Sunday, August 23, 2015

Sexual Misadventures and Dating Catastrophies

     Hello to my new friends! So I wanted to share some of my crazy misadventures, and some of the things that have happened to me while meeting up with dates I met online! Fuckery... purest in form. That is the only way I can describe some of these encounters. Read on, and enjoy!

     So not too long after I was separated from my husband, about 4 months or so, I decided that I needed a test if you will. A test man to see if I was still emotionally attached to my soon to be ex Husband. After a few weeks of deciding that I would bite the bullet and sign up for an online dating profile, I got a bite on Facebook of all places. An acquaintance from high school was going out to a local bar and wanted to know if anyone might want to join him. I went ahead and met him. I turned out to be the only person that responded to the request. We sat for a few hours and talked, caught up on some things, then decided to leave. No sooner had we left the bar, he turned and kissed me. It was wonderful! Soft, yearning, and a little bit forceful, I was turned on. We agreed to head to my place. We got right down to business, and that's when things got nasty... and not the good  kind of nasty. He was sweating profusely, it was so fucking disgusting, that I made every noise and muscle spasm in the book to make him finish and get off me! Mission was accomplished! However disgusting that guy was, I quickly realized that I was shut down emotionally. He never got a call back, because let's face it, ladies don't have one night stands. We hold auditions and if you aren't up to par, we just don't call you again.

     After him, I gained my courage and dated a few guys. I give them nicknames because I didn't care to recall them by name for all my stories told. Plus, there are a couple with the same name, it keeps them from getting confused. Please don't think me a slut, a whore or anything of the sort! I didn't sleep with all these guys. Many of them never made it past a first date. Here we go! I'll try to make this as painless as possible for you... Lord knows it was hell for me.

     Clingy guy, I dated him for 3 months and was suffocated! He was an idiot, I literally felt dumb just hanging around him. I had to flip the bitch switch to get him to leave me alone finally. Muscle guy, he is cute, funny and younger than me. We had fun, maybe too much fun. I'm still friends with this one, he has someone amazing in his life and I wish him well. Then there was the Lizard. His nickname was decided on because of his kissing style. Let me also mention that this guy was a self proclaimed "amazing kisser". GAG! Geeky guy, I felt bad for him because our date was interrupted by some of my insane friends at the bar. He was so scared he didn't even walk me to my car afterward.
Boring guy, took me to tea and a book store at 3 in the afternoon. It would have been a good date if he wasn't so dreadfully boring! Leave me alone guy! Oh man... this guy was a real piece of work. He was doing alright until after the second date. We were having a perfectly normal conversation the next day. Then for no reason whatsoever, he tells me to leave him alone. He later says he was having a bad day... No problem buddy! I don't have time for a ride on your Bi-polarcoaster. I'm OUT. Really Tall Guy got a knife pulled on him for being an epic fail dumbass. He "playfully" pushed me on our FIRST date... His playful push almost made me eat shit on the sidewalk. I told him not to push me and that I had a knife. The fucking moron then decided to grab my hair and pull my head back and joke that I couldn't do anything. I had that knife whipped out of my purse and snapped open so fast he didn't even know what the hell to do. He later text me and said I scared him. GOOD! Stupid mother fucker.
I can't forget the You should go home now Guy. That poor sap drug my puking drunk ass home from the bar one night. It was an epic fail night that ended with me waking up to him staring at me. I asked him how far away he lived. He replied that it was just up the road from me.... I said "you should probably walk home now. Lock the door on your way out." Thankfully I never saw that one again... Talk about a bad experience!

     I have still kept my faith that one of these times I will actually meet a decent man. I know they are out there. The odds should start swaying to my favor before too long.... right? I mean the world is full of shitty human beings, this I know. However, I know very many good ones too. One of them is bound to find me and treat me like the beautiful, crazy, half bitch I am! He will touch my butt and feed me tacos, and do the housework that I don't want to do! Ahhh, yes, I have faith...

Until next time my friends!