Toxic Relationships and Recovery

     Hey friends! It has been WAY too long! Shit, it's been almost a year since I have graced this blog with my presence. So, what's up! Hope all of you have had a great year! I know I have! It's been a whirlwind of amazing! I am truly, madly, deeply in love! (Only my 90's friends will get that reference) So if I am so in love, why am I writing about toxic relationships? Read on guys and gals, shit is about to get real.

     Many of you know how my past relationships went, I met a man, he was sweet until he wasn't. Things always seemed fine at first, no major issues, until little red flags started popping up, and because I didn't want to believe I was getting myself into yet another shitty relationship, I ignored them or told myself that the issues weren't that bad. It was an endless cycle, bad relationship after another. Men who said they liked me, or loved me, then they cheated on me, dumped me for seemingly no reason, or my all time fave... GHOSTED the FUCK out of me. For those that don't know that dating term, it means they literally disappear. No texts, no calls, zilch! Like they vanish into thin air. The one thing that most of these men had in common was the fact that they really believe they are "Good" guys. They always had a crazy ex, they always seemed down on their luck and just looking for a decent woman in their life for once... I fell for it, over and over. Always second guessing myself, apologizing for everything, feeling like I was the one losing control when all along they were manipulating me. Gas lighting me at every emotional turn, again, if you don't know that term, look it up. Basically making me feel like I was crazy for having a perfectly normal reaction to whatever asshole thing they did, like cheating on me, or belittling me.

     So why am I revisiting all this? Well, to make you understand why I have such a hard time accepting the fact that I have someone who is really, truly decent. He respects me, he loves me, accepts me and my kids, and he cares for me. Yet with all those wonderful qualities, I had the hardest time trusting that he was sincere. You see, it was so difficult to decipher if he was real or not. He treated me like all the others at first, hooking me reeling me in... I was waiting for the nightmare to start. Waiting for him to start chatting with other women, making me believe that they were just his friends. Expecting him to start having more and more "guys night out" all the while his "guys" are not with him. Finding out from one of my girl friends that he has been secretly sending her inappropriate messages asking her out for drinks.
     I got deeper into this relationship and he wasn't doing any of this, I was shocked, I was leery, and I was really struggling to believe that this was all real. It felt too good to be true. How could a man this good, fall for me? He has treated me with such compassion, he has listened to me, and done his very best to understand why I apologize for everything. He reassures me when I start to worry about the stability of our relationship. He holds me when I can't stop crying because my anxiety is sky high over the thought of him leaving, only because I overthink every thing. I immediately think that the worst is about to happen, when in reality, nothing is happening. I am broken, flawed and sometimes just a fucking mess... and he loves me through it all.

     I think that Toxic Relationship Syndrome should be a real thing, and I am a survivor. I have learned that trusting is something so hard, only because for other men that have been with me, it has been so easy for them to break that trust. My current relationship will be my last, if I have anything to say about it. He feels the same way. He was also in a pretty toxic relationship. One that was full of one sided love, and filled with resentment and lies. For him, being with someone completely honest is refreshing, it makes him want to be completely honest, and work through our differences. When before, both of us would shy away from discussing those differences because we feared the other person in that relationship would try and force us to change to their will. Having someone that embraces you as you are is so unheard of that we begin to wonder if it's even out there. It can be terrifying to let little bits of yourself out to someone, in fear that they will reject the person that you are. Letting someone in on those little quirks you have, and seeing them not only accept them, but to laugh and applaud you for them because they too have a similar quirk. It takes something very raw, very real, and very powerful to pull you out of "Toxic Relationship Syndrome". For me, it took over a year of loving and truly being loved in return. I am still learning, still growing and slowly letting go of my fears.

     For any of my friends that have had toxic relationships, or are in one, or think they are in one and need help recognizing the signs. I am here for you. I will help you in any way I can. Even if that means giving you a place to stay for a while. Helping you with a way out, directing you to a counselor or just being a sounding board for you. I am here. I have been through it, and I will help you navigate your way out. I will help you find your feet, find your strength, and mostly just let you know that you are NOT alone. The biggest step is recognizing that the relationship is bad for you, and then accepting the help when it is offered. 

     Real love exists, it took me 5 years to wake up and find it, and I only wish I had found it many, many years ago. However, knowing what I know now... I wouldn't have my beautiful babies, and I also wouldn't have become such a strong person. One doesn't become strong until the world you know falls apart, and strength is the only thing you have left. Believe that you are worth loving, because everyone is.

Until Next Time My Friends.

The "Friend Zone"

    

     Ok, I know that very many of you have heard this term. Shit, many of you think that you have put someone in the Friend Zone, or you think that you are in it. Well I'm here to tell you.... IT'S NOT A REAL THING! Fuck, come on. All these people whining about being stuck in the Friend Zone. Boo Hoo, so-and-so put me in the Friend Zone. Bitch please, no they didn't! You put yourself there. You decided to be their friend after they rejected you. Or what really happened, is that you didn't have the balls to even tell them that you wanted to date them to begin with! So instead of growing a pair and asking them out, you cry bitch baby tears over being put in this mythical place.

     You have no reason to be crying and whining over it. How about you suck it up and go to the person that you'd like to try things with, and fucking tell them! All it takes is about 10 seconds of courage to spit out the words you want to say. The worst thing that can happen is that they will tell you they aren't interested. In the grand scheme of things is that really the most horrible thing that they can do to you? Hell No! They could be that crazy bitch that tossed your shit in the front yard and set it on fire! If you really believe that they are your friend to begin with, they wouldn't hurt you like that. A friend would feel badly if they had to let you down, so they would do it kindly. Instead, you're out there in the bar, or online, dating the craziest bitches and then calling that person who "Friend Zoned" you and bitching to them that you can't find anyone decent to date!

     I am here to tell you that it's not the worst thing in the world to put yourself out there. I have done it a few times. Is it hard? Yes, absolutely. You know what is harder though? Never knowing if they feel the same way. I have gotten the chance to go on a date with someone who was a friend. It's not that bad. You can get a feel for the romantic side of them and see if you are compatible. Worst case scenario is that the date is SO BAD, that you loose that friend forever. Best case scenario is that you end up with an amazing person to date, that already knows how fucked up you are and totally loves you for it. Take that chance. If they end up not in your life afterward, it's because they really weren't supposed to be there. True friends will stick around.

     So good luck out there! I hope you will go out on the limb, and tell a friend that you have been thinking about them in a different light for a long time, and that you would like to see if something could come of it. 

Until next time my friends!  

Sexual Misadventures and Dating Catastrophies

     Hello to my new friends! So I wanted to share some of my crazy misadventures, and some of the things that have happened to me while meeting up with dates I met online! Fuckery... purest in form. That is the only way I can describe some of these encounters. Read on, and enjoy!

     So not too long after I was separated from my husband, about 4 months or so, I decided that I needed a test if you will. A test man to see if I was still emotionally attached to my soon to be ex Husband. After a few weeks of deciding that I would bite the bullet and sign up for an online dating profile, I got a bite on Facebook of all places. An acquaintance from high school was going out to a local bar and wanted to know if anyone might want to join him. I went ahead and met him. I turned out to be the only person that responded to the request. We sat for a few hours and talked, caught up on some things, then decided to leave. No sooner had we left the bar, he turned and kissed me. It was wonderful! Soft, yearning, and a little bit forceful, I was turned on. We agreed to head to my place. We got right down to business, and that's when things got nasty... and not the good  kind of nasty. He was sweating profusely, it was so fucking disgusting, that I made every noise and muscle spasm in the book to make him finish and get off me! Mission was accomplished! However disgusting that guy was, I quickly realized that I was shut down emotionally. He never got a call back, because let's face it, ladies don't have one night stands. We hold auditions and if you aren't up to par, we just don't call you again.

     After him, I gained my courage and dated a few guys. I give them nicknames because I didn't care to recall them by name for all my stories told. Plus, there are a couple with the same name, it keeps them from getting confused. Please don't think me a slut, a whore or anything of the sort! I didn't sleep with all these guys. Many of them never made it past a first date. Here we go! I'll try to make this as painless as possible for you... Lord knows it was hell for me.

     Clingy guy, I dated him for 3 months and was suffocated! He was an idiot, I literally felt dumb just hanging around him. I had to flip the bitch switch to get him to leave me alone finally. Muscle guy, he is cute, funny and younger than me. We had fun, maybe too much fun. I'm still friends with this one, he has someone amazing in his life and I wish him well. Then there was the Lizard. His nickname was decided on because of his kissing style. Let me also mention that this guy was a self proclaimed "amazing kisser". GAG! Geeky guy, I felt bad for him because our date was interrupted by some of my insane friends at the bar. He was so scared he didn't even walk me to my car afterward.
Boring guy, took me to tea and a book store at 3 in the afternoon. It would have been a good date if he wasn't so dreadfully boring! Leave me alone guy! Oh man... this guy was a real piece of work. He was doing alright until after the second date. We were having a perfectly normal conversation the next day. Then for no reason whatsoever, he tells me to leave him alone. He later says he was having a bad day... No problem buddy! I don't have time for a ride on your Bi-polarcoaster. I'm OUT. Really Tall Guy got a knife pulled on him for being an epic fail dumbass. He "playfully" pushed me on our FIRST date... His playful push almost made me eat shit on the sidewalk. I told him not to push me and that I had a knife. The fucking moron then decided to grab my hair and pull my head back and joke that I couldn't do anything. I had that knife whipped out of my purse and snapped open so fast he didn't even know what the hell to do. He later text me and said I scared him. GOOD! Stupid mother fucker.
I can't forget the You should go home now Guy. That poor sap drug my puking drunk ass home from the bar one night. It was an epic fail night that ended with me waking up to him staring at me. I asked him how far away he lived. He replied that it was just up the road from me.... I said "you should probably walk home now. Lock the door on your way out." Thankfully I never saw that one again... Talk about a bad experience!

     I have still kept my faith that one of these times I will actually meet a decent man. I know they are out there. The odds should start swaying to my favor before too long.... right? I mean the world is full of shitty human beings, this I know. However, I know very many good ones too. One of them is bound to find me and treat me like the beautiful, crazy, half bitch I am! He will touch my butt and feed me tacos, and do the housework that I don't want to do! Ahhh, yes, I have faith...

Until next time my friends!

    

The Importance of Great Friends

   
      I don't think that I can stress it enough to everyone, how important it is to have amazing friends in your life at all stages. These people in the pictures are some of my amazing friends that I can count on to stick by me through think and thin. They make me laugh, cry, laugh until I cry, and forget all about my worries if just for a few hours. It's so incredibly important to find a few people like this to keep around. I wouldn't trade a single one of them off for anything. Each person in these photo's offers me something different, yet they all offer one very similar and very important thing.... LOVE. Don't roll your fucking eyes at me! If you don't love your friends then you're doing it wrong. Read on...

     We can act insane together and none of us judge the other. We embrace each other and all the quirks that come along with. This is how to live life. One moment at a time, one day at a time, and one crazy wild ride all the way through. Be the support and back up to your friends, and you will have some of the best relationships come out of it. I think that the relationships that my friends and I have, are stronger than any other relationship I have ever been in. We know how messed up the other one is, how dark and twisty that rabbit hole can get, yet we accept that. And we are comfortable in knowing that they are just as accepting of your own dark and twisted brain.

     Keeping people around when you are going through happy times is probably more important than just venting to them about all your troubles. We lift each other up when one is down. We can't all be the Debbie downers! We slap a smile on our face until we trick our brain! Trust me, when your friend starts laughing and smiling when they started off the night with a forced grin... there is no better therapy in the world. It feels good to help someone. Plus they start to laugh at you when you make silly faces and say "Smile Fucker!" Ok, well my friends do... we have a special kind of relationship. You might want to come up with your own ways, mine can be offensive to some. Best part about my friends is that they aren't offended easily.

     These people are my sounding board, my go to, and my courage when I need it. They will give me their opinions on men and dating, on work, on other friends and on the ex's of course. They will guide me on my journey through life.

     I know that I kept this blog post more on the serious side, and I hope that it was still a good read. These people deserve nothing but respect from me. I can joke around and be sarcastic to them, have inside jokes and poke fun at them... But no one can love them like I do.

     I hope you will all go tell your friend(s) how much they mean to you! Give them a call, text, or facebook message. Let them know what they have brought to the table. Tell them what they have done for you. I bet that some of them have no idea how much they might mean to you.

Until next time my friends!

Running into your Ex at the Bar

          Hello again! So I have been very busy this week making new connections, hanging out with friends old and new, and running into the dreaded Ex at the bar.... (enter doom music). This was not my ex Husband, it was my ex Boyfriend. You know, the loser I wasted 2 years on? Yeah... THAT guy.

         So I think that men and women can agree, that we have all had this type of person at some point or another. The type that takes full advantage of you, and offers just enough in return to make you think that deep down is a decent person. Maybe you have dated them, maybe they were a friend, or maybe they are a family member. That is the type of person my ex BF is. He had me hook, line and sinker after one date. Crazy right!? I'm such a level headed person most of the time, how in the hell did this guy blow apart the fortress around my heart so easily? How did he tame that fire breathing dragon guarding the door? HOW in the ever loving fuck did he get past all of that, and crack open the steel box welded around my heart!? This guy knew just what to say and when to say it. He knew which gestures to make and when to make them. He was playing me like a fiddle from the start, and sometimes I feel like he's still playing it.

          So upon arriving and realizing that he was there, I had that mini heart attack that we all do. "Shit! did he see me? Wait, why do I care!? I shouldn't care. Calm down, breathe, you don't care. You look good! He should see you so he can eat his heart out! Wait, does he have a heart?" My friend is a bouncer at the door, I stop and chat with him for a few minutes. Then the friends I came in with procured the table right next to the door. PERFECT! You see my Ex is a DJ, so he is stuck in the DJ booth across the bar at the dance floor.

          Thank God I have good friends, Laura and Dan kept me laughing and distracted most of the evening. I stopped caring that he was even there after about 10 minutes. We were checking out guys in the bar, flirting, giggling about facebook posts and stupid people. As the bar reached closing time I was back to hiding from him. Not because I was feeling anything, but because I did not have any desire whatsoever to communicate with this heartbreaking tool bag. We all left the bar together and had a good laugh at the fact that he was trying to wave at Laura to get her attention.

          I think that the lesson I took out of last night was this; As long as you have great friends in your life, you don't need to worry, you will be JUST fine....
Until next time my friends!