single people must take our sad lifestyle a step further and give up using a stove all together! MICROWAVE Cooking for ONE
Fuck... fuck... FUCK NO! Shit, are you kidding me!? For fucks sake people do not ever buy this! I didn't find the link for purchase, thank the heavens, I wouldn't allow any of my friends to buy this. If you have this in your kitchen call me, seriously, call me so I can come over and beat you within an inch of your life with that useless piece of shit and I can teach you how to cook a fucking decent meal. This thing is sad in so many ways. If you know anyone that has this just do them a favor and set it on fire and roast a hot dog. I promise it will taste better than anything you have made out of that cook book.

     Now I could use this next product for when I have finished writing today's blog. A pillow that dispenses tissue. For those lonely nights when you are crying yourself to sleep! For the days when you are sick and have no one to take care of you! Hooray! I found many links to describe this product, yet I didn't actually find a link to purchase it. I suppose that if I had looked a little harder I would have found the link, but I was too depressed to want to actually find this damned pillow. I might have bought it.

     This last one I found, I may actually use it. It's a body lotion wand. This thing looks like one of those back scratchers, you know what I'm talking about. Instead of scratching, it has little bumps on it that will rub lotion into your back. So now you can get lotion on your back when no one wants to touch you! Yay! FOREVER ALONE! No need for a person to spend time with! Just buy all this shit and adopt 20 cats. You might be lucky enough to have kids like me. Single parents aren't really alone. That's what all the well meaning old ladies at work tell me! I keep the vulgar thoughts to myself and just say "yeah.... that's true...."

     So if you guys find some products for single people let me know! I want to check these things out. If I find more I may write another blog about the new wave of depressing shit made for single folks.
Until next time friends! Try not to buy any of this shit, seriously, I'll have to hunt you down and beat you to death.

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Reflections, Goals and My Potty Mouth

     Well hello friends! I just celebrated another trip around the sun last Sunday. What a hell of a year it was. I had thought for a very long time that being 33 would kill me. It's a long story about a weird superstition for me personally. Anyway... I had a fantastic weekend with friends and my kids. Saturday night started out great, then it ended in a 5 star shit show, but overall, not the worst night out I've ever had! I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad one, ha ha, I will have to stick a pin in that and get back to you. So I am 34 now and looking forward to a fun year! I have already signed up for a bubble run in August, I will be playing mud volleyball, as usual, in April, I plan on walking Bloomsday again this year in May, and I will be signing up for the Dirty Dash in July! WHEW! Fun year! I plan on continuing to make new friends and new connections in the real world. No more online dating nightmares for me, not this year. I will continue to keep you all in the loop with my never ending disastrous love life, I am glad I have a sense of humor about it. Fuck, if I didn't laugh about it, I would surely be locked up in the looney bin, getting the good drugs through an IV right about now. So this year is all about fun and putting myself out in the real world.

     It's really crazy for me to think that it has been nearly 4 years since my life took a drastic change. It's not one I had ever planned on, and certainly didn't want for myself. Yet, I have also realized that in these years, I have learned so much about myself, and what I want out of life. I stopped living for someone else and started living for ME. I have goals this year, I hope that I can meet them. I have had the same goals for the last 3 years and I am more determined than ever to make at least one of them happen! My house... It is absolutely, without question, number one on my list of things to do before I turn 35. I had hoped that I could go back to school this year, and depending on my job situation and my living situation, that may still happen. I oddly enough, do not have a goal for a relationship this year. I feel that if one happens, then great, if not, then great. I have things to do and a life to live, I am only looking to be a better person this year than I was last year. I'm not going to stop saying fuck though, I might actually die if I can't say fuck, or any derivative of the word fuck. I can still be a good person who says fuck a lot.

     So as I sit here wondering what the next chapter of my life is going to look like, I am also pondering random things, as I tend to do. If you know me well, you know I spout off on random thoughts all the time. They roll around in my head until they decide to pop out of my mouth. Tonight I am wondering why I don't get hit on by men my own age. The ones that say something to me are all much older than I am, and not by a few years, I'm talking 15 to 20 years older. These men are old enough to be my father, and they are sleazy. They aren't like the dapper, handsome, older men that you read about in novels or see on TV. No, they are gross, and smelly, and spend their afternoons sitting in the bar soaking their liver in Bourbon. I have no idea what they think they will accomplish in asking me out, I am not a bar fly, I'm not a methed out tramp, and I think that I present myself well, not like the easy sluts you would see going home with men like this. So my only thought is that perhaps they are too drunk to care, or they think that if they ask out enough women like me, eventually they will win the lottery and take home a decent woman. Which, in due time, they will slowly break down and destroy, because that is all they know how to do. Men like this have one setting, self destruct. The downfall of that setting in humans, is that typically anyone who tries to get close to them is damaged by it. So, not only am I NOT interested, I am running, not walking, the opposite direction from that nightmare. That is not something I need in my life. I already have my own shit show, thanks. Why don't you try online dating Pops, there are Plenty Of Fish in the sea.

     Well I believe I am out of random thoughts for this evening. Until next time my friends.


Friday, January 1, 2016

Relationship views for the New Year

     Well, Happy New Year! I hope that I am finding everyone happy, healthy and full of promise for the next 366 days! Yes, 366, its a leap year, and you can keep reading after you have finished laughing... I'll wait.
Ha, full of promise, lets be real here. The only thing I am full of going into the new year is curiosity, and maybe some other things, but lets stick with curiosity for now. I have been MIA for the last few months, I apologize for that. I had to take some time to cultivate some relationships, break down a couple others, and find that place in my heart that is capable of loving another. I got rid of the dating sites, and allowed some friends to make a few connections for me. Now here is where things get interesting. When you allow a friend to talk you into meeting someone, it gives you the opportunity to see who said friend sees you with. It also gives a peek into how they view you as a person. Typically when someone seeks out to set up one friend with another, they tend to lean towards someone they think you will have things in common with. So when they set you up with a man who is an adrenaline junky, for instance, they might view you as the same. I'll be the first one to tell you, friends can miss the mark....

     So with that being said, I will dive into the things I had the opportunity to learn, and the things that I know I will come to expect from any romantic relationship I may find myself in. First and foremost, loyalty. Loyalty to me and only me, meaning that you will have my back and I will have yours. Clearly, this is a 2 way street between the two of you. I expect any man that I am with to have my back when things are good, bad or indifferent. If I have done something wrong, help me fix it. If I have made an epic mistake to rule all mistakes, love me through it and help me make amends to the person or persons I may have hurt. Right or wrong, we all need someone in our lives that are able to forgive us for being what we are, broken people just trying to live our lives the best way we know how. Sometimes we fuck up, majorly fuck up, and we end up hurting people whether we intended to or not. Please be able to forgive the person you love. If you can't do this, then you have no business being in a relationship with this person. Forgiveness is a necessary ingredient for any sustainable relationship. Be caring and kind to the person you want to stay in your life. We all have bad days, weeks, hell... even years! Learn to channel that bad into something else, and don't let it poison your relationship. If it's becoming an issue, then you need to talk about it in a civil manner. Be an adult about things, no sense in childishly fighting and screaming at one another. How can you expect to accomplish anything by yelling at another person? Communication is so incredibly important. When you communicate with each other about the things that are bothering you, and you communicate in such a way that you can both listen and hear the other person, you will have something unbreakable. Last, but absolutely not least, do not dwell on the past! Don't dredge up old news, and wave it around like a whip, just waiting to lash it at the person you are supposed to care about the most. Why would you wish to cause them the emotional pain of bringing something up that was put behind them for a reason? Keep moving forward, keep making new memories and make them good. Know that there is hard stuff still ahead. You will need to become such a strong team that when that hard stuff sucker punches you, you can work through it and come out the other side better for making it through.

     The 2 men that I had the opportunity of getting to know through mutual friends, have each taught me some of those things. Not because they necessarily showed that they were capable of doing them, but because they were things that needed work by all parties involved, myself included. Some of those things I listed are lessons I learned from the dissolution of my marriage, and from my break up with the two year heartache that was my ex boyfriend. Overall, they seem to be the things I see in couples that can stand the test of time. I also forgot to mention that you have to have the ability to laugh at and with one another, and yourselves. Laughter is so important for any human connection. Without humor, we would have a dull, boring, colorless society. Not something I wish to live in.

     So as I continue my move into the new year, I will keep on this road I have been following. I am going to stay away from the dating sites for now. They seem to just drag in useless trouble, and men that I have no desire to ever meet outside of those painful first dates. I will keep making new connections with friends and co-workers. I hope that one of these days I will stumble upon the man that will deserve all that I have to offer. Until that day comes, I will try to keep writing, keep making memories with my kids, and continue making goals for myself. The only person I need to keep impressing is myself, and I think that I am pretty amazing.

Until next time my friends.