The End, But in the Best Way Possible

                     

Tomorrow, I change my name                  

                     Well hello again friends! Man has it been a long time since I wrote something brand spanking new! I have had the most fun sharing my dating nightmares, my struggle with finding inner peace, and my quest to become happy in my love life. I have had many triumphs along the way, from calling out creeps, to finally meeting the man I had been waiting so long for. In order to reach those however, I certainly had to pay my dues. You guys, some of those dates I went on... fuck me those were HORRIBLE! I met some people that should never be allowed to interact with other humans! I made it as a single mother for 7 years and I never thought I could make it through 7 days! To all my single parent friends, I applaud you, seriously, you guys are so fucking awesome you deserve ALL the things. Not only was I welcomed with open arms into that little sub community of parents, we all had similar stories and problems, we all had insane stresses and heart breaks, yet we all relied on each other to keep our sanity. We shared ideas and offered help, we traded hand me downs and child care. We are all in the same village, helping each other out, thank you for being my people. 

For my best friends, my squad, my people... If it weren't for you all, I would not have become the woman I am today, My closest friends and family, you have supported me, held me up when I had nothing left, and you were all my cheerleaders along the way. I will love you all until the day I die. If I could have had the biggest damned wedding my little heart desired, I would have had the biggest wedding party ever! 

                    Wedding... Yeah... I got fucking MARRIED! AGAIN! What the HELL is wrong with me! Well, at least that is what I imagine some of you may be yelling, or maybe that is what was ringing through my head when I said yes to Tony. The thing is, that I knew he was the man I wanted to be with long before he asked me. Granted, this is me we are talking about and I kept that titanium wall locked tight for a long time. I did not want to fall for him the way I did, I tried to keep him at arm's length, but dammit, he just stuck around anyway. There was no pushing Tony away because he was right there reminding me that I am enough, I am a good person, and I deserved his love. He never wavered, never set unrealistic expectations, and he always, always made up anytime he caused me any sort of hurt and emotional pain. He does these things because he too is a broken human. Broken by the one person he trusted with his heart, same as me. We went through such similar pain, that it was so easy to help each other along the way. Each one of us being wiser, from our learned experiences, and being able to see and communicate any tiny issues before they become something larger than life. We have the power of hindsight on our side, being able to look back at our own mistakes and doing our part to try and do better this time around. So why am I suddenly having this hard time grasping that I am now becoming Mrs. Florence. 

                    Identity crisis? I mean that seems to make the most sense, I am having an identity crisis. Perhaps it isn't a crisis though, maybe a small bump in life? I didn't have a hard time changing my name the first time around, so excited to learn my new signature and initials, I couldn't wait until people asked my name and I would proudly give them my new name. I had the same general excitement, until I started to actually begin the process, shit, I forgot how much of a pain in the ass this is. Calling every company you do business with to give them the new name. Changing bank accounts, loans, credit cards, filling out name change paperwork for every damned thing under the sun! I had to do this twice already, this is the third time... and it will be the LAST time. I do not want anyone else by my side, Tony is the one for me. He doesn't always understand me, but he tries. This man is simply the best person I have met, he has so much patience that it is hard to believe. Florence, Leigh-Ann Marie Florence. I will get used to saying it, and signing it. 

                    So today is my final blog entry, a final toast to all the crazy antics, and a big middle finger to my ex's that made this journey so messed up. They never deserved me, and I never deserved the garbage they dumped on me. I know that, I also know that they can no longer control my life. I have let that shit go, so a great big fuck off to the emotional roller coaster that was my life for 8 long years. When we finally get to the point in our lives, when we start making decisions for ourselves and not for other people, that is when we can most easily walk away from those people that no longer serve a valuable place in our head space. They don't pay rent here, they are gone from my brain. I have a new life, a new family, and a new husband to love me in the best way he knows how. Like the tide pulling the ocean in and out, I have sent that past out into the sea. This chapter of my life has been life changing, eye opening, and made me so, so humble. 

I cannot wait to see what life has to bring me in the future. My kids are all lined up to begin their next chapter's too, with my beautiful daughter starting them off by graduating next June. This is usually where I sign off until next time, but here, this is the end of my journey. So goodbye friends, keep moving forward, and always choose kindness. The world needs more of that shit. 

                    

Real Life Love

     Hey guys, it's been a hell of a long time. I seem to have fallen off the blogging wagon. Well, maybe less fall and more leap... you see I have finally met someone that I feel comfortable enough talking about. That is, comfortable enough to tell the world, aka like 15 of you who actually ready this, that I am completely in love with this man, and I am scared to death. Read on.... 

       Most of you are fully aware of the dating nightmares I have endured. Some pitiful, disgusting, and downright awful humans, have met me at coffee shops, beaches, toy stores (that one was particularly bad), and restaurants. I have been laughed at, ignored, told to lose weight, gain weight, and been made to feel like a nuisance. Until now... Here is the story about how I met my current man. If you follow me on Facebook you already know his name, but for privacy's sake, this is a public blog after all, I will call him "Dean". 

     Yes, I met Dean online, we hit things off on that fucking horrible cesspool called POF. Many of you know that dating site, and it's not the greatest, but it's also not the worst. Dean adhered to my first, and frankly most important rule, DON'T leave me a one word or poorly written message. He took the time to read through my entire profile, and he left me a thought out, albeit lengthy, message about karaoke and how much he would love to meet up with me and sing together sometime. Now I love to sing, I have my favorite karaoke bar, and I absolutely love to watch a man make a fool of himself. I might be a little evil, but I digress. So Dean and I start chatting about karaoke and bars and how much fun we will have. I felt like I could trust him pretty quickly, which is VERY unlike me, and we exchanged phone numbers on day 1! Wow, I know, I'm fucking insane. 

     Things are going well, we had made a plan to go out and sing on a weekend I didn't have my kids. Then schedules started conflicting, my work load got to be tough to juggle with any sort of social life. Pretty soon it was 2 weeks later and we still hadn't met! Yet we were texting every single day, strangely enough, as much as we wanted to hear the other's voice, we decided to leave that bit a mystery. Dean was very attractive, very well spoken, and he seemed very kind. I was beginning to worry that he would be snapped up off the market very quickly. So I finally found an opening in my schedule to meet on a Tuesday night, late. It was after 9 pm in this little town, on a warm, yet still chilled night late in June. Most businesses hadn't gotten their swing of summer tourists yet, so things were very quiet, and very few places still had their doors open. I didn't want to get lost in the crowd of a bar, and it was much too late for dinner. So we settled on taking a little walk on a trail near Sand Creek, and found a bench to sit on and talk. 

     Dean was just as attractive in person as he was online, he spoke with a smooth baritone in his voice, not over powering like most men. He was shy and confident at the same time, he had a way about him that was charming and casual, yet slightly off hand and naive to some of the ways of this new dating lifestyle. I quickly learned that Dean had not been on the scene nearly as long as I had. The hairs on the back of my neck tingled, I worried that this would be an issue. The longer we talked the more I was feeling like this would be the last time I saw him. As much as I liked him, I worried that my experiences might be too much for him to handle.  I learned that he had been on other dates, which wasn't a surprise to me at all, I mean... LOOK AT HIM! He's the whole package! He admitted that I, however, had been the woman he most looked forward to meeting. That did surprise me. Why me? My looks are average, my personality is fucking awesome, but I am certainly not without my flaws. I just couldn't see how everything I had been searching for in a man was standing right here in front of me, yet felt so far out of reach. 

     Dean and I talked for hours, it was nearly 1 am by the time he headed for home. I hugged him and drove the 5 mins back to my place... then my phone rang. It was Dean. I was shaking, I figured this was it, this was him calling me to tell me that he had fun, but that he didn't want to see me again. There was something about him that struck me as the kind of guy to at least give a woman that information over the phone, and not a lousy text. So I answered that call, and much to my surprise, he was asking me life advice. DATING advice.... FUCK. He was telling me more about these other two women than I cared to know. But I did the only thing I knew how to do, dish out the good, friendly advise that I am pretty well known for. I figured if I can't have this guy as my boyfriend, he seemed cool enough to hang out with from time to time. And who knows, maybe this friendship could lead me to connect with more people and broaden my dating pool. So we talked on the phone for 2 more hours. By the time I hung up I thought I might still have a shot! He wasn't telling me to get bent, he was telling me how awesome I was! Maybe he is just as bonkers as I am. Shit... maybe he is just as bonkers as I am. 

     So the next morning he texts me, wanting me to know he is looking forward to when we can meet again. Knowing my schedule is a total crap shoot, I let him know that I have to figure that out, and let him know as soon as I do when that can be. I have already worked it out in my head that if I want to have a chance here, it needs to be soon! Dean is a total catch!  So I tell him that if he wants to see me again before my kids come home, that is has to be later in the week. So we decide on dinner that coming Friday, this time I would drive to his town, which is about 45 mins from my place. It was a bit of an aggressive move on my part, but I truly felt the risk was worth it. He seemed a bit taken aback by the haste, but he rolled with it. 

     So we met for dinner at one of his favorite places. Talked for another hour or more, ate dinner and decided on heading back to his temporary home, an RV, for a night cap and a movie. As much as we had hit it off the first night, it was all over the second date. He was just as much me as I am. It's totally weird to see myself as a man, but I have to say, I'm happy with the result. We are different enough that I knew it would be interesting, but similar enough that I knew we would be on the same wavelength for many things. 

    Like I typically do, in total "me" fashion, I tried to wall myself off to him. I kept him close enough to get to know me, but kept him far enough away to keep most of my heart intact if he decided that I wasn't worth the trouble. About another week later he officially asked me to be his girlfriend, and about 2 weeks after that we both deleted our online profiles. 

     This last six months has been a roller coaster ride for me. I was at a very low, lonely spot in my life when I met him. He has been so kind and caring, helping me through my anxieties about being in a relationship. Showing me that compassion still exists in this world. Dean is calm, steady, and unwavering. All the things that I lack walking into this. He sees how broken I am, how broken I was. He has helped me pull down those walls I took so long to build. He is a man of integrity, and I for one am completely beside myself that he chose me. Most of you know what a damned mess I can be, how abrasive I can get, and just how fucking great I have gotten at pushing people away. Dean sees it too, and he calls me out on it. He doesn't let me get away with it, he has a way with communicating with me, working through it so I can get to the heart of what is really concerning me. He gives me space when I am getting annoyed, and he pours in just as much love as I do. We speak the same language when it comes to that. We finally found something in each other that we had been missing so much in our lives. 

     So this is me, shedding my single girl attitude. Embracing the new adventure I have embarked on, and wishing and hoping that the best is yet to come. 

.... Until next time my friends