Shower Fantasies

     Hey guys, I just have one question, why in the hell do we deep think/fantasize/feel emotional in the shower? Is it because we are naked, and therefore feel more open to the part of our mind that allows those thoughts and feelings to come through? Well you all know me, I googled that shit. Turns out that is close to what happens. When we do something that is relaxing, calming, or creative, our brains release dopamine. That release allows our sub conscious mind to come into consciousness, allowing our brains to become more creative, and also allows us to problem solve. Interesting.... fuck you, I found it interesting.

     Well during my shower this evening I was playing my vocal jazz station on Pandora, and dancing in the shower, naturally.... and I just kept thinking, one day I will find a man who is going to slip in quietly, and watch me do my weird little dance in the shower, and he will smile and fall more in love with me. In that raw nature, the dance like no one is watching, sing like no one is listening, kind of uninhibited person that we all hide from the outside world, he will find beauty and grace.  OK, probably not so much grace, as I probably have the rhythm of a blind bongo player with one arm and a hook for a hand... nevertheless, he will be happy to call me his. In all my quirky glory, one day it will happen, well, at least in my shower induced, dopamine laden fantasy... it happens.

       I have also come up with possibilities for all my financial troubles... most solutions aren't exactly legal, but hey, this is my shower fantasy! If I want to open up a Rent-a-slut I can! There are no laws in my fantasies. I also have a hit-for-hire service, we primarily work with those that have been cheated on... so I'm a little jaded, show me anyone over the age of 30 who isn't and I will show you a fucking liar! That also reminds me, I once laughed at myself for a solid 5 mins after having a vision of liars pants actually catching on fire.

     So after all this thinking and fantasizing, a small part of me wonders if I have already met this man and told him to fuck off... or perhaps he was really creeping me out by staring at me from the dark corner of some smokey bar. Shit... I guess I am left with the fantasy. I'm not complaining though, because this man is tall, dark and handsome. He cooks for me, draws me a hot bath, and is amazing in bed. Until he manifests into reality, and doesn't irritate me with his grammar, I will hold onto my fantasy man.

Until next time friends!

Sad Products for Singles

     So I have noticed, as I'm sure most of you have, that there seems to be a whole host of products aimed at the singles crowd. We have all sorts of things that are totally useful, single serve coffee systems, single serve dinners have been around for a long time, and of course the ever growing list of single websites and apps so you can meet other single people! Yesterday while I was shopping at Walmart, I had to stop and do a double take at a new product I saw on the shelf. Single serve cakes, not like what you see in the bakery already made and iced, no, these are little cake mixes that come with a container of frosting and a 6 inch disposable pan to cook them in.... I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I imagine that sales meeting for Betty Crocker had to go a little something like this... "Cake mix sales are on a steady decline, what can we do to boost revenue!?" Suddenly all eyes turn to Mary, the divorcee who just adopted 3 cats this year. Then someone pipes up... "What about single serve mixes?" Everyone looks at the CEO, he smiles... "Perfect! And we will include a disposable cake pan so they can toss it in the trash when they have finished crying into it."

Yeah, yeah yeah, I have an active imagination.... get off me.

     Well after this trip down imagination lane, I decided to google other products that are geared specifically for single people. Fuck... It's depressing out there folks. Since I love you all, I have found the 4 items that I found most depressing. Here you go, enjoy my laughter and tears.

     The "Boyfriend" body pillow. I know most of you have seen this thing posted on facebook, twitter and instagram. It is a pillow that has half a man shaped torso and an arm. It's the epitome of being forever alone. Not only have you just totally given up at the point in which you purchase this item, but anyone who does come over to your place will see it and agree with you. I imagine they would show themselves out at that point. This thing is sold on Amazon and I shit you not, the description says, "replace your boyfriend's arm with a pillow in shining armor!" Fuck me... Really!? Get the fuck out right now.  OH! and for you single men reading my blog, they also have the "Girlfriend" body pillow, complete with perky little booby cushions. You're welcome...

     Next up I found a cook book! Not just any old cook book, oh no, apparently we single people must take our sad lifestyle a step further and give up using a stove all together! MICROWAVE Cooking for ONE
Fuck... fuck... FUCK NO! Shit, are you kidding me!? For fucks sake people do not ever buy this! I didn't find the link for purchase, thank the heavens, I wouldn't allow any of my friends to buy this. If you have this in your kitchen call me, seriously, call me so I can come over and beat you within an inch of your life with that useless piece of shit and I can teach you how to cook a fucking decent meal. This thing is sad in so many ways. If you know anyone that has this just do them a favor and set it on fire and roast a hot dog. I promise it will taste better than anything you have made out of that cook book.

     Now I could use this next product for when I have finished writing today's blog. A pillow that dispenses tissue. For those lonely nights when you are crying yourself to sleep! For the days when you are sick and have no one to take care of you! Hooray! I found many links to describe this product, yet I didn't actually find a link to purchase it. I suppose that if I had looked a little harder I would have found the link, but I was too depressed to want to actually find this damned pillow. I might have bought it.

     This last one I found, I may actually use it. It's a body lotion wand. This thing looks like one of those back scratchers, you know what I'm talking about. Instead of scratching, it has little bumps on it that will rub lotion into your back. So now you can get lotion on your back when no one wants to touch you! Yay! FOREVER ALONE! No need for a person to spend time with! Just buy all this shit and adopt 20 cats. You might be lucky enough to have kids like me. Single parents aren't really alone. That's what all the well meaning old ladies at work tell me! I keep the vulgar thoughts to myself and just say "yeah.... that's true...."

     So if you guys find some products for single people let me know! I want to check these things out. If I find more I may write another blog about the new wave of depressing shit made for single folks.
Until next time friends! Try not to buy any of this shit, seriously, I'll have to hunt you down and beat you to death.

Food, Laughter and Love... So much Love

    
     I have been very busy lately, to say the very least. School has started up again, that means sports, scouts and lots and lots of meetings and homework! I know my fellow parents can feel my frustration with the homework. Fuck, talk about a shit show! I know my house is a trial of tears every single night! I have been trying to multi-task and prepare dinner while helping with the homework. I have made some wonderful meals over the last few weeks and I wanted to share a few of my faves! More importantly, these are favorite meals of my spawn as well.

     Rosemary & Garlic chicken with roasted rainbow potatoes with rainbow carrots. No pic for this, but just listen... er.. read about it.  So get yourself some chicken, I don't care, what ever part you like to eat. Season it up on both sides with garlic powder, crushed rosemary, black pepper, and a dash of sea salt. Preheat your oven to about 375. Put the mother cluckers into a glass baking pan with olive oil or coconut oil. Toss those in the oven for about 30 mins and then check on them. I use the poke method to check for done-ness. My more anal retentive friends may wish to use a meat thermometer. Chicken is cooked to food safe at 165F. You can toss those potatoes and carrots in some Herbs De Province, black pepper, sea salt, garlic powder and I tossed in some onion for flavor. Toss those in the oven next to the chicken. Yep, all at the same time. Dinner orgy happening in the oven. They should all be finished close to the same time. Give the taters and carrots an extra 10 minutes if you want them softer.

     Taco Tuesday! Ground beef, turkey or pork. Brown that in the frying pan with ground cumin (a teaspoon or so), Chili powder (about the same), crushed red pepper flakes if you like HOT!, garlic powder, onion powder, black pepper, & sea salt. When its cooked, add one 8oz can of tomato sauce. Re-up on all those seasonings from before. Go by taste, and take it easy on the salt until you know... trust me on that. Not going to waste my breath on the rest of the taco fixings. You know what you like on it, buy that.

     Meh, I said a few and there are 2. I will try to get you guys something else soon. I have so many dishes that I can whip up, I will try to share more with you. I have been loving life recently, so the food I cook has become more secondary to just enjoying the people around me! I have met a few new friends recently and had the pleasure of going to the Spokane Interstate Fair with them. I have to say that I have not had that much fun at a fair since I was a kid! It's truly amazing what surrounding yourself with good people can do for the soul. I have laughed more, smiled more and been enjoying myself more. Finding people that don't think that your quirks are weird, they just get excited with you over the bizarre! Those are the kind of people you need in your life.

     My kids have been making me smile and laugh these last few weeks. They are growing into beautiful people. Each one of them has their own interesting personality. My amazing daughter is turning into the kind of person I have always known her to be. She is kind, thoughtful and so very strange! My heart fills when I see her growing into such an amazing young lady. Both my son's have been pushing my patience! As boys seem to do. They are turning into little gentlemen, however. I have gotten reports from teachers that they have been respectful and kind to the teachers and other students. Nothing makes you feel more proud than to have a stranger tell you that your child has been so highly thought of.

     As we are wrapping up another calendar year, and beginning another school year. I have been looking forward to the fun that will continue and to the new adventures that I will encounter. If you all have noticed... I have not mentioned online dating in this post! That's because I have turned off the fuckery for now. I have put a hold on the shit show. After 2 solid weeks of some seriously creepy men hitting on me, I have sworn off the dating sites for the time being. It took me about 10 showers to get the last few messages washed off me. *shudders* One or more of those dudes knows how to put a woman in the trunk of their car, I'm certain of it.

So go out! do something awesome and ABOVE ALL ELSE! Have fun!
Keep it Classy as fuck my friends!
Until next time.

The "Friend Zone"

    

     Ok, I know that very many of you have heard this term. Shit, many of you think that you have put someone in the Friend Zone, or you think that you are in it. Well I'm here to tell you.... IT'S NOT A REAL THING! Fuck, come on. All these people whining about being stuck in the Friend Zone. Boo Hoo, so-and-so put me in the Friend Zone. Bitch please, no they didn't! You put yourself there. You decided to be their friend after they rejected you. Or what really happened, is that you didn't have the balls to even tell them that you wanted to date them to begin with! So instead of growing a pair and asking them out, you cry bitch baby tears over being put in this mythical place.

     You have no reason to be crying and whining over it. How about you suck it up and go to the person that you'd like to try things with, and fucking tell them! All it takes is about 10 seconds of courage to spit out the words you want to say. The worst thing that can happen is that they will tell you they aren't interested. In the grand scheme of things is that really the most horrible thing that they can do to you? Hell No! They could be that crazy bitch that tossed your shit in the front yard and set it on fire! If you really believe that they are your friend to begin with, they wouldn't hurt you like that. A friend would feel badly if they had to let you down, so they would do it kindly. Instead, you're out there in the bar, or online, dating the craziest bitches and then calling that person who "Friend Zoned" you and bitching to them that you can't find anyone decent to date!

     I am here to tell you that it's not the worst thing in the world to put yourself out there. I have done it a few times. Is it hard? Yes, absolutely. You know what is harder though? Never knowing if they feel the same way. I have gotten the chance to go on a date with someone who was a friend. It's not that bad. You can get a feel for the romantic side of them and see if you are compatible. Worst case scenario is that the date is SO BAD, that you loose that friend forever. Best case scenario is that you end up with an amazing person to date, that already knows how fucked up you are and totally loves you for it. Take that chance. If they end up not in your life afterward, it's because they really weren't supposed to be there. True friends will stick around.

     So good luck out there! I hope you will go out on the limb, and tell a friend that you have been thinking about them in a different light for a long time, and that you would like to see if something could come of it. 

Until next time my friends!  

Sexual Misadventures and Dating Catastrophies

     Hello to my new friends! So I wanted to share some of my crazy misadventures, and some of the things that have happened to me while meeting up with dates I met online! Fuckery... purest in form. That is the only way I can describe some of these encounters. Read on, and enjoy!

     So not too long after I was separated from my husband, about 4 months or so, I decided that I needed a test if you will. A test man to see if I was still emotionally attached to my soon to be ex Husband. After a few weeks of deciding that I would bite the bullet and sign up for an online dating profile, I got a bite on Facebook of all places. An acquaintance from high school was going out to a local bar and wanted to know if anyone might want to join him. I went ahead and met him. I turned out to be the only person that responded to the request. We sat for a few hours and talked, caught up on some things, then decided to leave. No sooner had we left the bar, he turned and kissed me. It was wonderful! Soft, yearning, and a little bit forceful, I was turned on. We agreed to head to my place. We got right down to business, and that's when things got nasty... and not the good  kind of nasty. He was sweating profusely, it was so fucking disgusting, that I made every noise and muscle spasm in the book to make him finish and get off me! Mission was accomplished! However disgusting that guy was, I quickly realized that I was shut down emotionally. He never got a call back, because let's face it, ladies don't have one night stands. We hold auditions and if you aren't up to par, we just don't call you again.

     After him, I gained my courage and dated a few guys. I give them nicknames because I didn't care to recall them by name for all my stories told. Plus, there are a couple with the same name, it keeps them from getting confused. Please don't think me a slut, a whore or anything of the sort! I didn't sleep with all these guys. Many of them never made it past a first date. Here we go! I'll try to make this as painless as possible for you... Lord knows it was hell for me.

     Clingy guy, I dated him for 3 months and was suffocated! He was an idiot, I literally felt dumb just hanging around him. I had to flip the bitch switch to get him to leave me alone finally. Muscle guy, he is cute, funny and younger than me. We had fun, maybe too much fun. I'm still friends with this one, he has someone amazing in his life and I wish him well. Then there was the Lizard. His nickname was decided on because of his kissing style. Let me also mention that this guy was a self proclaimed "amazing kisser". GAG! Geeky guy, I felt bad for him because our date was interrupted by some of my insane friends at the bar. He was so scared he didn't even walk me to my car afterward.
Boring guy, took me to tea and a book store at 3 in the afternoon. It would have been a good date if he wasn't so dreadfully boring! Leave me alone guy! Oh man... this guy was a real piece of work. He was doing alright until after the second date. We were having a perfectly normal conversation the next day. Then for no reason whatsoever, he tells me to leave him alone. He later says he was having a bad day... No problem buddy! I don't have time for a ride on your Bi-polarcoaster. I'm OUT. Really Tall Guy got a knife pulled on him for being an epic fail dumbass. He "playfully" pushed me on our FIRST date... His playful push almost made me eat shit on the sidewalk. I told him not to push me and that I had a knife. The fucking moron then decided to grab my hair and pull my head back and joke that I couldn't do anything. I had that knife whipped out of my purse and snapped open so fast he didn't even know what the hell to do. He later text me and said I scared him. GOOD! Stupid mother fucker.
I can't forget the You should go home now Guy. That poor sap drug my puking drunk ass home from the bar one night. It was an epic fail night that ended with me waking up to him staring at me. I asked him how far away he lived. He replied that it was just up the road from me.... I said "you should probably walk home now. Lock the door on your way out." Thankfully I never saw that one again... Talk about a bad experience!

     I have still kept my faith that one of these times I will actually meet a decent man. I know they are out there. The odds should start swaying to my favor before too long.... right? I mean the world is full of shitty human beings, this I know. However, I know very many good ones too. One of them is bound to find me and treat me like the beautiful, crazy, half bitch I am! He will touch my butt and feed me tacos, and do the housework that I don't want to do! Ahhh, yes, I have faith...

Until next time my friends!

    

The Importance of Great Friends

   
      I don't think that I can stress it enough to everyone, how important it is to have amazing friends in your life at all stages. These people in the pictures are some of my amazing friends that I can count on to stick by me through think and thin. They make me laugh, cry, laugh until I cry, and forget all about my worries if just for a few hours. It's so incredibly important to find a few people like this to keep around. I wouldn't trade a single one of them off for anything. Each person in these photo's offers me something different, yet they all offer one very similar and very important thing.... LOVE. Don't roll your fucking eyes at me! If you don't love your friends then you're doing it wrong. Read on...

     We can act insane together and none of us judge the other. We embrace each other and all the quirks that come along with. This is how to live life. One moment at a time, one day at a time, and one crazy wild ride all the way through. Be the support and back up to your friends, and you will have some of the best relationships come out of it. I think that the relationships that my friends and I have, are stronger than any other relationship I have ever been in. We know how messed up the other one is, how dark and twisty that rabbit hole can get, yet we accept that. And we are comfortable in knowing that they are just as accepting of your own dark and twisted brain.

     Keeping people around when you are going through happy times is probably more important than just venting to them about all your troubles. We lift each other up when one is down. We can't all be the Debbie downers! We slap a smile on our face until we trick our brain! Trust me, when your friend starts laughing and smiling when they started off the night with a forced grin... there is no better therapy in the world. It feels good to help someone. Plus they start to laugh at you when you make silly faces and say "Smile Fucker!" Ok, well my friends do... we have a special kind of relationship. You might want to come up with your own ways, mine can be offensive to some. Best part about my friends is that they aren't offended easily.

     These people are my sounding board, my go to, and my courage when I need it. They will give me their opinions on men and dating, on work, on other friends and on the ex's of course. They will guide me on my journey through life.

     I know that I kept this blog post more on the serious side, and I hope that it was still a good read. These people deserve nothing but respect from me. I can joke around and be sarcastic to them, have inside jokes and poke fun at them... But no one can love them like I do.

     I hope you will all go tell your friend(s) how much they mean to you! Give them a call, text, or facebook message. Let them know what they have brought to the table. Tell them what they have done for you. I bet that some of them have no idea how much they might mean to you.

Until next time my friends!

Adventures of a Single Mom Trying to Date!

   

     Ok, so as I covered earlier in my blog, I'm a mother of 3 wonderful kids. They are my world, I would do anything for them and love them each for the people they are. That being said, I'm done having kids. No more! 3 is plenty, thank you. Not to mention that they are all potty trained and can generally feed and care for themselves. Now I'm going to segway this into a dating rant here, so stick with me.

     So in the dating world there seem to be 3 types of man... The first type: Those that have no kids and don't ever care if they do, or flat out want none. This type of man I am cautious to date, mainly because they don't have a clue what goes into raising a child, therefore have no idea why I can't drop everything and run off anytime I like. 

The second type: Those who have their own kids and are ok with you having kids as well. These guys understand the throws of parenting somewhat. However, there can be serious issue if they don't see eye to eye with you on parenting techniques. I'm more inclined to date this type VS the others just because of the single parenthood common ground. 

The third type: The guys who have a biological clock that won't quit! This guy is hard to notice right off the bat. This guy is sneaky, he can blend into either of the other 2 categories fairly seamlessly. This guy scares the shit out of me! This is the type that will wait until your emotions are clouding your judgement. Or he will just catch you off guard at any given moment. You could know him for months, or just a few days or weeks before he drops the "I want a baby" bomb on you! This guy gets kicked to the curb with me. PEACE OUT! Not only no, but HELL NO! Shit, even my 12 year old daughter knows that this type of guy is out of his mind if he thinks a woman with 3 kids, (who has told him she's done with babies, mind you) is gonna have more for him. 

     Ok, phew! Sorry for the detour. It just seems that the more I dive into the rabbit hole of single life, the more motherhood and dating start to bleed across. My children know I date, however, I keep them from the painful reality of having men pop in and out of their lives. My kids have met exactly 2 boyfriends since my ex husband left. That's it. I do not parade men through my house, I do not schedule dates when I have them if I can help it, and above all, I DO NOT have them meet a man unless I am 100% comfortable with him myself. I know there are judgemental people out there who think I shouldn't even date until they are grown... To you I say, FUCK OFF! It's not your life, it's mine. My kids are protected and anyone who wishes to challenge that can say it to my face. I'll go ALL momma bear on you. 

So, I will have many more opportunities to share crazy stories with you. Family stories, dating stories and cooking stories. If there is anything y'all would like to have me share my opinion on, please leave me a comment.

Until next time! 

Running into your Ex at the Bar

          Hello again! So I have been very busy this week making new connections, hanging out with friends old and new, and running into the dreaded Ex at the bar.... (enter doom music). This was not my ex Husband, it was my ex Boyfriend. You know, the loser I wasted 2 years on? Yeah... THAT guy.

         So I think that men and women can agree, that we have all had this type of person at some point or another. The type that takes full advantage of you, and offers just enough in return to make you think that deep down is a decent person. Maybe you have dated them, maybe they were a friend, or maybe they are a family member. That is the type of person my ex BF is. He had me hook, line and sinker after one date. Crazy right!? I'm such a level headed person most of the time, how in the hell did this guy blow apart the fortress around my heart so easily? How did he tame that fire breathing dragon guarding the door? HOW in the ever loving fuck did he get past all of that, and crack open the steel box welded around my heart!? This guy knew just what to say and when to say it. He knew which gestures to make and when to make them. He was playing me like a fiddle from the start, and sometimes I feel like he's still playing it.

          So upon arriving and realizing that he was there, I had that mini heart attack that we all do. "Shit! did he see me? Wait, why do I care!? I shouldn't care. Calm down, breathe, you don't care. You look good! He should see you so he can eat his heart out! Wait, does he have a heart?" My friend is a bouncer at the door, I stop and chat with him for a few minutes. Then the friends I came in with procured the table right next to the door. PERFECT! You see my Ex is a DJ, so he is stuck in the DJ booth across the bar at the dance floor.

          Thank God I have good friends, Laura and Dan kept me laughing and distracted most of the evening. I stopped caring that he was even there after about 10 minutes. We were checking out guys in the bar, flirting, giggling about facebook posts and stupid people. As the bar reached closing time I was back to hiding from him. Not because I was feeling anything, but because I did not have any desire whatsoever to communicate with this heartbreaking tool bag. We all left the bar together and had a good laugh at the fact that he was trying to wave at Laura to get her attention.

          I think that the lesson I took out of last night was this; As long as you have great friends in your life, you don't need to worry, you will be JUST fine....
Until next time my friends!