Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Be Fierce

     Hey guys, haven't felt the writing bug much lately. I have started a new job, I am back to housekeeping, cleaning vacation rentals. It is very hard work, but I am making more money and I am happier. I am not seeing the guy from Spokane anymore. That is a long story, one that I am not sure I wish to share at this point in time. He is very sweet and kind, but ultimately, just not the person for me. I felt bad that I had to break things off over the phone, but when you live 2 hours from me, I can't really drop everything and drive over there. I never recommend delivering bad news over the phone, if you can help it. In person is always better. I need to move on, and keep forward motion. I am not about to let the little things drag me down this year. I have a lot to live up to and I am excited to keep moving on with my life. Good things are coming my way, I can feel it in my heart.

     I have been actively working on many of my friendships, making sure that I keep my friends close to me. In this life we live, we need people that are fun to travel with! Who wants to walk the road of life with boring people? Sure as fuck isn't me! I love my little circle of people. We are pretty awesome, and I couldn't be happier. I have a few that offer some deep intellectual thought, and conversation. I have a couple that keep me grounded and focused on the path ahead, and I have a few for emotional support. Family is important, but never underestimate the value of friendships. 

     I have finally learned how to live alone, and quite happily I might add. So now my concern is allowing someone into my life. Funny how we can get that way. I have lived so much of my life with another person, I honestly didn't know how to be single and alone. Considering that I have my kids every other week, I am not alone all the time. On the weeks that they are gone though, I used to struggle. I never knew what to do with myself. I was uncomfortable sitting here alone watching tv, I was uncomfortable going out to get food alone, and I was uncomfortable being seen walking all alone. Now, I am perfectly fine with it, in fact, I prefer it! I can do what I want, when I want. No one here to make me reconsider taking off for a few hours to go see a movie. I can go meet up with friends if I want to. I can sit here naked and watching movies, eating pizza and cookies, no one is here to judge me! It's very liberating! I am left alone with my own thoughts and I can be weird as fuck, not a soul around to laugh at me for dancing half naked in my kitchen to Green Day. 

     Some poor sap is out there willing to get to know me and stick around for all my shenanigans. I hope he has lots of patience and can keep up with my weirdness. I know more about my self worth now, than I ever did before. Spending a year with no boyfriend has been the best thing for me. Honestly, even when I was with the last boyfriend, I often felt alone and unloved. So for me, it has been more like 4 years single. I have learned more about myself in the last 4 years, than I have in the 30 prior. I am strong, independent and incredibly caring. I will not hold onto anyone that makes me feel less than. I know that this blog entry has been similar to some of my others when it comes to personal growth and learning how to be myself. I think it's very important to reiterate these things, not only to myself, but to those who might be struggling with who they are. I want to keep writing for the people that need to pull from my strength. For those who are wandering, lost in their own lives. I want to empower those younger than me, to keep moving forward with their lives and focusing on the life ahead of them. I want those in a similar situation to know that they are not alone, they are worth loving and they have all the power in their hearts to be strong. It comes with time, learning, and understanding that you are not super human. It's ok to break, it's ok to hurt, and it is ok to need someone to help you through. Transformations don't happen overnight, they happen slowly. We are all beautiful fucking butterflies waiting to spring out of our cocoons. 

     Ok, go fourth my fucking fantastic friends and be fierce, be amazing unicorns, and take over your life one breath at a time. Until next time.